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YE HUV TAE LAUGH!! When Jock visited London for his holidays, he stayed at a big hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on ma bed-room door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loudly I couldnae hear masel play the bagpipes." A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?" The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Oh, lassie, I havnae eaten in a week and I am awfy hungry!"
"Oh, aye! That haggis has made me awfy thirsty and I wud like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think
that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would
you like to play around?" In the beginning when God was creating the world, he was sitting on a cloud telling his pal the Angel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland. "Gabby" he said. "I'm going to give them soaring mountains, purple glens. high flying eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green lush spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, gas... "Hold on" said Gabriel "Are you not being over generous to these Scots. "NO" replied the Almighty "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm going to give them. An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub one day, each enjoying a pint. All of a sudden, three flies appeared, each landing simultaneously in each of the pints. The Englishman turned up his nose, pushed the pint away, then went off to order a fresh one. The Welshman reached in, grabbed the fly, flicked it away, then continued drinking. The Scotsman reached in, grabbed the fly, looked it straight in the face, and growled, "Spit it oot, ye wee thief!" MacTavish was out working the field when a barnstormer landed. "I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot. "Sorry, cannae afford it," replied MacTavish. "Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10." So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare MacTavish. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!" "Aye," said MacTavish, "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!" Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs. 'The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" Thanks tae Hamish fur this wan..:-) |
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