| 11 Apr 03 I barely have the will to do anything anymore. Why do things fall apart like they�ve been purposely smashed to bits so that I can have my �fair� share of the bad since I�ve practically always got the good side of things. I don�t like the Order, or are they called �The Powers That Be� like how it�s been mentioned on BtVS and Ats. There�s seriously got to be something wrong with me or my �ways� because for the first time� I don�t feel like I�m obligated to live. I won�t take my own life, no, never. That�s something that�ll never happen. There�s too much pain involved with that and probably way more than anyone could imagine. Let�s just say that when I�m more of the dead rather than the undead, I�d rather not know that it�s happening. What is wrong with me?! What is this� thing I feel?! I�m just damn annoyed because it�s stopping me from being happy again, that perky chica I remember myself as, that cute one. People use to tell me all the time until my mood took me along on an unwanted brooding ride. I don�t understand why the proverbial scales of life have to balance. I�ve got a splitting headache right about now. I feel bloated and a tad ill�you can bet that my monthly friend has something to do with that. Can�t believe my quote for the yearbook and my final words are contradicting what I�m going through right now. There I was, saying how �things happen your life that you can�t stop, but that ain�t a reason to shut out the world� and that my fellow classmates should try to understand my quote, when I really don�t know if I understand it myself. They seem so easy to understand but have you�. Seen the disappointment in my mother�s eyes? When I told her that I stuffed up a good chance for me to get into a good Uni or College because of that whole UAI stuff, I seriously would have cried if I hadn�t looked away from her face. For one, it always gets me in a crying mood whenever I see her face like that and when something that was near fatal happened to me, it was when we�ve drawn so far apart that I don�t receive much affection from her anymore. As Gwen on Ats said in the previous episode, �� I�ve forgotten what point I was trying to make or what that quote was� OMG� I�m definitely going down� I have to move on. I have to face the humiliation of not being who I was�the motivated and good grades girl�tomorrow. So much is happening tomorrow and I�ll lose for what I should be doing now but aren�t and I�m just typing here away. My friends, my teachers and eventually my family after I get some sort of letter send home or a bad report mark. I�m second now. I don�t know if that�s supposed to be good or not but I�m coming second instead of first or equal first, I�m coming second. I�m tired, annoyed, confused and most of all, angry. It�s been an hour of typing here now. It�s a little past 1am and I still can�t concentrate�just pondering and typing and seeing and hearing and feeling and living. It really does feel like crap. Actually, second would more likely be an overstatement. I�d be down by at least 5, I can see. It is done. 15 Apr 03 I�ve been doing Work Placement recently and I was suppose to have completed it last week but had to take two days off to do a Math test. It was originally suppose to be one day off but when I went for it last Wednesday, our teacher was absent, so then I went on the Friday (two days later) instead�which was my previous entry� Anyway, I had to make up the days I took off this week, Monday and Tuesday. I just finished yesterday so thank god! My feet were so killing me� I worked at Big W Stockland Mall, Wetherill Park. You know, I don�t wanna brag too much about what it was like working there, but I tell ya, I just wished that the staff there were more friendly, less gossipy and had made us feel more welcome there. I mean we�re not supposed to be their slaves for the week. If anything, they should be the one�s that are grateful to have us there to help out and not even have to pay us a cent, not the other way around! I would have liked the employees there to have been more interested in us as a person rather than �extras�. That�s how it felt working there� it felt as if we were extras� unimportant extras. Some of the employees there were pretty nice though so I suppose that was good enough. Those were the people I shook the hands of when I left yesterday�the people I thought deserved it. Although there might have been one person which I wouldn�t have shook the hands of if she wasn�t our supposed Work Experience/Placement supervisor. She assumed things she didn�t even know about us and that was hurtful�but I smiled and waved her goodbye anyway. I�m a classic; I like a good ending! Oh yeah so anyway, today while I was packing some chocolate onto the shelves of the Easter section of the store, I saw these three siblings (or at least that�s what I thought) in one of the aisles: two brothers and one younger sister. Their mother was busy checking out the Easter eggs in the other direction. The brothers looked as if they were maybe in kindergarten or year 1 and their sister looked like she wasn�t even in school yet, a toddler in a pram. So anyway, I saw something rather disturbing and just not right� I mean seriously� I saw one of the brothers try to force their sister to kick him in the nuts! From where I was standing, he must have tried maybe three times or so till she finally kicked him and their mum turned around and managed to stop it. It was horrible to see such a thing� and at such a young age too� it was just not right. If