| 5 Jun 03 I didn�t note this down before but it was just something I remembered from one of my cousin�s birthday party. You know how those sliding doors that separate the kitchen/dining room from the backyard are well� clear glass? Usually it�d be a good idea to get some sort of patterned frost stuck across the door so that people could distinguish between a door that�s closed and a door that�s open. But, at my uncle�s place, he didn�t have this. It was cold outside so I decided to sit inside and catch up with my cousin [among other conversationalists]. I was facing the door and he was opposite of me. We were talking and blah blah blah when *ka-thump!* some kid rebounded from the clear-glassed door and landed on his back! I could have sworn he was running towards the door but my mum said he walking and was about to tell me to open the door for the guy. The poor kid. I�ve never seen anything like it! It was like a glimpse of him hitting the door but gees� ou-ch! Some of my cousins (like the immature youngsters are) kept bugging the guy about it �hey, are you the kid that walked into the door?�. I�d imagine he was fairly shocked for a while at how such a seemingly clear doorway could be so hurtful! Talking about immature youngsters, we, at 16 and 17 have a different type encounter with childish natures. At lunch, the wind was fierce and only the food we were eating kept us out from the Library (to which is sort of our hangout these days�for comfort, shelter and boredomless activities. lol). We hung out with other friends and talked for a while until Kay betted that Emilia couldn�t catch a wind blown leaf before it touched the ground. So how does she respond to this? They both run around on a nearby grassy area and well� try to catch a falling leaf. lol. It was the great entertainment for that lunch break. The remainder (three) of us watched happily as our two friends fought it out. It was very amusing and seemed so fun. I might have joined in if it wasn�t so freezing� I don�t get warm very easily. It takes at least the whole day to get warm or until I have a shower or contain myself in a heated room for like, oh� a period (40 minutes)? It causes problems for me� :-/ 9 Jun 03 My birthday today. =D It feels nice. Although it�d be much nicer if I was 18 this year and not the next! I�m feeling better though� sort of. A lot of people are relying on me to do well for school� or knowingly know that I�ll do well. Obviously they have no idea as to what could have been if it was a year ago and I continued to do well. Two months or so of not being able to concentrate or focus or even want to leave High School�that�s what I�m feeling �better� after now. That loss, might be a gain if I can manage to finish my MDP�s in two months time. Doesn�t seem very likely but hey� I know that if I could repeat the year again next year, I could definitely do things better. Just not sure if I wanna do that yet. Hmm� The long weekend went by so bloody fast! It�s the Queen�s Birthday in Sydney today so yeah. I think it�s the first time �Queen�s Birthday� is exactly on the day I was born, since I was born in �86. Feels kinda special. lol. Obviously not that special when I know that the Queen�s Birthday isn�t on this day in real life (because it changes every year to revolve around the second Monday of June) but hey� good enough! 12 Jun 03 Just when I think that things were getting better for me� it�s not that easy is it?! I�m friggen� annoyed and friggen� p*ssed off that time has gone right by me and I�m still living in the not-so-fast lane. What do I do� what do I do� *sigh* Should I just leave school for a while to rest and try to go knock knock, or should I hack it and end up doing an unsatisfactory job at school and the HSC? Hmm� what to do� what to do� *sweat mark* If I leave I may never get the chance to find out whether or not I�d get any better by the end of the school year, people who were depending on/expecting me to do well will be disappointed, and I�ll have to deal with the consequences of that and the fact that I never finished High School at High School. If I don�t leave, my mental condition (or even physical condition) may become worse, I can be so far behind in my school work (as I already am) that I�ll finish kinda badly anyway, and I may lose the gift I had in socialising and effective communication (notice the word �had�). I don�t know how my parents and family will react to me leaving school and the last thing I wanna do is put shame in their daughter�s existence. At my grandfather�s birthday last weekend, whichever other adult (besides my own) I stood in the presence of, had asked me about my future and what I wanted to do when I finished school. Fairly normal�true. But obviously it didn�t do a thing to help me. The thing is, I�m not motivated to be at school anymore. I see the same people, go to the same classes every week, and do the same things every week. Nothing ever happens. It�s too much of a routine for me and my mind is so ready to part