e-mail the webmaster:[email protected]|last updated 06 April 2004
The Hijacked
Shack in
Iraq
In the middle of nowhere there are
five guys. In the wilderness live five kings among men. Deep in the
secluded deserts of Iraq is a place that is a monument to the foraging
skills of five soldiers. This place is The Maintenance Shack. This is
where it all happens. This is the place to be, but only if you're STUCK
IN IRAQ.
SAVE JONAH!! Jonah has a broken hand...save him!
SHACK SOLD. That's right, the shack is no longer for sale. The auction may not have been on e-bay, but we feel this way was better.
The List. We gathered our thoughts and came up with a list of ways to tell that we've been in Iraq too long. It's as funny as it is pathetic.
R&R. Harvey's trip to Qatar was one of a kind. Read his trip log!
The Whole Freakin' Show is Back! Ask Jonah has changed. What you want to know, and what you should know. You're still welcome to ask your questions. So, check it out!
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have visited this site since 13 Oct 03.
News
- April 6: Live from Camp Patriot, Kuwait, it's The Shack in Iraq, only we're not in Iraq anymore. This is where most of the twelve steps of quitting deployment take place. Step 5 is clean the vehicles, and they were cleaned on the latest addition to the photo gallery. There are a total of three new photo gallery pages...it's been that long since the last update. While I don't know how soon we are to getting home, I do know that we're almost done up here. The vehicles are cleaned, the sensitive items are packed away, and the connexes are sealed. It's really amazing how quickly we prepped everything to go back to the land of ocean sunsets.
- March 19: What's that look like to you? We're cleaning stuff up. Every tool, every part, in every drawer has to be clean to leave the country. The inspectors won't be along for a few days, but we'll need all that time to clean, especially since we're still getting stuff dirty! Maintenance isn't closed...maintenance is very much open, but also very much looking forward to getting out of here. Speaking of which, soon there will come a time when we won't be able to access the internet. No matter when that happens, I won't be ready for that. If there comes a time when updates don't appear, it's because there's no internet [for us]. Not to worry...eventually, an update will get posted. Probably from Kuwait, even if the net does cost seven bucks an hour. There is a free internet in both Kuwait and Iraq, but you can't upload, and lots of times geocities is banned by websense...so no updating webpages from there.
- March 16: First things first...Luke's back! He left for leave back in February...so it's about time he return. And what did he return to? Most of his stuff is gone, packed away in some Connex. The Shack is sold. The "p" button is iffy on my keyboard. The mosquitoes are coming back. The motor pool is getting packed up. There's mice in the Shack. News on that, though! We caught another mouse today...and it was Napoleon! I guess he ran out of pawns (fools...whatever) and took the bait himself. And I'm not into astrology or anything, but sometimes you get an interesting one. Mine for today was, "You're in a different time zone. The world must have slowed down while you were asleep. Days go by with each passing hour. Others are unable to comprehend how you can move so quickly, or why you would want to. You're passing through a field of different colors, and none of them is your favorite. Someone spun a dial when you weren't paying attention, changing the picture into a different view. Formerly simple harmonies clash in complicated dissonance. By now it's clear that you're not very comfortable here. Move out of this situation at the first opportunity." Couldn't have said it better myself.
- March 15: Napoleon is brighter than we thought. There was a mouse trap set up and we heard a "snap". We looked and there was a dead mouse there. However, a few seconds later another mouse came by and ate the food from the trap...safe from harm! Napoleon sent a pawn to set the trap off! What a leader he must be for the mice to follow him blindly to their death! We'll get Napoleon, though...we got Saruman and we can get Napoleon.
- March 13: There's an infectious disease running around...Harvey Syndrome. It's nothing serious; more like chronic forgetfulness. You see, even after being here for a year, Harvey still forgets to take his towel with him to the showers every once in awhile. And now Angel's developed a case of mild Harvey Syndrome. Get well soon, guys! On a more deja-vu note, there is a mouse in the shack. Jonah has dubbed him Napoleon, as well as declared war on him. I smell a Waterloo nearby...