the little girl was old enough to have known what was happening to her, she�d be calling that act sexual assault. This morning, on 7 Sunrise (channel 7 news in the morning), there was a question they had up yesterday about sex education. I don�t remember what the question was but it was something to do with teaching school students about sex and whether or not that should happen (I think). After seeing what I saw today while working, it got me thinking about how much smarter and more aware of issues like this, children are these days. There�s been a rather fascinating heighten of intelligence in the children who have been born of the Y Generation and I suspect that it won�t be slowing down anytime soon� I�m intrigued at this. I mean I�m not saying that people who were born in the X Generation were incredibly dumb as small children, but really, is it because of the rapid change of lifestyle that has influenced or triggered such an effect on these children? I�ve convinced myself that children wouldn�t be stupid enough to do crazy things that are considered �bad� to do, until maybe now� Sexual assault isn�t like being mean or feeling punchy, as a lot of kids are, I didn�t even think that would exist in them for at least another two to four or so years. I�m just dumbfounded� *appears a bit distressed* 21 Apr 03 This is an email I sent to a friend today� I thought I�d share it because this is what he said of it: �But the way you describe that is amazing... You should write a story or something... I've heard that helps... And you'd also give other people a great thing to read...� I wouldn�t say that it�s �amazing� though� it was only a sniplet of what I�ve said and wrote to others� well, to one other anyway� ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > I'm not the same type of person I was a year and a half ago but I wish I was. The > perky, sociable, cute chica that knew what she wanted and had the motivation and > energy to follow through with it. I don't know what I am anymore, but I know that > I'm less perky, less sociable, less cute, and I don't have the willpower to go > through every day without feeling like I'm drifting through life rather than living life. > The past year hasn't helped me at all, it's made everything I had going for me > worse. I feel like a snowball rolling down a hill, and through every turn, my > problems just keep on piling up, making the snowball significantly larger than I'd > like it to be. When it stops, I'm left with it to shovel through and sort out the > mess... either that, or I'd just leave it there and do nothing of it. > > *sighs* I think I'm going through minor depression. It's funny, 'cause I never > thought I'd go through it, I thought I might have been immuned from any typical > teenage angst like suicide and depression. But I'm not suicidal in any way, just to > point that out. I mean I have my moments and I'm not completely detached from > the world--with thanks to the fact that I still live with family. I still laugh, smile and > do all that when the time calls for it... I haven't been honest with my friends, even > my closest friends. I've been making it out that I've been great, perfect even, I've > went to school and put on my happy face for so long I don't know how the hell I did > it! And for more than a damn year... I always thought that depression was about > brooding all the time... I mean I have my moments when I do just sit there and be > like that, just as I do when I'm having a conversation with someone. You know I > think that's what it is, I need to communicate. I haven't been doing that as much > as I used to. I don't even know why... This is completely f***ed, I just wanna know > what's wrong with me. God... and what a time to go through a breakdown! I swear, > I can barely concentrate on my school work anymore... it's so bad. Far out... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 24 Apr 03 I have a fake dog tag. You know, like the one�s they have in the army. War fascinates me. One moment you can be dodging bullets and running in every god damn direction trying to find some fox hole you can sit your ass in for a second and in another, you could be completely obliterated or have some random bullet or mine hit you through the front, back, side, top, bottom, and in any other angle on your body. That is what fascinates me. There is no �win� situation in a war; there isn�t even much of a �win� situation if you end up living through a war. You carry scars of physical length, emotional and mental. It�s forever, these things. Once you experience something, once you see something, there�s no going back, you can�t undo or un-see what you�ve seen and done. And I highly doubt that any brainwashing techniques will rid of these things permanently, it just doesn�t happen. But� I suppose it greatly depends upon the perception of an individual that will determine, to them, whether or not there is a �win� situation that results from a war. That just completely screws things up even more because some people don�t have the will� no, that�s not the word� they don�t have enough of that specific connection to themselves to make such an opinion. You know how hard it is to wake up in the morning and just not want to wake up? Would you forgive yourself if that actually happened and you didn�t wake up� ever�? I don�t believe greatly in life after death but it�s comforting to know that you�ll never experience just nothingness when you�re dead, so I believe it. The only thing that pisses me off ATM is that