Where dae ye buy yer underwear?

Theres this wee stall right oan the corner oh Argyle Street...3 pairs fur a fiver!

Whit kind oh underwear dae ye like?

Ah only wear white bloomers son...keep oot the cauld in the winter an they gie ye a wee breeze in the summer.

Whit hand dae ye use tae wipe yer bum?

Ah use toilet paper!!

Is yer glass half empty or half full?

Mah glass never gets tae that stage!

Dae ye prefer a shower or a bath?

Ah like baith...got tae keep up wi the Jones's eh! Ma next thing in the bathroom is goannae be wan oh they bidet things.

Whits the daftest chat up line ye huv heard?

If ah get any chat up line ahm grateful...so naine ur daft!

Whit age ur ye?

Didnae be so bliddy cheeky!

Whits yer favourite meal?

Ah love mince an tatties...but ah widnae say naw tae a plate oh curry!

Dae ye still huv yer ain teeth?

Aye...bought an paid fur everywan oh them...huv ye seen the price oh dentists noo??

Whits yer favourite drink?

Anythin ye want tae buy me son!

Dae ye go oot at nights much?

Ah play bingo 3 times a week...oh an ah go tae the line dancin in oor Community rooms...see they men wi their wee tight jeans...ohhhhhhh next question!!

Whit kind oh hoose dae ye live in?

It's a wee flat in a tenement...got a rare view oh the Clyde oan a clear day

Dae ye huv a pet?

Ah huv a wee cat called Cfur...C fur cat...get it!!!

Whit finger dae ye pick yer nose wi?

Ah use ma pinkie...huv ye noticed how everywans pinkie is just the right size? See son..theres a purpose fur everythin eh!

Whit kind oh sheets dae ye use oan yer bed?

Theres nuthin like flanellete wans...wee candy stripes oan them! Naine oh this daft satin an silk stuff fur me!