Ahhh, Thanksgiving, home to my favorite meal of the year. And those that know me know that eating is one of my top ten favorite things. (amongst titties and beer) (well, more titties than beer) One time in Chicago, I went to this titty bar that had (no shit) an all-you-could-eat buffet! One of my Thanksgiving traditions is to watch "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" staring Steve Martin and John Candy. Another one was to try to slip cigarette loads into unsuspecting smoker's cigarettes.
One time we were out visiting my cousins (the Colemans), and we were having a BBQ. (I guess it wasn't Thanksgiving, but it was a helluva funny day) I brought along some cigarette loads and us kids decided to spark up the BBQ with them. If I remember right, John was the only one with sense and wanted no part of it, but me and Mary were adventurous, if not stupid. We got hold of my mom's cigarettes and loaded her up good. Then, Mary put some in her dad's cigarettes. Now, Uncle Ed scared the bejesus out of me when he was mad. I guess because he could be loud and I had seen him whip Jimmy and John's asses - even mine one time (good Lord did that hurt!). Well soon, my mom lit one up. Me and Mary were hiding behind a truck peeking around the tire when she took a big drag in the middle of a story. BOOM! The end of the cigarette exploded out just like the old cartoons! The look on Mom's face was like "WTF!!!" We MIGHT have gotten away with it if we weren't rolling on the ground hysterical with laughter. Up to that point, it was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life. Remember kids, the whipping is WELL worth it if you can secure some loads. About that time we heard a bang from inside the house. My eyebrows shot up as soon as I heard the bellows of a bear, "GOD D*** KIDS!!". It was Uncle Ed. I had no intention what-so-ever of taking the blame for that one as I had told Mary it wasn't a good idea to hit his cigarettes. I remember i didn't get a whipping for Uncle Ed's, but Mary might have as I turned on her like a pancake and pointed fingers like a big dog out of fear. Me and John even put one in Grampa Dave's cigar one day. We sat and watched in fascination as he puffed and puffed. We were about to consider it a dud when, BOOM! Grampa Dave didn't even move. I wasn't sure he even noticed it until he gave us a look like "You little bastards think you can fool an old man like me?" And he kept on smoking it as if nothing happened.
Now, if you ask my mom about what happened that day, she will go off on some tangent about how tobacco exploded into her eye and that the cherry from the cigarette fell off and burned her shirt, but I am sure that is all hogwash. And even if it isn't, they DO put labels on the package about cigarettes being bad for you....
And here's a thought - Those of you that decide to mess around with married women, I strongly think that you shouldn't. (Unless you are married to them, then go for it!) But, here is a little tail of three fellows that didn't follow my advice:
There was a long line of people waiting at the gate to get into Heaven. There wasn't enough room in Heaven for everyone, so only those that died the worst deaths would be allowed in. The first guy stood up and said, "Saint Peter, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, St. Peter, just picture this. Here I am hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator....."
Until next time!
--Bobbert
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