Missile Aneous

Joke of the Month
submitted by S. Hayes.

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanillaice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

New Dr. Seuss Titles
submitted by Peter S.

1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One B*tch, Two B*tch, Dead B*tch, Blue B*tch
11. Are You My Proctologist?
12. Yentl the Lentil
13. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
14. Aunts in My Pants
15. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
16. Green Cheese & Spam
17. Who Flung Goo on Betty Sue?

I Am Canadian - By William Shatner at Just For Laughs in Montreal

"Hey, I'm not a Starfleet Commander or T.J. Hooker.

I don't live on Starship NCC dash 1701 or own a phaser.

I don't know anyone named Bones, Sulu or Spock.

And no, I've never had Green Alien Sex -- although I'm sure it would be quite an evening.

I speak English and French, not Klingon. I drink Labatt's, not Romulan Ale.

And when someone says to me, 'Live long and prosper,' I seriously mean it when I say 'Get a life!'

My doctor's name is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg.

And Tribbles were puppets! Not real animals!! Puppets!!!

And when I speak, I never, ever, talk / like / every / word / is / its / own / sentence!

I live in California, but I was raised in Montreal.

I believe in Priceline Dot Com, where you never have to pay full price for airline tickets, hotels and car rentals.

I have appeared on stage at Stratford, Carnegie Hall, Albert Hall and at the Monkland Theatre in NDG (Notre Dame de Grace).

And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before. But I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission.

My name is William Shatner and I AM CANADIAN."

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
submitted by Lyne M.

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

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STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
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Asshole.
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Bitch.
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Wanker.
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Slut.
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Get fucked.
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Eat shit.
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FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
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Go drink some tea - whore..

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