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Ye awe might o heard some o these
stories afore......but these are the updated Glesga versions. Slightly
different fae the usual wans. LITTLE
RED RIDING HOOD Wance upoan a time there wis a wee
lassie called Agnes, but she aye wore a wee coat wi a red hood her Mammy bought
her at the market so folk aye called her Little Red Riding Hood. But we're
different so we're goanny call her Agnes. Agnes had a granny who lived in a
wee pensioners flat just roond the corner fae her hoose. Wan day granny goat
awfy sick an Agnes's Mammy told her tae take some food an a bottle o gin to
her. So Agnes pit oan her wee coat an took the shopping trolley her Mammy hid
put aw the stuff in an set af tae her Grannys flat. So there Agnes
wis, skippin alang
an sining a wee song. She wis so happy that she didnae notice the wolf who wis
walking ahind her. Noo this wolf wus known in the area fer likin tae eat auld
grannies, nay idea why but wolfs are strange anyway an we didnae write this
story in the first place! Noo the wolf happened tae know
Agnes an her Granny so he worked oot thats were she wis headin. So he ran oan
in front o her an goat tae Granny's flat afore Agnes did. He knocked oan the
door an Granny got oot of bed tae answer it. Well, wit w surprise she goat tae
see a big wolf stawnin there, well ye didnae see many o them in Castlemilk dae
ye? The wolf pushed Granny intae the
flat and tried her up wi a pair o old laddered tights he found sittin oan the
chair. Then he loacked her in her wardrobe efter he pit sticky tape ower her
mooth tae stop her yellin....He would have eaten her then an then but he hid
just had a curry an wisnae that hungry, so he wis savin her fur his supper. Then alang came Agnes who didnae
knoak oan the door as it wis her Grann'ys hoos efter aw. She went intae the
bedroom an there wis the wolf lyin oan the bed wearing her Granny's flannelette
nightie an her wee wooly bed soaks. Noo Agnes wisnae that bright a
wean an couldnae see it wis a wolf an no her Granny lyin there but she did
think Granny looked an awfy colour an there wis something different aboot her. Oh Granny wit big eyes ye huv she
said....aw the better tae see ye wi hen said the wolf. Oh Granny wit big ears
ye huv she said....aw the better tae hear ye wi hen said the wolf. Oh Granny
wit big teeth ye huv she said.....aw the better tae eat ye wi hen said the wolf
and he jumped oot o the bed, grabbed Agnes and tried tae eat her but of course
he hid just had that curry an noo it wis beginnin tae tell oan him. The noise he wis makin (no tae
mention the smell) alerted aw the neighbours who came rushin in tae see where
the party wis an how come they werny invited. The wolf goat such a fright he
ran oot the flat, doon the road an never went back tae that street again.
Granny wis let oot o the wardrobe 2 days later when everywan had finished her
food an gin. Agnes is grown up noo an works fer
a wolf rehabilitation program in Callendar.....so some good came oot o that
day. THE END CINDERELLA Wance upoan a time ther wis a wee
lassie called Cinderella who lived wi her Faither in a wee hoose......her Maw had
left years afore an Cinderella aye wanted a Maw like awe her pals. Wan day her
Faither came back fe the singles nights held doon the club every Tuesday an he
hid a wee gleam in his eyes. Well Cinderella thought "Great, I think the
auld fools finally found a wuman"!! Sure enough her faither goat merried
tae this wee fat wuman wi nay teeth an a voice that could huv been used as a
foghorn. But Cinderella didnae care, she wis so happy tae huv found a Maw, an
even better the wuman had 2 daughters so Cinderella had sisters tae. But efter the wedding the wumman
changed. Well no really, She wis always a bossy nagging sort aw wumman. She
made poor Cinderella do all the hoosework an didnae let her go oot tae dae
anythin except tae go tae Asda fer the messages. Wan day an invitation came fer aw
the single wumman in the hoose. It wis fer a big dance up at the big hoose were
the posh folk stayed....Prince James who wis a bit o aw right wis going tae be
there an he wis lookin fer a wife folk said. On the night o the dance
Cinderella's sisters goat aw dressed up, they looked like mutton dressed as
lamb but they thought they looked the bees knees! Then Cinderella's Stepmaw
telt her she couldnae afford a new dress fer her as her sisters had spent aw
the money. Efter they aw left poor Cinderella
sat doon at the fire an had a wee greet, then suddenly a strange looking wumman
appeared....she hid wings an wore a silly lookin wee white dress.....Cinderella
asked her wit the heck she wis dain in her hoose as it wisnae Halloween fer
anuther 2 months. The wumman telt her she wis her fairy godmother an she wis
going tae let her go tae the ball. Sure enough she did just that...she gave
Cinderella a lovely dress fae Dorothy Perkins, a great wee pair o vinyl
slingbacks, an called up the local garage who came oot wi a shiny new car tae
take her there......Just as she wis leavin the wumman telt her she hud tae be
hame by Midnight an Cinderella agreed an left. At the baw the Prince wis gettin
