Somewhere Near Where Pictou Used To Be, NS - Nova Scotians were stunned this morning when brand new provincial maps were released that omitted the town of Pictou, a popular tourist spot and the termination point for the P.E.I ferry.
"I can't believe it," said mayor Frank Johnson. "Yesterday I was mayor of Pictou, now I'm just the mayor of that place near a hospital, a huge anchor, and a question mark. This fucking blows."
According to the mayor the trouble first started when Pictou residents began a letter writing campaign to their Member of Parliament demanding a reform to the employment insurance regulations. The changes made to EI in 1996 have hit this town hard. "This is a coastal maritime town," explained the mayor. "We mostly just fish for a few months then live on pogey. It's our way of life."
While protest against EI regulations is nothing new, the townsfolk of Pictou brought the anti-government rhetoric to a new level, attacking the character of their MP and finally of Prime Minster Jean Chretien himself. "I think the huge ad they took out in The Globe [And Mail] was the straw that broke the camel's back."
The residents banned together in June, 1999 and purchased an ad in the national paper alleging that Mr. Chretien is, among other things, the result of several generations of incest and "a space alien come to Earth to steal our women and precious bodily fluids." According to several anonymous sources in the Prime Minister's Office Mr. Chretien "totally lost it" when he was shown the ad.
"About a week after the ad ran I got a letter from the PMO," said Mayor Johnson. "Most of it is unprintable but the basic gist was that we, as a town, were going to 'pay, pay, pay' for our vile accusations. I guess he got us good."
The PMO is taking full responsibility for the omission of Pictou, and announced this morning that several other cities are lined up for Prime Ministerial censure. While none besides Pictou have transgressed enough to earn complete obliteration, Mr. Chretien warned that if other cities do not clean up their act and stop complaining about his "righteous and benevolent tyranny" they will be renamed as he sees fit. The following map sections depict several of the "renamed" cities.
"As you can look, we are quite préparé to make good on dis threat. No more whining about no ships, Farttown!" screamed Chretien from the podium.
The Prime Minister's aides made it clear that Mr. Chretien was serious about these threats and was just waiting for an excuse to put his maps into circulation. "Just watch him." said one aide.
Mayor Johnson feels there is little hope for what used to be Pictou. "I guess we'll have to make do with our lot now," he said, shaking his head in dismay. "Maybe we can do like that Prince fella did and call ourselves 'The Town Previously Known As Pictou.' That anchor would make a good symbol..."
Copyright 2000 The Upper Canada Chronicle