with it. Which is probably why I can�t even focus on anything when I�m at school. I try as hard as I can but there really isn�t much I can do if all I think about is everything other than what I�m required to at High School. I was late for school the second time this week and today was one of the two. In the past two weeks, I�d be called to wake up at like 7am but I�d wait till at least 7:40am to wake up. It takes about two hours most nights for me to get to sleep and doing all this thinking in those two hours have increasingly made me more and more tired. I guess another contributing factor that has made me so tired is the fact that I sleep around the midnight mark everyday. I try not to, but Monday�s and Tuesday�s are no exception (BtVS and Ats), Wednesday I can go without but Enterprise is hard to not watch in that same night, Thursday�s I can sleep after 9:30 when L&O: S.V.U. finishes but something always seems to keep me up a little later. Friday�s and the weekends are a bit� Well on Sunday�s they have the best movies and they finish around the midnight mark as well, but for the other two days, something always keeps me up. I could be checking something out online, or doing something�its insignificance isn�t even registered as doing something�in my room or if, on occasion, there�s a good movie on, then that�s what I�d be doing. Other than that� it just goes by so quickly. It maddens me to think that I can barely catch up. I came into class this morning and Earthworm said that I looked as if I didn�t get enough sleep last night. Funny, because I wouldn�t have picked him out as someone who�d notice that on me (since I don�t think many people have�even my closer friends) and actually tell it the way they see it. There�s only one other person who noticed that I wasn�t very� awake (?) in classes, so it was interesting to find this out too. Because I had just about enough of school and the thick, cold foggy air outside [this morning], I simply replied to him �I didn�t� in sort of an unusual manner. I�m not really sure if anyone was able to pick the vibe off me from it but I think I spoke in a dazed, soft tone. After I got my Late Note [all the way back at the front office], and returned to class� I felt the urgency to excuse myself and walk over to the counselor�s office to calm down. I was at the brink of bursting out in tears, twice. Mid-arvo, I guess things were better. I would have gone to the counselor�s but I was able to suppress those emotions for the rest of the day. By suppressing, I meant that I looked into doing anything that was unrelated to the problems I have. Seeing my friends laughing and talking and everything� it looked great. Ever since whatever I�m going through (I don�t think it�s right to call it �depression� because I haven�t been diagnosed with it by a qualified person yet) started, I�ve been more aware of people�s feelings and what actually goes on around me. I use to be the one who was much more involved in a day�s events rather than the one who is content on observing other people, as I am now. I suppose that�s one good thing I can say to come out of this mess. 19 Jun 03 Funny [and becoming increasingly annoying] thing. Bad moodiness. Since the last entry, I�ve been stuck between feelings of� well, everything. Whether I wanted to stay in school or not, why I wake up feeling black (tehehe okay, blue) and still feel black by the end of the school day or take a massive turn to the vice-a-versa or any number of things that I friggen� have to think about. *rolls eyes* Sort of a bad use of English back there [and still continuing] but that�s the sort of thing I�d been feeling for that time. I even planned (like actually planned) to go and talk to the counselor during my free periods because my D&T teacher told me that I should let them know for record purposes, etc. So I planned this out but by the time I had a free period, I didn�t feel as bad as I felt when it was planned. Evidently, nothing further was added to my school file and the problems I had for the last two months is starting to deteriorate. I�m really trying to catch up on what I missed (or didn�t pay attention to) now and I�m hopeful. Hopeful that I�ll get through the rest of the year and end with a blast! I�m way behind on a lot of things but after attending the Stress Management seminar (by Peter Sheahan) this Monday, it doesn�t seem impossible to get through what I need to get through� I still don�t know though. Right now I feel indifferent. It�s not that I don�t care about doing my work, but I guess I�m treating as something to keep my boredom at bay. It�s whatever now. *shrug* Towards the end of the last period of English for the day, we started to get our assignment marks and obviously some people asked what others got. Kyte got hers back and was �expected� to get higher than what she ended up getting (in relation to her other assignments) and I suppose [who's name I cannot show] was trying to make her feel a little better by� well this is what