Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Famous Aries:  Fuzzy
Something involving money will happen to you this month.  I think it involves a bank machine and a hand gun...  the rest is a little fuzzy.

Taurus: (April 20--May 20)
Famous Tauruses:  Ben
After calling the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire hotline every day for a month and failing to get past the first question you're going to finally realize what everyone else around you has known for years:  You're a goddamn idiot.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Famous Geminis:  Jenn, Rik, Lyne, Kevin, Wendy
You remember a while ago when the Canadian Armed Forces seized that ship in the Atlantic with all our tanks on it?  The ship's captain wasn't swerving to avoid getting boarded - that was a Sea King helicopter hovering above his ship!  He was trying to avoid getting crashed on!

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Famous Cancers:  Steve, Lung
You're going to spend a solid day this month getting chased around by tumbleweeds.  The best thing to do is remain perfectly still:  While it won't decrease your chances of getting hit, you won't get nearly as tired.

Leo: (July 23--August 22)
Did you hear about that woman who threw herself in front of a subway train while holding her baby?  Apparently she had severe post-partum depression and stopped taking her anti-depressants because she feared they would harm her breast feeding baby.  I don't know lady, I figure the anti-depressants would have harmed the baby less than a hurtling train.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
So the Olympic committee in Sydney put the Roman Colosseum on the medals instead of the Greek Parthenon.  Whoops!  It could have been worse, they could have put Crocodile Dundee on there, eating a Vegemite sandwich.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Famous Libras:  Peter B.
You're going to have a big party at your place this month and the neighbours are going to call the cops.  Just do your best to co-operate with them and quiet down - you don't want them searching your house and finding that cache of weapons grade plutonium you've got in your basement, do you?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Famous Scorpios:  Jon
Sadly, your coworkers are going to form an alliance against you and vote you out of the office.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Famous Sagittarians:  Ron, Darrell
Good times are here to stay!  You might as well start celebrating now, cause baby the good times are gonna keep rollin' in!

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You ever notice when you're hanging out with the Pope that he's got that creepy old man smell?  Kind of like sour milk?  It's friggin gross.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Famous Aquarii:  Amanda
Cartwheels figure prominently in your future.  This would be a good week to purchase some meat or meat products.  You should drape yourself in some sort of fuscia material as often as possible, it will keep the panhandlers away.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Famous Pisces:  Jen
You're finally going to get that rodent problem under control.  Unfortunately it's going to be replaced by an equally difficult equine problem, so start stocking up on horse poison now -  good luck with that!

 
 

Copyright 2000 The Upper Canada Chronicle