String Jokes

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate.

Q: Why are violins smaller than violas?
A: They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.

Q: What do you do if you're short a violinist?
A: Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.

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Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.

Q: What do violists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A: No one knows when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: How do you get a violist to play a down-bow staccato?
A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.

Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common?
A: Both screw up Boeings.

Q: How many violists does it take to tile a kitchen?
A: Just one, but you must slice him very thin.

A violinist and violist fall off a tall building. Who hits the ground first?
The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.

Requirements for the 2nd round of the Int'l Viola Competition: Holding the viola by memory.

"The violist is the hermaphrodite of the orchestra." -- Thomas Beecham.

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Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
A: The cello burns longer.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse inside.

Q: Why are orchestral intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.

A female cellist stayed first chair because she kept her scherzo short.

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Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q: How can you tell when a bass player is knocking at your door?
A: It gets slower.

Q: How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, we're just too cool for that kind of shit.

A bass player we know was so bad that even the section noticed.

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