Having troubles with love? Is that
volkswagon giving you problems again? Mom and Dad bugging you too much?
If you have a problem and want
a solution, you're in luck! Jonah's here to help you out........Ask
Jonah has`changed!!! Due to the lack of questions that aren't silly,
I've decided to change the format of this column. Oh, by all means you
can still ask your questions. I might answer them. Well, here's
the scoop, enjoy!
The Passion of Christ
20 Mar 2004
There's been a rave about this movie back in the good ol' United
States. Unfortunately, for us very anxious soldiers we're going to have
to wait until it comes out on home video to see it. "The Passion of
Christ", I can't even imagine how they could make a movie like that.
For any of our loyal readers, did this movie touch you at all? Did it
make you wonder about your life? Did it touch you spiritually? Do you
think you might want to know Christ even more? I've been a pretty
religious guy on and off, currently on. I do make tons mistakes, and
it's expected. Religion takes time to build. So, if you're think you
can't get to know God, it doesn't matter, because God wants to get to
know you. Sometimes in tough situations you say something like "Oh
God!" or "Help me Lord!", why is it that you're suddenly calling on
him. Here in Iraq, I noticed a lot of people finding God. They keep
hope in their hearts. God finds you! Sometimes in the weirdest places.
You can be reading this and deny it all. When your soldier comes home,
you'll notice a change in them. Some of them will have that change like
they've been touched by an angel. Maybe they did. I've seen it out here
in Iraq several times, when someone I wouldn't expect calling out to
God's name with such passion. "The Passion of Christ", I hear it's a
good movie, but try to think of it more than just a movie, think of it
as a lesson. Think about it!
Holiday
16 Mar 2004
After a whole year in Iraq, you must be wondering....do we ever get a
break??? No! The work is continuous, even when we're done with
everything, they make us sit around waiting for nothing that they claim
is something. Well some of you folks at home have had the pleasure of
your soldier coming home for a few weeks only to have to come back here
to sunny beautiful Balad, Iraq. That is what we call "Leave". The
soldiers get a chance to go home for a two week period, relax, and see
the family. It really helps out, although all the soldiers who have had
the privilege to go on leave claim that they weren't too sure about
coming back. You would say the same if you've been here for a year. I
can't comment on going on leave, because I was never offered that
prize, but I did get to go to Qatar. Qatar is the alternative to going
on a break. Unfortunately, a Qatar trip last for 4-5 days. During this
trip soldiers get the opportunity to go on a water trip, a desert
safari, and going to a nearby shopping center. Along with these
activities, you also have a chance to eat at real restaurants, do some
gift shopping, as well as use it's real toilets. Everyone who's gone on
this enchanted Qatar trip would agree it was worth the experience.
Regardless if you got to go home or went on the rest and relaxation
trip to Qatar, anyone would greatly appreciate a day away from Iraq.
It's obvious that all of us can't hardly wait for the final day when we
all board that plane for a real Holiday, at our home!
Food Fest!
12 Mar 2004
The first day I put on the U.S. Army uniform, almost 5 years ago, a
retired Colomel at Fort Knox, Kentucky told me, "three things motivates
a soldier to keep going". Those three things are: Money, Mail, and
Meals. The money has come and gone, we've gotten lots of mail from our
loved ones, but the meals! We haven't had a decent meal in almost a
year. Of course, the dining facility pulls off a moveable feast like
for Christmas and Thanksgiving, but almost everyday other than the few,
we have no choice but to eat soggy potatoes and stale bread. I've had a
few questions come in about what us, the soldiers, really want. The
answer is food. Months and months we've been craving a good sandwich
and a beer. Don't we deserve at least that??? I took a survey on what
some of the soldiers are really hungry for, here's some of the answers
I got:
"Fish and Chips with a beer to finish it off". -SGT Ayon of the 316th QM co.
"In-n-out, steak house". -SPC Herela of the 316th maintenance
"Seafood, mexican food". -SSG Diaz of the 316th QM co.
"A carne asada burrito". -SPC Cooper of the 316th maintenance
"My Mom's home cooking". -SPC Heng of the 316th QM co.
As you can see we're not only looking to sit down at a nice restaurant
and have some real service. We're also looking forward to some good
home cooking. As far as home cooking, I know most people are looking
forward to their Mother's home cooking. Me it's my sister's cooking,
trust me you can't compare!
So, it's only a suggestion but if you really want to know how to repay
a soldier for his/her efforts during this war. Take him/her out to a
restaurant, cook up something real tasty, offer us a bite to eat. By
doing something so simple as this your country is proud of you for
supporting and maintaining the troops. Wow, my mouth is watering, I
think I'm done here.
Supporting Your Soldiers!
To the Family members of the 316th QM company. This one is mainly for
you. Thank you all for continually supporting our website, we've been
trying our hardest to let you all know we're doing just fine and
looking for new creative ideas to add.
