Brass Jokes

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it. (Of course, they can only do it in a practice room.)

Q: How can you tell a trumpet player's kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to swing.

Q: If the piece is in 'A' and you have trumpets in 'D', where do the trumpets go?
A: In the case. The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

Q: Why can't gorillas play trumpet?
A: Gorillas are too sensitive.

Q: How do trumpet players traditionally greet eachother?
A: "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

Q: What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
A: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Q: What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the trumpet players.

Q: What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"

Q: How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
A: Write mp on the part.

Q: What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
A: The terrorist has sympathizers.

Q: What is the range of a trumpet player?
A: It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?

Q: How many jazz trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Never mind- they can fake the changes.

Q: How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
A: Take away his instrument.

Q: How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None they can't reach that high.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero. They just complain about the darkness until a trombone player does it for them.

Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'-- so I took it!"

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Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems.

Q: What do you call a house occupied by five hornists?
A: A crack house.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead?
A: One.

Conductor: "Back to bar one." Hornist: "My part isn't numbered."

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Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to customize the switch.

Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q: How can you tell a trombonist's kids at a playground?
A: They don't know how to use the slide.

Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he's going to do it too loud.

Trumpet players use three fingers, euphoniumists four, and tuba players as many as five; but trombonists use seven positions.

Trombone Kama Sutra: Doing it in seven positions.

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Q: How do you contact a baritone player?
A: You-phone-`em.

Q: How many euphonium players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, sometimes two; depends on how many you can find in one spot at the same time.

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Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba?
A: About five yards.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" X 3 1/2".

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll be looking for a bigger bulb.

Q: What do you get when you throw a tuba down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

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