in the Buffyverse, when things go wrong everyday and they step out in the face of fear everyday, they live their lives as real as we live ours. So why is it that I feel like I�d rather be in that world which has demons and whatnot, than this world which seems less fatal�I�m not saying that we can�t get killed here too but I�m saying that there�s a bit more that can kill you in the Buffyverse than in our world, or even more�than the Buffyverse? I feel so connected to the show and all the events they go through, it�s a freakishly accurate depiction of what I go through and I�m not kidding here about this. What Buffy had gone through, I�ve only realised that it�s pretty damn close to what I�m going through right now. The only thing that�s different is that she was able to come right out and tell her friends; her family, that she�s having these problems. All of which are close to the timeframe in which I�m going through all of� whatever this is. And believe me, I�m not playing the field. I�m not trying to play the role of Buffy and how she�s been in the past year. This is real and I don�t know what to do. How do I tell my parents what I�m going through and how I feel, when I can barely speak the same language. I think that�s what�s pushing us apart. I can�t speak English because they won�t understand as well and they probably won�t even listen unless I start crying or something�which, BTW, I don�t exactly want to do when I haven�t even begun to say anything to them. Our family� we�re not close. It�s no hugs, no kisses, barely any words of comfort. I don�t even remember the last time I got a hug from my parents. It was probably back in the Primary years where I�d fall, get some cuts and bruises, you know, the usual� with the close friends I hang around with, we�re not close in that way either� I don�t think we�ve ever hugged or kissed each other�I�m not talking about kissing in a sexual way, but like as good friends and such�since the first time we started to hang around each other back in Primary School. Ironically, I get hugs and/or kisses from everyone else who I�ve not mentioned as primarily the people I see the most. Isn�t that strange? I don�t get it. I might be out shopping or something and might run into some other friends from school. Some of them do the kiss and/or hug greet thing to almost all of their friends anyway so that�s why I do the same in return in politeness. Others greet by just a big hug, but not necessarily to everybody but to selected ones, and I�d do the same in return. It was kinda daunting the first time I did this �cause I wasn�t sure what sort of greeting they�d do and I didn�t wanna look like a complete idiot so I suppose I just went with the flow. It�s a comfort to have that sort of thing. 30 Apr 03 Alucard called me to ask about our math Half Yearly exam tomorrow and what we had to study and stuff but I was in the shower, so I said I�d call her back instead. While I was in the shower though, I was crying, crying because of something my sister said to me minutes before. She hadn�t talked to me for like weeks (I know for a fact she hadn�t talked to me for a week already) and the first thing she says to me after so many weeks of not talking to me, was �Why don�t you help out? You�re so lazy. Aren�t you in year 12 now?� and that was just downright hurtful. She gave me a dirty look while saying that and I just couldn�t believe she said that to me. She doesn�t know what I�m going through, what I�ve been through, yet she assumes that I�m lazy. Well I�m sorry that I had to make with the depression, loneliness and as you so adequately put it, laziness! It�s not my fault that the one thing I don�t want in life just happens to affect me for a year now! It�s not my doing that I have this attitude and pain and you don�t even wanna know about it! Blame The Powers That Be that things came tumbling down on me since late 2001! It�s not my fault that I don�t get along with your husband! How about you ask me how I am, what I�ve been doing and actually have the �want� to listen to me and know me before you start assuming things? Mind you, I don�t consider myself as �lazy�. I may get lazy at times, but that�s how it works, that�s part of being Human. However I was much more active in the �helping out� department when I didn�t go through what I�m going through now and in the past year, than fold to the likes of being lazy so I�ve taken it rather offensively. Probably more so than if I were in a better state of mind, [body and soul]. But when she does this and then talks right behind my back to mum about other things she�s not �happy� about (regarding me), where I�m just in the next free-of-doors room, that�s just� it hurt. That was why I was crying. When I got out of the shower, I called Alucard back. At this time, I also realised that I was getting the Cold so that added to the crying I previously did and you could tell in my voice. So I called her up and we chatted for a few about what was in the math exam. She was stressing out about what we had to study and then we started talking about life and how it sucks and such. I hadn�t told many people about my problems as of late but on the topic of the suckiness of life, I ended up spilling. She took it better than I expected�understanding and comforting (for the meantime anyway�). It was nice to talk to someone I knew for a change. I found out something about her that I think she said she never told anyone before, so that was good I suppose. |
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