News In Pictures

Adventures In Camping

Top Story

Nova Scotia Town Goes Missing Off Provincial Map:  "First Of Many", says Prime Minister
Somewhere Near Where Pictou Used To Be, NS - Nova Scotians were stunned this morning when brand new provincial maps were released that omitted the town of Pictou, a popular tourist spot and the termination point for the P.E.I ferry.  "I can't believe it," said mayor Frank Johnson.  "Yesterday I was mayor of Pictou, now I'm just the mayor of that place near a hospital, a huge anchor, and a question mark.  This fucking blows." (The whole story...)

News In Brief

Nation's Ugliest Hockey Wife Named
Toronto, ON - Dominic Hasek may be the Dominator on the ice, but according to readers of The Hockey News he's a loser when it comes to picking a wife, whom they have recently voted hockey's ugliest.  "It's not as much of an insult as it sounds," said Hockey News editor Sherman McTier.  "I mean, these are not normal standards we're dealing with here.  These are hockey wife standards.  Have you ever seen the wife section at a hockey game?  These women are all incredibly hot."  Supporting this claim, a separate Hockey News poll found that 99% of readers found Mrs. Hasek more attractive than their own wives or girlfriends and would sleep with her if given the chance. 

Spring Fever Season Finally Over, Thoughts Turn Away From Sex With Strangers
Montreal, QC - A huge sigh of relief could be heard across the city this past weekend as the final lingering effects of spring fever vanished.  "Sweet living fuck, I'm glad that's over," said one man.  "I think I had an erection for two solid months there."  Spring fever has long been associated with increased thoughts of lust and romanticism, and strikes some people much more severely than others.  "I'm just glad I managed to make it through the season without being ravaged over and over again by the Toronto lacrosse team, the way I had imagined." said one relieved woman.  "Thank God that never happened."  The woman, who asked that she not be identified, said she plans on cleaning her apartment and spending more time with friends now that all of her waking hours are not spent on thoughts of sex with strangers.

Royal Commission Launched On Adverse Effects Of Ashley MacIsaac On Environment
Ottawa, ON - The federal government appointed a royal commission into the adverse effects of entertainer Ashley MacIsaac on the environment today.  "There have been several indications that Ashley MacIsaac poses a threat to the environment but so far we've uncovered nothing conclusive," said Prime Minister Jean Chretien.  "We hope this commission will be able to get to the bottom of this and ascertain if Mr. MacIsaac is indeed a threat or not."  Mr. MacIsaac has long been thought to be a threat to various ecosystems because of his turbulent fiddle playing, urine centered sexual acts, and unchecked facial hair growth.  "The rate of foliage die-off surrounding his Cape Breton home is alarming, and is beginning to spread beyond his property," said one MP.  Mr. MacIsaac could not be reached for comment but his agent supplied this written statement:  "We are happy this commission has been appointed and look forward to Mr. MacIsaac being cleared of all charges.  At present and at no time in the past has Mr. MacIsaac been a biotoxic agent."

Billy Jones' IPO Of Sister's Underthings Off To Rocky Start
Hamilton, ON - Billy Jones, a 3rd grader at St. Peter's Catholic school, has just launched the somewhat less-than-successful initial public offering of his big sister's underthings.  "I'm not really sure what happened," said the precocious 8 year old.  "I guess I overestimated the public demand for my sister's panties and training bras."  The shares were initially offered at 10 cents or 1 piece of Hubba Bubba chewing gum.  By the end of trading today they had plummeted to 2 cents, or 1/2 stick of Spearmint.  "It's a bit of a shock," stated Billy.  "The market research said that there was a huge interest in girls' underthings among 2nd to 4th graders.  But I guess that interest just wasn't as firm as we thought."  Analysts believe the lackluster performance may have something to do with the fact that Billy's 12 year old sister has braces and is rumoured to have "cooties."  Billy has conceded that the time may not be right for his sister's underthings to go public and is thinking of trying again when she's 17 or so.  In the meantime he intends to quietly return her underthings before his parents find out.

Huey Lewis Announces It's No Longer Hip To Be Square - Hipsters Rejoice
Los Angeles, CA - Area hipsters rejoiced earlier this week when after month's of pressure from a Senate Subcommittee on the Status of Hipness Huey Lewis announced that it is "no longer hip to be square, if it ever was."  Huey Lewis and his rock band The News stated in a 1986 song that it was indeed hip to be square, an assertion that first shocked and then outraged the hipster community.  "Man, that was like the worst," recollected Manny the Hippie.  "We thought we had it figured out, you know?  The distrust of the Man, the refusal to be categorized, the questionable hygiene... Then that damn song came out and shook us.  And not in a good way."  Thousands of hippies forsook their hippy roots and got jobs as vacuum cleaner salesmen and computer repairmen.  Only a small group clung to their ideals and eventually convinced the United States Senate to launch a subcommittee to discover the true nature of hipness.  "We finally made it, dudes," said Manny to his peers after the announcement.  "Now let's smoke this big fat jay I've been saving and go freak out some squares."