- March 12: Luke's back! Or at least that'll be the entry in a few days. He's due back any day now. Funny how the time change works...we got an e-mail from Luke's dad a few hours ago, but it was dated the 11th. Website additions: SAVE JONAH!
- March 09: Again with the fuel missions. The TPU, or tanker, has been on hiatus for about three months...the truck got a much deserved break. After 154,141 gallons, the army wants more. Let me give you an idea of what 154,141 gallons is like. It's more than the sum of all the TPU's on base. That's probably even more true now because of all the units that are just getting here. Their TPU's are untested and unused, as are their operators. I told one that he'll enjoy the summers here. He responded, "I've had enough of them already." The funny part is that he'd only been here since January. We had a heat wave where it almost reached 100 degrees, but that was only for a few days. Boy is he in for a surprise.
- March 06:
So why didn't anyone tell me that there was a typo on the previous
entry? I've corrected it since then, but it brings up an important
point. Being out here has had the unfortunate effect of dulling our
minds. Sure, a lot of books were read, a lot of movies were talked
about, a lot of politics were discussed...we even kept ourselves up on
current science related events like the monkey machine! Still not
enough. Too much redundancy, I suppose. Not enough new stuff to make
our mind think in new ways. Makes me wonder how, in "Groundhog Day",
Bill Murray's character got better and better in spite of living the
same day for months. Our days vary just as much as Murray's did, only
instead of snow we got sand. Oh, and I put all of our old works of art
under the "archive" link and added another page to the photo gallery.
- March 03:
89 degrees and counting...The weather here changes really quickly...or
maybe it's just sensory threshold. Anyway, people all over base are
complaining about how hot it is here. Every time we hear this
we feel compelled to smack them upside the head; but the weather will
do that for us once it actually is hot. Right now it's actually kinda
nice, especially when the breeze comes in and cools you down.
- February 29th:
Tower guard is rarely interesting. Once in awhile, though, something so
unusually ordinary happens that it opens our eyes. I'm not talking
about when locals poop in the irrigation canal or walk their cows up to
the wire to graze, I'm talking about unusual activities. This morning,
when I (Harvey) got off shift I had two stories to tell. Both made me
feel we'd been too long. The first was during the guard brief. They
always tell us about the stuff "haji" has been doing lately. They told
us that some of them had stolen or were trying to steal a port-a-potty.
Then he added cruelly but innocently, "You know your life's jacked up
if you have to steal a port-a-potty." I remembered those days. Though I
didn't want to steal a port-a-potty, I would go out of my way to use
one. There would be signs posted on the port-a-potty doors stating that
if you weren't with such and such unit, you weren't authorized to use
it. Would you deny water to a thirsty man? Would you deny food to a
hungry man? Would you deny a shower to a stinky man? I didn't think so.
Anyway, my next story isn't so dramatic. We have to report by radio
anything that could be a threat. Well last night I heard one of the
towers say, "I see tracer rounds 200 meters out." Before Main could
respond, the tower next to that tower said, "that's only a shooting
star." Ha, ha! Somebody's a little paranoid.
- February 26th:
Look at all that wind! The tarp on top of the shack had to be reset,
and we lined the edges with sandbags as well as tied down the ends to
make sure the wind didn't blow it away. Mind you, it was dangerous
work! That tarp caught the wind like a kite...a really big one, and
away we went. It was fun. So much fun that we got carried away [pun
intended]! Seriously, though...nobody got hurt. That was the day Luke
left. He's on leave right now, so his fan mail will be on hold. In the
meantime, the rest of us are still here for all your fanmail needs. If
you don't know what to write about and need inspiration, look at the
new page on the photo gallery that shows us at work.
- February 17th:
Sorry about the delay between updates, but you see harvey was in Qatar
for some R&R. He should have a complete summary of his
[mis]adventures up soon. In the meantime, there are pictures up on the
photo gallery.
- February 10th:
How 'bout that...a new door AND new windows! The shack got upgraded.
