Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Famous Aries:  Fuzzy
While some consider it inappropriate, I think a t-shirt that says "My Friend Just Went To The Hereafter, And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt" puts the "fun" back in funerals.

Taurus: (April 20--May 20)
Famous Tauruses:  Ben
I just saw this documentary called "1984".  It was about England in the olden times.  Anyway, there's a line in there somewhere that goes "If you want to imagine the future, imagine a human face being crushed by a bootheel.  Forever."  I guess that explains why the British are so ugly.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Famous Geminis:  Jenn, Rik, Lyne, Kevin, Wendy
You know, one of the best things about being a guy is that disliking someone does not necessarily preclude having great sex with them.  Another great thing is that you never, ever feel the urge to stop one of your friends from getting laid.  Hey ladies, what the hell's up with that?

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Famous Cancers:  Steve, Lung
So I was browsing through the latest issue of Cosmo and you'll never guess what I found out:  My imaginary girlfriend and I aren't suited to each other!  Turns out she's a "taker" and so am I, so we'll both always feel unfulfilled!  Next time I mix drugs with alcohol and begin hallucinating I'll have to tell her it's over.

Leo: (July 23--August 22)
Oh Leo, this month's going to be just brutal for you.  First, your health is going to suffer.  Then, you're going to have tons of problems at work.  Also, your social life will become even more pathetic than it already is.  On the upside the cable company is going to offer The Comedy Channel for free for a month!

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You know if you sat down in the sand and made a little circle around you, then made another bigger circle around that, and kept doing that until you were sitting in the middle of a ring of concentric circles, God would be really tempted to impale you with a huge dart.  So don't do it:  You don't want to be responsible for driving God to murder, do you?

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Famous Libras:  Peter B.
Although you might think it's a bad thing when you start growing antlers this month, just think of it this way:  It's almost rutting season!

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Famous Scorpios:  Jon
While gladiatorial combat hasn't really been in style for a couple of thousand years, carrying a huge sword down the sidewalk still turns heads.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Famous Sagittarians:  Ron, Darrell
A rare bad month for you, Sagittarian.  Your nutrional experiment involving butter and household cleaners will be a total failure.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You know how they say that even a stopped clock is right twice a day?  That's just because the clocks we use have twelve hours on them.  If you had a clock with just one hour on it, it would be right 24 times a day.  And if you had a clock with just one minute on it, it would be right all the time.  So my question is:  How come no one ever thought of this before?  Why are we wasting batteries on these things?

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Famous Aquarii:  Amanda
I wonder if anyone ever had the nerve to just walk up to Shakespeare and punch him in the mouth?

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Famous Pisces:  Jen
If dolphin's are so goddamn smart why don't they do anything besides swim around all day, catching fish and procreating?   Wait a minute...
 

 
 

Copyright 2000 The Upper Canada Chronicle