As the day of departure looms above and around me I find the old hamster spinning in the wheel in my head. I have two job interviews arranged for the week that I arrive and one is with the same company that has been the bread and butter for my family since I was born and the other is with a staffing agency that works with government agencies. I don't know why this is a hard decision to make, but it seems like a moment that turns the course of your life left or right.
I also keep thinking about relationships- a sad side effect of Valentines Day. My resolve is being tested at the moment and my belief in destiny is not so sure anymore. Not that I thought that our path is set, but that maybe certain things and people were destined to cross your path in that grand design. Maybe it is all just chaos. I'm gearing up to leave, yet again, and it feels like I'm on auto-pilot. I was told, by my ex-step-father, that this is not set in stone, and that if you don't find what you're looking for you can always come back. That goes against the prevailing thought in my head that you can never go back, that nothing will ever be the same, which I do still believe. But it begs the question of how I intend to retain the friendships that have developed while I've been in Florida. My track record is not so good (see list of places on index page). It isn't as though I intentionally try to cut myself off from these past lives, as my mother calls them, but when you're a thousand miles away, you loose something. And it isn't as though I had known any of these people all of my life, but it somehow seems different with the group that I've got in Florida. I guess that it comes down to me knowing what I'm in for, starting over again...... it sucks. And this time there's no one to blame for my bad choices except myself. Not that this is a bad decision, it's on that path to my ultimate career goals, but I can see that things change, life is not stationary.
CSHL- Sunrise, Florida, United States of America
And my world will grow-
change, expand,
But I stay in a shell,
my heart in hand.
What awaits is unknown,
But still I see,
the person I was,
wasn't me.
How long will it last?
This freedom of
Sight
Feelings
Experience
Knowledge
Will I shut off one day?
Internally die?
Or maybe I won't speak
through words
only my eyes.
To live is to be,
To die, not to see.
When the world ends
I hope to be dead
That I will not see
All of my love,
My world,
burning before me.
CSHL, 1998
