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Conductors
Q: If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?
A: More quicksand.
Q: What does a good conductor weigh?
A: 28 oz. (not including the urn.)
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and a conductor and had a gun with only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to conductor -- is told he is dead -- calls back 25 times -- same message from receptionist -- receptionist asks why he keeps calling -- "I just like to hear you say it."
We know a guy who was so dumb his music teacher gave him two sticks and made him a drummer, but he lost one and became a conductor.
A band director avoided being struck by lightning even though he stayed on his aluminum ladder in a thunderstorm. (Seems he wasn't a good conductor.)
We took a collection for our band director's funeral asking $50 from community leaders. We got $100 with a note to bury two of them.
One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset.
The Lord touched the man who could then see... and he was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying my son?"
The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk.
The Lord touched him and he could walk... and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and
asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said, "Lord I'm a high school band director."
....... and the Lord sat down and cried with him.
Critics
Q: How many music critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.
Q: Why are music critics' columns bad choices to line the bottom of a bird cage?
A: It's too hard to distinguish the droppings from the writing.
Q: What do you get if you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?
A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.
Q: What do you get if you cross a music critic?
A: A bad review.
Q: How many critics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They work in the dark.
Soundmen
Q: How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, two, three... one, two, three.
Q: How many union stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirty-five. "YOU GOTTA' PROBLEM WIT' DAT?"
Blues Musicians
Q: What's the inscription on adead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?
A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.
Q: What happens when you play the blues backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.
Q: How do you make $1 million with a blues band?
A: Start with $2 million.
Q: What does a bluesman do who wins $1 million?
A: He goes on playing until the money's gone.
Q: What's the difference between a blues musician and a pig?
A: A pig won't stay up all night to fuck a blues musician.
Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. blues musicians can't afford light bulbs.
Bagpipes
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play bagpipes, but doesn't.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's worse than a bagpiper?
A: Two bagpipers.
Color Gaurd
Q: What has 32 feet and an I.Q. of 83?
A: A flag corp.
Guitars
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.
Q: What's the traditional greeting between guitarists?
A: "Hi, I'm better than you!"
Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless!
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: What is a guitarist?
A: Someone who likes to get attention, but can't sing.
Told to turn on his amp, the guitar player stroked it slowly while saying, "I love you."
A guitarist was so Baroque, he robbed a music store and ran off with the lute. His percussionist friend took a drum and beat it.
A guitarist named Alex Opornockity played a whole concert with a flat 'B' string. It seems Opornockity only tunes once.
Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed one he knew.
Piano/Keyboard
Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
Q: What do you yell down the mine shaft before dropping the piano down?
A: See sharp or be flat!
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why are pianists' fingers like lightening?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Harmonica
Q: Why do dogs howl when harmonica players play?
A: They're trying to tell them how the song goes.
Q: What do you call a harmonica player's accompanist?
A: Fido
Q: What do the best harmonica players have in common?
A: They all suck -- except when they blow.
Q: What do you call a harmonica player who doesn't step all over the singer's lines?
A: Deceased.
Q: What do you say at the end of a great harmonica solo?
A: Thank God.
Q: How many harmonica players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to determine if it should be in straight or cross position.
Q: What do you call a harmonica player who says he knows what notes he's playing?
A: Liar.
Q: Why do harmonica players say they play a "harp"?
A: So you won't think they play a "harmonica."
Q: Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A: Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
Q: What do you call a harmonica player in a brand new suit?
A: Dearly departed.
Acordions
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and an accordion?
A: If you put them in Tradin' Times, you can sell the lawnmower.
Q: How do you know the guy knocking on your door is a accordionist?
A: He doesn't stop even after you answer.
Q: What's the difference between aan accordian and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between an accordianist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
Q: What's the difference between cutting up an accordian and cutting up onions?
A: No one cries when you cut up an accordian.
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Advice '01-'02 : Band Nerd : Quotes Resurrected
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