happened. A few people were asking around to see what others got and Sweet (who sat in front of us) asked Kyte. [Who's name I cannot show] then starts talking to us (Kyte and me) about how she doesn�t like it when people ask what others got and stuff. Awkward situation turned better? lol. I agreed with her and since I had this same conversation with some of my other friends before, I joined into the conversation. What I didn�t understand was why people ask to know what other people�s marks were. I never asked because [in polite terms] it wasn�t going to change any opinion I had on that person, especially if they usually don�t get a bad mark but do. Like hello? What�s what suppose to do for me. *inserts sarcastic voice* OMG, they can�t hold a decent conversation anymore because they�re so dumb and couldn�t do what they were asked to do! *rolls eyes* Yaha. That�s it ain�t it. Anyway, I only found out two possible reasons behind this mind-boggling question: they do it so that they can feel better about themselves or if the timing and person�s right, they can feel bad and complain about it to each other. I still don�t understand it but I respect it because that�s how some people are. You can�t ask for anything more. So upon returning home early this arvo, I realised that the conversation we had might have been interpreted the wrong way, especially to Sweet since she sat right in front of us� I feel kind of bad now because she might have thought we were directly referring to her as an insult or something. I can imagine some gossip about me coming up� *sigh* If she becomes a little avoidish tomorrow then I guess I should talk to her if my senses pick up a bad vibe� or I can let it go like I usually do in these situations until things get to their worse (which I rarely does). About my talking about the yearbook stuff on the 23rd of May, not quite sure if anybody got this but I don�t hate any of that group I was talking about. I feel indifferent towards them. One use to be in our group and is still a good friend, some I�d talk to more than others, some I don�t. It really doesn�t matter to me anymore. At our year 10 formal, I wore this short, thin strapped, cream coloured, cream pattered/laced (around the chest area) skirt and supposedly they were saying little things about me like how short my skirt was, etc. Even some other guys were saying things. It was pretty short but I think that�s how it was supposed to be worn. Anyway, I didn�t care much because there always will be talk and gossip, and I don�t blame them for saying things because some were true. Plus I�d be a hypocrite to not like them for talking behind my back because I do some major gossiping myself! It doesn�t seem as important in High School to be considered as� or known as� or seen as� whatever anymore. In my mind I�m beyond High School already. *chuckle* 21 Jun 03 My god, my butt hurts! I have to be like real careful about where, what and when I decide to sit down because god damnit, my butt hurts! You might be thinking that I got some sort of injection� or was pinched too many times for my �nice, firm butt� as some of my older chick cousins have said� or maybe a bicycle ran into the bicycle I was riding and pushed me back on my rear (with a cell and my wallet in the back pocket) and my hands! I attended a friend�s birthday party today and as predictable as I thought the party would turn out like, it turned out to be half the opposite. See, these party�s activities and events can be predicted rather easily (eat, sit, bumm around, go home). After all, we�ve been going to these for years already. The things that can�t be predicted are the accidents and surprises and you wonder why (duh)! lol. Some guys rode their bikes to the party so Cheeky, Jaq, Kay and I borrowed four of their bikes to kill some time. Plus, Kay didn�t know how to ride a bike so it wasn�t such a bad idea when we decided to teach her. This was around 4pm (about 2 hours since we got to the party) so the sun was starting to set, we just ate, and I think we all felt like a bit of exercise. Some of the guys played footy at the local park while four of us rode around with the bikes and tried to teach Kay the basics. It took a while but probably way faster than if she were a child trying to learn. She got the hold of it after �riding crooked� for a while as Cheeky called it, and I guess it beats bumming around at the house barely doing anything. Jaq had to leave around 5:15pm or something but said she�d be back around eightish after her tutoring finished. It got dark so quickly and Kay�s ever-growing excitement about being able to ride a bicycle led us to ride out into the night a few more times after that. You might have forgotten about my butt-ache by now but I�m just getting to what happened so keep reading. lol. :-� For one of the riding sessions we went on, we returned to the [fully concreted, unlit] netball courts. We were riding, talking, riding, talking, blah blah blah then we were both shouting, I put on