- American League East (Spencer)
- American League Central (Brian)
- American League West (Brian)

- National League East (Spencer)
- National League Central (Spencer)
- National League West (Brian)

- 2005 Cardinals (Brian)

1. Rafael Palmeiro, enraged about being mixed up in the steroid scandals, takes a stand by vowing to use his penis as a bat all season. His ploy is partially successful, as he hits 43 dingers with his dinger. However, Congress grows suspicious, and insists that Major League Baseball institute a Viagra policy to keep it from tainting the game.
2. Nolan Ryan, still capable of throwing a baseball ninety miles-per-hour, comes out of retirement for a one year return to the Texas Rangers. The Rangers, in need of any sort of pitching they can get, comply without any hesitation. Unfortunately, the division rival Oakland A’s are one step ahead of them, and they nab third baseman Robin Ventura out of retirement. “Now that he’s like 60, I can probably beat his ass this time,” said Ventura, who unsuccessfully charged the mound against Ryan in 1993.
3. After a year away from the game, former Indians/Dodgers reliever Paul Shuey returns as a starter with the Royals, joining forces with Jose Lima to win 48 combined games and catapult Kansas City to the top of standings. Experts agree that Shuey is now a mortal lock for the Hall of Fame, and that Lima is an idiot. It will never be "Lima Time" in the HOF.
4. Former Pittsburgh outfielder Derek Bell sends a letter to the Pirates stating just how well his 2003 plan, “Operation Shutdown” was still working. Bell notes that he still hasn’t played another game, and that he bets the Pirates are really regretting ever making him mad. He then cites his likeness to Pedro Cerrano from those Major League movies.
5. Charles Johnson, tired of being thought of as an immovable lump behind the plate on defense, requests a position switch. Colorado, torn between being terrified of Johnson's mobility in the field and being terrified of him in general, gives in and allows him to play center field. With his scowl now aimed towards the batters' faces instead of at their backs, opposing teams fail to hit the ball out of the infield. Somehow, Colorado's team ERA is still 6.92 at the end of the year.
6. Kaz Ishii, now a New York Met, is forced out to the mound every fifth day and winds up making 35 starts over the course of 2005. Ishii, and his Japanese mullet, manages to walk 200 batters, setting a new precedent for sucking. He also only strikes out 91, but winds up having a 4.10 ERA and getting signed to a two-year, $15 million extension by the Mets, who really don’t care how well anyone pitches as long as they can give them a lot of money.
7. After years of trying to live with it, Royce Clayton admits starting him in place of Ozzie Smith in 1996 was one of the worst baseball decisions ever. Clayton forces Arizona to bring The Wizard out of retirement and use him as their starter to even the score. At the end of the year, the 50-year-old Smith is outhitting Clayton by 200 points, but is consistently beaten by Royce when the two play black history trivia.
8. Giants outfielder Barry Bonds, in the midst of chasing Hank Aaron’s home run record, takes a good look at his driver’s license and realizes he’s actually ten years older than he thought! Upon realizing that he’s 40, Bonds hits .274 and finishes 2005 with 16 home runs, leaving him well short of Aaron. Bonds retires from baseball to go back to his first true love: hating people.
9. The Yankees, continuing thier collection of worthless first basemen (Jason Giambi, Tino Martinez), "steal" Travis Lee from Tampa Bay. In a game featuring the Yankees and Rangers, Lee intentionally lines a foul ball off of Buck Showalter's face because seeing his former manager reminds him of the one season he wasn't terrible. Buck retaliates by having Lee hit in his next at-bat, which leads to an all out brawl during which seventeen players are suspended and Jason Varitek runs onto the field in his Red Sox uniform to poke A-Rod in the eye again.
10. Red Sox pitcher Pedro Astacio continues his struggles in 2005, setting a record by giving up seven consecutive home runs to the New York Yankees. Astacio is then released, ordered to leave town, and then confused as a “foreigner tourist” by his perpetually redneck ex-teammate Curt Schilling, who then reminds him that John Wayne didn’t die so that he could be in this country. Two days later, Astacio signs with the Mets for 3 years and $12 million.

------------ = Spencer
------------ = Brian

Keep children away from the TV
when Rafael bats in '05.