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Jesus Not Looking Forward To Birthday - submitted by Peter S.
Jerusalem - Jesus Christ, son of God and savior of humanity, confided Monday that He is not looking forward to His 2,000th birthday this year, saying that He is "really dreading turning the big two-oh-oh-oh." "This is the Big One," said Christ, who was 1,999 Dec. 25.  "I can't believe I'm actually turning 2,000 soon. I am seriously getting up there." (The whole story...)

Eerie Man Captured In Vacation Photos

Breaking News:  The Kursk Tragedy
by Russian Correspondent B. Crowell

130+ Feared Dead, Hoping for 107 or Less
Norway News – Russian officials today announced that the submarine tragedy playing out at the bottom of the Barents Sea might not be as bad as originally thought.  "There have been many conflicting reports as to the exact number of sailors trapped in the sunken vessel," stated Constantinov Breshva, the press secretary for the Russian navy.  "Early reports had the number of sailors on-board at 106; later reports estimated 107, 108, 116, 118 and went as high as 130 at one point.  At this point we think the number is 118."  Breshva went on to say that although 118 dead sailors was not good, it was admittedly not nearly as catastrophic as say 130 or more.  Other officials have said they are not ruling out the possibility that the number may continue to drop as time goes on.  "We’d like to see the number come down to below 100…we would be very pleased with such an outcome," said one unnamed navy commander.  Other military sources revealed the number could be much lower still, indicating that it could be as low as zero and pointing out that this would explain why there haven’t been any signals from sailors within the Kursk and why "the piece of junk sub" crashed in the first place.

Sony Buys Rights to Russian Sub Tragedy for $150M
Hollywood, CA - Sony Pictures announced today it has negotiated a deal with the Russian military to buy exclusive movie rights to the Russian sub tragedy still unfolding in the Barents sea.  Unconfirmed sources have valued the deal at $150 million US dollars, 200 loaves of bread and a shipping container full of denim jeans.  For their part Sony has declined to comment on the terms of the deal but have stated that the film, due out next summer, will feature a re-teaming of Mark Walhberg and George Clooney as the submarine captain, along with Jon Bon Jovi. Also joining the star studded cast will be Angelina Jolie who will play a hot tempered highly independent shark expert.  Sony executives gave few details on the story line but said it would a basic retelling of the actual events. "It will be about an experimental invisible American submarine that comes under attack by giant prehistoric sharks," said Sony head of marketing Hal Bootman. The working of title of the movie is "The Deep Blue Perfectly Hollow Sub"

News In Brief

Photograph Sparks Controversy:  Could This Be The Legendary Sun?
Los Abeloi, NM -  Controversy raged throughout the astronomical community this month when scientists here at the Los Abeloi Observatory snapped this picture of what some now believe to be the Sun.  "I was as skeptical as anyone when I first saw the photo," said Dr. Rik Surrett, head astronomer at the observatory.  "But after a careful analysis we have failed to come up with any other plausible explanation."  Dr. Surrett explained that they went through every possible weather scenario in an attempt to explain the photograph:  heavy rain and clouds; hail and clouds; tornado, hurricane, and clouds; snow, hurricane, tornado, heavy rain, and clouds; earthquake, tidal wave, volcanic eruption, and clouds.  None of these could explain the photo.  Dr. Surrett went on to explain that moments before the photo was taken the sky itself seemed to break apart, the greyness of heaven separating and revealing a strange, unnatural blue.  "We could barely believe our eyes - it was almost too painful to watch.  Then, these long streaks of light emanated from the sky, and this huge glowing ball appeared.  We barely managed to contain our fear long enough to snap this picture.  Then we all collapsed on the floor and began gibbering like lunatics."  If Dr. Surrett's hypothesis is upheld, this would be the first concrete proof of the Sun's existence.  While referred to in many ancient texts most scholars believed the Sun to be the delusional ravings of heavily opiated savages. 

Area Man Really Sweet, But Not Thought Of In "That Way"
Sault Ste. Marie, ON - Area man Gary Ongley is "really great, but  I don't think of him that way" said friend Jessica Preston.  "I've known Gary for years.  He's really sweet, in a brotherly sort of way."  Ms. Preston recounted the time she asked him out for one of her less attractive friends.  "I just went up to him and said 'Hey, would you like to go my company's Christmas party?'  He lit right up!  So I said 'Great!  Because my friend Brandine needs a date!'  I think they had a good time, but they couldn't do any dancing - Brandine being in a wheelchair and all."  According to Ms. Preston Mr. Ongley is always only a phone call away.  "That time I was having trouble with my boyfriend Richard, he came right over.  I talked for hours about what an asshole Richard was, how he didn't appreciate me or listen to me, how no matter how I tried to please him in bed it was never enough for him.  Gary's a great listener.  We ended up falling asleep together on the couch.  It was almost like having my best girlfriend there with me, only he could give me the male perspective, you know?  He's just the best."

Man Clears Throat In Theater, Fails To Quieten Rowdy Youths
Calgary, AB - Local lawyer Mark Eade cleared his throat at the 9:40 p.m. screening of The Perfect Storm at Silver City this past Tuesday in a vain attempt to quieten several rowdy youths a few rows in front of him.  "I don't understand," said Mr. Eade later outside the theater, "My throat clearing was quite loud - there's no way they could have missed it."  If the youths heard the throat clearing they simply ignored it and continued making distracting comments and snickering.  Sources inside the theater say that after Mr. Eade's first throat clearing failed to produce the desired result he tried several more increasingly exaggerated throat clearings and then loud coughs before finally resorting to sighing loudly in frustration and writhing around uncomfortably in his seat.

The Dukes Of Hazzard Postulate:  Were Our Ancestors Mildly Retarded?
Toronto, ON - Scientists from the University of Toronto's sociology department have just published a paper which postulates that human intelligence is increasing at a geometric rate.  The research, lead by Dr. Calvin Caldwell, uses Nielsen ratings from decades past as its backbone.  "What's surprising here isn't that we are becoming more intelligent - that would be a natural evolution.  It is the rate of increase in intelligence that is astounding - judging from the popularity of The Dukes Of Hazzard, for example, humans just twenty years ago must have been mildly retarded." The Dukes Of Hazzard, a very popular show in the late 70s and early 80s, is widely regarded as one of the worst television shows in history, rivaled only by Welcome Back Kotter and Full House.  "The fact is, no human with modern intelligence levels could possibly enjoy this show - which explains why it airs only on TNN."  Dr. Caldwell went on to say that if human intelligence continues to increase at this rate we should be able to transcend our physical forms and become omnipotent, omniscient beings within 30 years.

Atlantic Canadians Lazy, Says Alliance
Vancouver, BC - Canadian Alliance policy advisor Mr. Mykytyshyn made controversial remarks Friday at a panel discussion during a Vancouver political conference, in response to a question about the "balkanization" of Canadian politics. He said the Alliance was facing its first election and expected to do well in all regions except Atlantic Canada, "for a real simple reason. People in the eastern provinces believe in handouts and ‘Give me a cheque for doing nothing.' They don't want to do what all of our ancestors did, and that was work for a living and go to where the jobs are. So probably the Alliance won't go over as well there."  A protest was organized during Alliance leader Stockwell Day's Nova Scotia visit but only three people showed up.  According to protest organizer Keith Aker most people he contacted would not attend because they feared that if they were seen protesting on TV their workers compensation cheques would be cut off.