the breaks, Kay�s still heading towards me less than a metre away and hits into me! I was on my rear and my palms slammed onto the cold, hard concrete. My a** just friggen� aches right now and there�s still a few red spots on my palms (no blood or scratches luckily). That situation we were faced with was so stupid when I think about it. I mean, what�s with the riding towards each other thing?! Like I should have turned but I stopped instead. When I stopped, she was still heading towards me so as I was about to push off to get out of her way, she tried the brakes but failed. We were both going fairly slow too so like how dumb is that! Man, that sucked. lol. For the record, we did check on the bikes for damage afterwards, so it wasn�t all about us. :-� There was a minor fault on the bike Kay was riding. The front wheel kinda bent to one side [and not the middle]. Luckily that happened a few times to my cousin�s bike so I was able to straighten it up before we returned the bikes to their owners. :-\ Tehehe� one funny thing I remember from the party though [before I finish up here], some of the guys lobbied for a speech from the birthday boy so Frosty�s (the B�day boy) like, �I love myself!�. Tehehe� as Jaq said, �that�s not a speech, that�s more like a declaration!�. ;-) 22 Jun 03 What the f*** is up with parents acting so f***ed up all the time. More specifically, my parents. It�ll be a hell of a lot easier if they were able to speak and understand English so that what I understand as saying �why are you asking me so angrily?� [in Chinese] is actually what they consider as �why are you asking me so angrily?� and vice-versa. Bloody hell. I feel as though I�m being attacked all the time. Even when they tell me not to cry, it feels like a personal attack. That�s how they friggen� voice it and it annoys me so. They grunt or something just before they tell me not to cry. Like as if I�m 17 and can�t cry. Why should age matter? It shouldn�t and it doesn�t. They�re just so friggen� behind in today�s changing world that they can�t see things the way they should be seen. I respect all those traditional views on life and everything but like hell, welcome to this Generation dudes and bloody adapt to more modernised lifestyles and views on life. After all, they DID bring us here [from a third world country] for some good reason, I�m sure! She-eesh! Yeah, the anger died down� Although music from The Matrix: Reloaded soundtrack isn�t exactly the not-so-moody type of music to listen to when I�m in such passionate anger over my parents. My bloodshot eyes are requesting a moment of �rolling� right about now. Don�t forget the usual grunt afterwards though. >:-( 23 Jun 03 There are so many commercials on tele these days that crack me up. My fellow Australians would know what I�m talking about! Take for instance the Hahn [Premium Lite (SP?)] commercials. That first one that came out wasn�t all that. Ski yogurt commercials � �Never trust Larry� Telstra � Long Distance calls to NZ, USA and China. 30 Jun 03 Sometimes I wish that something bad would happen to me, something specific though, just so I can rest. Whether I�d be six feet under, scattered across the ocean, or lying in a hospital bed. Seems like that�s the only way to take a free-spirited, non-stressful, blissful, Blissful rest. Now let�s see, am I getting back into this mood because I have an assignment due this week (so close to the holidays damnit!), an assignment due first week back from the holidays and a tonne of work to catch up on with my year-in-the-making MDP between now and August because I didn�t do any in the past two months? Hell. Yes. Do I want people knowing about this? Hell. No. Why? Easy! I figured this out a few�. I�m a stubborn b*tch who doesn�t like to ask for help in emotional matters because I still have hope. Hope that I�ll feel better soon, so that any unnecessary �telling� won�t need to be done. I feel ashamed at how far I�ve come and how I�ve dealt with major problems in the past�*insert sarcastic tone* oh hold on, I decided not to deal with those problems, how could I forget?! So have I actually learnt anything then? I can certainly do things better or at least different the second time round if I ever got the chance� Ahh, here comes the tragedy of getting a second chance: Will Fate prevail? I�d be like �Duh! Haven�t you seen The Time Machine, Serendipity and all those other Fate-WILL-prevail movies?� but of course that�d be un-researched, un-convincing, and�of my knowledge�un-known. I�m starting to have trouble sleeping again. I mean I�ve pretty much always had trouble sleeping but in the past week or two, in one of its rarest moments, I was able to sleep a little more soundly than I had been for months� maybe even years� *thinks for a while* My head�s really just f***ed. What, I can�t decide whether I feel like crap or not? What the hell?! I�m so confused now! Wahhh�! God damnit! *buries her head* *sigh* I�m so tired. |
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