The Soldiers of the 316th have been deployed for 402 days as of march
10th. Walking around the company area I've noticed everyone very
busy cleaning their equipment and getting the last minute details
finished. Everyone use to be anger and bitter. Hatred between the
ranks. The attitudes have changed. Why? The news of us going home for
real this time. After months of digging our heals deep into the sand
storms and dealing with unbareable conditions. Drinking water that use
to become boiling from the sun, sweating through every pore on your
body, having to use the restroom in an uncivilized manner, and not to
mention the awful weather. After all this horror, we are finally going
to get our day. Now the truth is, the attitudes haven't changed because
we're leaving Iraq. The attitudes changed because we are finally going
to see our families, our loved ones! Thanks to the families and your
continued support we kept our hopes up. I asked a number of people what
they will be looking forward to in the next few weeks. Although "going
home" was mentioned several times, "seeing my family" was the number
one answer. Your letters, care packages, and prayers. That's what keeps
a soldier going.
We'll be home soon. I assure all of you, every last soldier misses and thanks you all.
How an old timer in Iraq can tell if you're a new in town.
The 316th have seen it all. After living in Balad since May we never
thought we'd see the day, when we're the old timers on base. Here's how
you can tell if you're a new kid on the block.
1. Your uniform doesn't have any holes, stains, cut, spots, isn't faded, and doesn't have permanent sweat stains.
2. Your boots aren't falling apart, you don't have smudges all over them, and sand...lots of sand inside and out.
3. You stop driving and pull over to take pictures of planes.
4. You complain about the showers. (At least you have showers!)
5. You think that 90 degrees is too hot!
6. You get scared at the sound of an explosion.
7. Everything around you is so loud, if you've been here long enough you should have lost most of you're hearing.
8. You ask directions.
9. You complain about lines that are longer than an hour.
10. You haven't made a list yet. Like this one.
The Ultimate Care Package
We get all kinds of things sent out to us. Care package's actually buys
you 5 minutes of popularity, because everybody wants to know you got.
Here's the most well known items found in care packages.
Beef Jerky- Everybody loves beef jerky. It's a quick and easy treat.
Everyone in the shack has gotten at least 10 packages of beef jerky. So
between 5 people, that's 50 packages. At the moment we have barely over
a hundred soldiers left in the 316th that's still in Iraq. So, 100
soldiers, 10 packages each, let's say each package is 5 ounces. That's
5000 ounces or 312 pounds. That's only one company. There's about 2,500
companies in Iraq. That's a whole outta beef jerky.
Cup-o-Noodle- Yum Yum Good! It's become a gourmet treat out here. Compared to D-Fac food, I'll take a cup-o-noodle any day.
Books- To pass the time away. Nothing keeps you entertained quite like
a book. Like me I've read my first John Grisham book, he has so many
books and finally I read one.
Playing cards- While the packages ket coming in the cards just kept
piling up. We had so many decks of cards, we could have opened our own
casino. There's about two hundred Iraqi children out there with a new
deck of cards, thanks!
Candy- Come on you guys! The Army dentist is worse than a regular
dentist. Stop sending candy! I never thougt I'd get sick of sweets,
then I went to Iraq.
Is there a saying that goes, "Give
a mouse a cookie, something something"? If so, what does it mean? Who
said it? Was it R.W. Emerson or whatever his name is? Why did he/she
say it? I am very confused.
Yes, there is a saying like that. "Give a mouse a cookie, then he'll
probably want a glass of milk. Then he'll be asking for all kinds of
crap." I've been on the hunt for one particular mouse who's been eating
my food and crapping on my shelf. The saying was actually not meant to
become a saying, but was made famous because it made sense. Laura
Numeroff is the author of the children's book called, "If you give a
mouse a cookie". The delightful story is about how if you give a mouse
this cookie, he's going to want some milk, if you're generous enough to
give him that, he'll then want a Game Cube, then a New Car, then a
Bigger House. He keeps asking for more and more. So you have to have a
limit and set the mouse on fire. It's the only way. So Ralph Waldo
Emerson had nothing to do with the saying, he was a writer and doesn't
have too many quotes like the one I have on my profile. So why did
Laura Numeroff say it? Because she wanted to make a book that would
make her a fortune. The book was a hit and the famous saying "Give a
Mouse a Cookie" was later used again, for example, the movie "Air Force
One" with Harrison Ford. So don't be confused, the mouse is just a
metaphor, for a jerk who can't pay for his only food and other things.
So he'll scam off his friends and strangers too. Oh and if you're
reading this, "mouse". The war has only begun, You're going to be mine,
and I'm going to break you!
If you've been around for awhile
on this planet, we would like to call it "earth", you should know who
JrL is. However, I haven't seen him in along time. I miss his witty
humor and love for his fans. He promised me that he would marry me.