Our lifestyle is that much more enviable. Sure, the windows are made of
wood, technically making them walls, and the door has nails sticking
through, but the nails are bent in and the windows are much better than
before! Take a look at the new additions in our photo gallery.
- February 3rd:
The net was down! I had an update ready to go, then the net goes down.
Good 'ole February...home of the "Superbowl Monday". Those that saw the
Superbowl saw it at 0200 hours, Monday morning. In English, it's
pronounced "2am". In other news, the shack was painted. Notice how
white it is now. Everyone is now back at the Shack(tm). Jonah was at
Qatar, Angel and Prince were on leave, Harvey was at Arifjan...and now
everyone's back. Yes, that's right...we can answer our fan mail again,
as well as life's greatest questions in "Ask Jonah". I added another
page to the photo gallery, added more road signs from Kuwait, and
uploaded a picture of World's Ugliest Fly.
- January 14th:
What the heck? Why is it raining so much? It's rained sporadically
since November, and constantly since January! Cooper's moved into the
shack, it would seem. I should probably try to get a profile of him
online, only there's no camera for a picture, which would mean I would
have to use the one with him in a gorilla mask...j/k, I probably have
one of him somewhere in my archive.
I added a link to some road signs around Kuwait and I added some pictures to the photo gallery. No camels this time.
- December 21st:
Like that picture of me and the camel? I can't believe they charge you
$2.00 and the picture is only 640x480. And where is Return of the King?
How can the army expect us to live at least a mediocre life without the
last installment to the Lord of the Rings movie? Alas, we'll have to
make do with what the local camp movie theatre provides. In my case,
that's movies from the 80's. I think the BYOM (bring your own movie)
night at the MWR has newer movies than the theatre.
- December 19th:
I reuploaded the commercial. Now it's less than 1 MB, which means that
5 people can download it per hour...i think that's acceptable.
- December 15th:
Uploaded Jonah's poem. Heard that they captured Hussein yesterday. I
think they should allow coalition soldiers, or at least U.S. soldiers,
to take a picture with him. I want a picture with him!
- December 13th:
A mentos commercial I made is available for download! Plus, I changed
the splash picture to a pretty sky. Angel took that shot on one of his
convoys.
- December 5th:
I'm in Kuwait, again. Hmm...the webpage will be a little tougher to
update from here, especially when it comes to pictures. And news,
too...what's happening at the Shack? The world holds its breath to
know...me too.
- November 27th:
First things first...Happy Thanksgiving. I put up some pictures of the
decorations in the DFAC in the photo gallery. Okay, so I've finally got
the final list of performers at the USO tour. It took me three times,
but I finally found it. There was Wayne Newton, Neal McCoy, Gary
Sinise, Jenevi Bahck, Chris Isaak, and Ollie North.
- November 26th:
Angel went to one of them USO shows. The guy who played Lieutenant Dan
(Forrest Gump) was there, Wayne Newton, the Dallas Cowboys
Cheerleaders, and some other people whose name Angel doesn't remember.
In other news, we've weatherproofed our shack again. A few more days of
rain and wind coming at us, and the last windy day blew our
weatherproofing away. Also, I did some research on the web. So many
people have told me that the Flameless Ration Heater (FRH) vapor, from
MRE's, is poisonous. Well it isn't. It's not poisonous, but it is
flammable...not that it's good to inhale flammable gas, but the point
is it's not poisonous. How flammable is it? It's very little...it's
good 'ole hydrogen (H2). Remember the Hindenberg? One last thing, I
added a page to the photo gallery.
- November 21st: I ended Mice and Men.
After Saruman's death, I felt like I was forcing myself to continue
writing more and more chapters. It's for the best, really. It started
out as an overdramatization of our experiences with mice, then it got
interesting and it grew into a short story. And, as stories often do,
it took a life all on its own...the story wrote itself and I was just
the medium. So it's over. I'll post updates to our war on mice here, I
suppose. If anything big happens, it might get added as an addendum.
Did you know that the plural of addendum is addenda? Jonah says to
write another story--we'll see if something comes up.
SITE ADDITIONS: Project Jo.N.A.H. is now up for viewing.