bored.....he couldnae see anywan he fancied. Then Cinderella appeared an that
wis it! The Prince wis smitten, they danced aw night and then suddenly it wis
midnight! Cinderella panicked, ran away an hid tae get a taxi at the bottom o
the street as her car had disappeared. The Prince wis so upset but then
he saw her wee slingback lying there an said anywan who kin fit this size 9
shoe wull be ma Bride. So aw the wumman in the toon tried the shoe oan but it
didnae fit any o them. Then he went tae Cinderellas hoose an her two sisters
fought tae try it oan but it wis too wee fer their feet. Cinderella tried it an
it just fitted, well efter she pit a big pair o wooly socks oan it did. So the Prince an Cinderella goat
merried, she wis a nice wee lassie an forgave her Step Maw who turned up at the
wedding wearin a stupid lookin big hat but everywan wis glad as it covered her
face. Cinderella an the Prince moved tae
Bearsden tae live an had a load o weans and they lived happily ever efter. THE END HANSEL
& GRETAL Wance there wis a poor woodcutter
(aye awe right, we know theres no many woodcutters in Glesga but the story
widnae huv sounded right wi a poor engineer or somethin!) lived in a wee
cottage in the forest (use yer imagination here!) wi his two weans Hansel and
Gretal. Wi names like that we bet they hud a rotten time wi uther weans! His
second wife wisnae very nice tae the weans......an she wis a right nag tae her
man. "Theres no enough food in this hoose fur us awe. We huv tae get rid
oh these brats," she said. And she kept oan naggin her man tae take them
away. "Take them miles fae
haime....so far that they cannae find their way back! Maybe somewan wull find
them and gie them a haime." (Noo mind, this is just a wee fairy story an
no tae be taken seriously....even if yer weans ur drivin ye up the wall!) The
woodcutter wis a bit oh a wimp an just didnae know wit tae dae. Noo Hansel who
wis a nosy wee overheard them talkin aboot this wan night an ran tae tell
Gretal. "Didnae wurry he said! (no only wis he nosy, he wis a wee smart
alec tae!) If they leave somewhere far, we kin find oor way haime," he
said. An slipping intae the kitchen he filled his pockets up wi a loaf oh
breid. That night, the woodcutter's missus went oan an oan at her man till, tae
shut her up he led Hansel and Gretel away intae the forest. But as they went
alang their way, Hansel dropped wee breidcrumbs here and there oan the ground.
(see! Telt ye he wis a smart alec!) Then they realised their faither hud gone
an they wur awe alone. Gretal started greetin an Hansel
said "Didnae cry, trust me!" "Now gi me yer hand!" he said.
"We just follow these breidcrumbs see!" But he wisnae that smart an alec
an hud forgotten aboot the burds...they hud eaten awe the breid! When it got
light, they started tae walk aboot an see wit they could see. Suddenly they saw
this weird lookin cottage an went up tae huv a better look. This is
chocolate!" screamed Hansel as he tore a piece oh the plaster aff the
walls! (sounds like a wee vandal tae us!) "And this is icing!" said
Gretel, pitting another piece oh wall in her mooth. They wur starvin so they
ate wan side oh the hoose....then decided tae leave the rest in case it fell
doon. Suddenly they heard a voice...
"Well, well!" said an auld wumman, lookin at them fae the front door.
"Come oan in! Ye huvnae got anythin tae fear!" said the auld wumman.
"Ma name is Witch Thatcher....ye might huv heard oh me" Well who in
Glesga hudnae heard oh her......she wis hated awe ower the place! The weans
couldnae get away.....she took them in an made them clean the hoose fae top tae
bottom (aye we know shes wicked but if anywan knows the trick oh gettin weans
tae clean a hoose kin they please send us e-mails tellin us??) Then she kept
feedin them tae fatten them up.....cos she wis well known fur eatin her
victims.....then throwin them oan the scrap heap! Wan day the witch said tae Gretal
"Light the oven,". "We ur goannae huv a tasty roasted boy
today!" Soon she telt Gretal tae go an check if the oven wis hot enough,
but the wee lassie came back an said "ah cannae tell if its hot or
no" Well this made the witch angry...so she rushed tae the oven an peered
inside hersel......suddenly Gretal came up behind her an gave her a big
push....righ intae the oven an slammed the door shut! They wur just wunderin
wit tae dae noo when they heard their faithers voice.....he hud come lookin fur
them! "ah threw that stupid auld bat oot.....she wis only efter ma
boady" (aye he wis stupid as well as poor!) Come haime wi me noo. The
weans wur so happy that their faither hud come fur them.....an the locals in
their toon wur even happier! The wicked witch wis gone.....noo they could go
oot at nights....they could look fur wurk....they could dae awe the things they
hudnae done fur 18 years since she hud moved intae their toon! The celebrations
went oan fur weeks! So the woodcutter an his weans
lived happily ever efter......his ex missus never came back tae their
hoose...last we heard she wis wurkin fur somewan wi a very big nose...but thats
anuther story! THE END |
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