When will he come back? --Helpless, 21, California
You're so sweet Helpless. I bet when you were born your Mommy dipped
you in sugar, that's how you became so sweet. Yes, JrL hasn't been able
to strut his stuff, style and profile, and walk the runway. JrL has
been out of commission, JrL does miss his fans, and JrL wants some cool
ice cream. But JrL has a mission. The world needs saving, and since
Hulk Hogan is retired, Arnold is busy being Governor, and Superman is
busy busting out season 3 of Smallville. JrL has to do the job. We at
the World SuperHeroes Federation (WSF) have been trying our best to
maintain world peace. We have to continue fighting the bad guys, and
JrL can't do it without his fans. His people. So, keep the faith, let
JrL know his back is being watched, and he'll be a Raging Bull until
the day comes. And that day is coming. I can't tell you exactly. I'll
make it a surprise just for you, Helpless.
Tell Georgie his big sister is the
bomb and he's the poo. Luv, Nova.
Ok I had to post this one. First because I love Cooper and I like the
fact that he's getting a shout out. Second, because it's not a
question. It's "Ask Jonah", as in a question now a favor. But yes Nova,
I'll gladly do it just this once. Next time I want questions. Got
it?!!?
Hey Jonah....Whatever happened to
that scandal that broke out in Iraq....I'm sitting on the edge of my
seat to hear the results....Please update us, Your Supporters.
Oh Geez, is that all you people ever think about, scandals, sex,
lobsters, and more sex. Some day you're going to try to fly a kite and
you're going to lose that kite to the wind and you'll be sorry you ever
wondered about the scandal in Iraq. Unfortunately, I'm currently not at
liberty to discuss the scandal, any information about it could alter
the results, and I don't want my client who must not be named to lose
this case. I will tell you this. The 316th has been known for it's hard
work and
dedication. If you were ever apart of the company you know that's not
true, it just looks like we know what we're doing. Since the great
commander Daniel Hicks and the selfless service of the now Seageant
Major Quick, who both left the company for bigger and better things.
The 316th has hit some low points. We came here with a good reputation
but the leadership has taken a few hard hits. The truth is, the
leadership skills have been lacking. SFC Graham the former company
Motor Seageant held the maintenance section together and we were
unstoppable. We took a few bad turns out here, after Seageant Gonzalez
left, Chief took charge and maintenance has been stronger than ever
before. The current company commander had big shoes to fill. Still
hasn't proven herself, especially after recent events. And the First
Seageant, he's had his moments, but technically is not a First Seageant
which makes it hard for him to push his weight around. So, for the
protection of my client, I'm sorry but you're going to have to be
patient.
Jonah I am your serial stalker how
do I get a date with you?
Hey sweet, I'm being stalked again. You better not be a guy this time.
Okay this is what you have to do. I need a 500 word essay about why
drugs are bad. I want you to be creative, express yourself and don't be
shy. Then after you've submitted that, you have to complete the
obstacle course. Then comes the Physical Fitness test. You have to
finish at least 50 push-ups in 2 minutes, 60 sit-ups in 2 minutes,
finish a 2 mile run in under 16 minutes. Then comes the hard part. Rock
climbing a 50 feet
wall, and you can only get 3 mess ups or you fail. Pull ups, you need
to finish 10 without letting go. The rope climb. The tree chop. Next,
you have to put together a show with three solo acts. You may
choose whichever songs you like. Put together a performance, so you
don't just have to stand around, movement and jazz hands is what I want
to see. After you finish that, I'll give you a list of possible
questions I'll be asking you. Out of those questions, I'll be asking
you 10 questions, and you can only miss one. Then you have to take a
profile picture shot, and why you would want to go on a date with me.
Here's some hints on what I prefer. I like intelligent, sweet, and
interesting girls. I love to cuddle. I love roses, giving and
receiving. Eyes and smiles attract me, if you're too into yourself
don't even bother, I hate arrogance and I don't like onions. Good Luck!
Where does magical sand come from?
Are the showers magical because they make certain...."things"
disappear?
Due to the international copyright immunition, I do not wish to tell
you, for you see, I'll lose money and my customers. I don't need
competition. And duh, of course the showers are magical it says so on
the outside. I sprinkled it with magic sand months ago. Trying to make
sure we wouldn't lose any of the short people in our company.
Unfortunately, we have been losing a lot of our belongings there, but
that's only because you guys leave it there. So far I've heard we've
lost: shirts, shorts, towels, ducks, dog tags, circus ants, lobsters,
desks, dictionaries, and underwear. So beware, because this magic sand
comes without instructions, use sparringly.
What are you wearing? asked by
Michael.
I towel and some socks.
If
someone sends you a question that is stupid, like this one, will you
post it? And if you don't post it, how will I know the answer?
No, I will not post it. But obviously I just did. I've posted every
single question that has been asked so far, except the one about the
foursome. That's too rated X for this rated R website. Yeah, I'll post
it, just as so. That way you will always know.