- November 17th:
I am a walking block of ice. All feelings arrive to my brain as "numb."
The water heater, though it works, loses it's prime every once in
awhile, so it stops heating the water. When we step out of the shower
we're all shades of blue and purple--who would've thought the Middle
East would be so cold! I worry that my toothbrush will freeze to tongue
someday...
- November 15th: Well, CNN finally found us. Here is a link to a news story on CNN about the Shack.
So I was checking the weather at weather.com, and they don't report the
weather here--the closest place is Baghdad. Unfortunately, it's colder
here than in Baghdad...And there's a--what's the opposite of delay? For
instance, the other day Baghdad reported clear skies, yet we had a
thunderstorm. The next day, Baghdad reported thunderstorms, and we had
clear skies. Anyway, the lows are in the 40's and the highs in the
70's--quite a contrast from the highs in the 150s and the lows in the
100s. While we do have a water for the showers, when we walk out of the
showers and head back to the Shack...well, no use complaining, can't
really do anything 'bout it anyway. Oh, and that news story isn't
really about this shack.
- November 12th: Added chapters 10 and 11 to Mice and Men.
- November 11th:
I stand corrected...now we're safe. The sand storm that hit yesterday
still raged on. It actually got worse as the day progressed, like a
bull on speed. Jonah put glue in his mouth today. Here's how it
happened. Jonah's Rubik's Cube has a sticker that's falling off. He
complained about it so much, I suggested he use insta-bond on the
sticker. This went on for days and days until, finally, he did it
today. When he applied the bonding agent to the sticker, it stuck to
his finger. He ripped his finger off the cube and it stung. So then he
put his finger in his mouth, and that's how he glued his mouth.
Fortunately, nothing got stuck anywhere.
- November 10th:
Safe!--but only barely. A monster sand storm hit during the night. As
you can tell from the pic, we were clearly distressed beyond belief.
All cammo netting that was up around the AO was down. The boxes on top
of our shack were found in our backyard. Our window blew out. That,
combined with the plastic door that opens with any slight breeze, let
in a lot of dust.
SITE ADDITIONS: Page 7 to the photo gallery is now up. It showcases the storm damage.
- November 9th:
Everyone was surprised by the tales Harvey had to tell from his journey
into Kuwait. "They have a Starbuck's there?" "Arafjan has grass?"
"Cooper and Honrado spent how much at the PX?" Yes, these
stories are all true. There IS indeed grass at Arafjan--now everybody
wants to go there and see it. There IS indeed a Starbuck's at Doha.
Two, in fact: one by the PX and one at Marble Palace. Copper and
Honrado DID spend a lot of money at Doha--They were on a first name
basis with the PX workers. Oh, and today I got "Finding Nemo" on DVD.
That's the last movie I ordered. It shipped a few days ago, and yet,
Jonah is still waiting on Mr. Nice Guy, which shipped over five weeks
ago.
SITE
ADDITIONS: Mice and Men has reached chapter 9. There are new pages in
the photo gallery (pages 5 and 6). You can now "Buy The Shack."
- November 8th:
Harvey successfully returned from his convoy today. There was an
annoying long formation for promotions and a question and answer
session for redeployment. November 13th some of our equipment will be
headed to Kuwait. More bad news supposably coming.
- November 6th:
Angel got back from Qatar yesterday. Today was a day of victory, the
men have caught 2 mice today. The bag farm was handed over to the
288th.
- November 1st:
Angel left for Qatar today. And tomorrow, Harvey will be on convoy to
Doha. Now for the news. I've got good news and bad news. The bad news
is that Southern California is being ravaged by really big wildfires.
Griff's car and boat were in the way of that, but he's taking it like a
man. The good news is that the water heater was installed! Now we can
take showers with warm water! Lately, the water had been very, very
cold. We've had the water heater for over a month, why it didn't get
installed earlier vexes everyone.
Site additions:
Added Chapter 7 to Mice and Men. And I taught Jonah how to update Ask
Jonah, so he can solve life's mysteries while I'm on convoy.