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Ask Scully!
This is where you get an answer to all your questions about me, Shturmie, The X-Files or pretty much anything! If you would like to ask something, email me here.
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Q. "Agent Scully, why don't we see more of the Alien Bounty Hunter? It's been ages!" - ABHHBA (email supplied) :75
A. How the f**K should I know? Ask him! I don't drive his f**king spaceship, for chrissakes! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I desperately need your advice. Since this administration took office I've been rapidly approaching the end of my tether. With the many difficult financial issues facing us in today's economic climate, the only thing I ever hear from the Whitehouse on this matter is "oil, oil, oil"! I'm getting sick of it! Sick of it, do you hear? Please, Agent Scully, please help me to formulate a coherent fiscal policy! Also, do you like Blink 182? They rock!" - A. Greenspan (email supplied) :74
A. Calm down, Al! Remember last month when you went on that rampage with a butcher's knife during the meeting of the House Financial Services Committee? Remember how long it took for the affects of the stun gun to wear off? We don't want that happening again, now, do we? OK, the key factor driving the cumulative upward revisions in the budget picture in recent years has been the extraordinary pickup in the growth of labor productivity experienced in this country since the mid-1990s. Between the early 1970s and 1995, output per hour in the nonfarm business sector rose about 1-1/2 percent per year, on average. Since 1995, however, productivity growth has accelerated markedly, about doubling the earlier pace, even after one takes account of the impetus from cyclical forces. Though hardly definitive, the apparent sustained strength in measured productivity in the face of a pronounced slowing in the growth of aggregate demand during the second half of last year was an important test of the extent of the improvement in structural productivity. These most recent indications have added to the accumulating evidence that the apparent increases in the growth of output per hour are more than transitory. In conclusion, Al, buddy, I suggest you transfer $380,000,000,000 to an account in the Cayman Islands of my choice. Once that is done, everything will be totally groovy. OK? And yeah, Blink 182 are ultra funky! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, would you ever be willing to call a truce between yourself and Agent That Guy? It would mean a lot to many of your fans. Afterall, a lot of us are his fans too! It makes us really sad to see you say some of the things you've said about him here. Please don't hate him! Please, just for us? Pretty please? Go on, you know you want to! ;-)" - proudFM fan! (email supplied) :73
A. I don't hate him, I just think he's a total loser, therefore any fan of his must be a total loser also. Sigh. See, I think guys like Eddie Van Blundht or Gerry Schnauz or Krycek are losers too, but I don't hate them either. It's just that their stupidity mystifies me and their uselessness is horrifying. Tell you what: if you don't mention That Guy (or the M-word, unless you want a visit from Mr. Bat) then neither will I. If you've nothing nice to say about somebody, then don't say anything about them at all. However, this arrangement doesn't apply to anybody else. I'm going to badmouth the living shit out of everybody else. Fair enough? It'll have to be or Mr. Bat will be around there to pound your head flat as a pancake before you can even say "Agent Muld - AAAAIIIEEEE!". Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what do you say to the fans who want to see the show back the way it was and people like JD and MR killed off or something?" - XFBitch (email supplied) :72
A. Wha...? "The show"? "The way it was"? WTF? OK, so Reyes is kind of a vapid waste of space, but she does her job. Sort of. But JD rocks! After being stuck with That Guy for so long, well, talk about your regular breath-of-fresh-air! He's a tough, sensible, no-time-for-bullshit guy, and that's why I'll shoot a hole through the f**king head of anybody who tries any shit! I don't need to be lumbered with That Guy again...Thanks for your question!
Q. "Um, so what you're saying is that you've never even heard of Shippers and Noromos? I think you should do some research very quickly!" - diefowleydie (email supplied) :71
A. And I think you should go soak your f**king head! Of course I've heard of shippers! How the f**k do you think I moved my stuff to Shturmie's place 10 zillion miles away: magic f**king carpet? As for "Noromos", that's an anagram of "O Morons"! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, have you and Shturmovik[KGB] discussed whether you want your next child to be a boy or girl? Have you considered names for your next baby yet?" - windlight (email supplied) :70
A. Yes, and we've decided to just let nature take its course. As for names, we're considering Deathbitch if it's a girl and Shturmovik[KGB] Jr. if it's another boy. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, do you ever visit the Shipper message boards?" - diefowleydie (email supplied) :69
A. The what? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how does it feel to be a sex-symbol to so many people?" - Fox_Scully (email supplied) :68
A. Erm, to whom and how many? I know that you aren't referring to Shturmie, as he respects me 100% as a woman and a lethal killing machine. Do you mean the Lone Gunmen? They're sweet. Pathetic, but sweet. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, whatever happened to that guy McGrath? What about S.C. Blevin's assistant? Was that him who shot Blevins? I've slowmo'd through that scene many times but can't make up my mind" - Larissa.Lujnevic (email supplied) :67
A. How do you know about these people? You guys are supposed to be living your lives in total ignorance. This is unsettling! Hmmm. As far as I know, Mr McGrath is still running his charter fishing service in Baja. He had a nervous breakdown trying to decipher the cryptic aphorisms of Deep Throat (only Deep Throat could create a cryptic aphorism) and was honorably retired. That and because nobody could stand him any longer. I have no idea what you mean by "that scene" but I'm forbidden any discussion of S.C. Blevins' assistant nor any of his actions. So there. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I don't approve of firearms and I think it's irresponsible and inappropriate of you to be discussing them here, let-alone recommending them to anybody. We're not all law-enforcement officers and I think maybe you should confine discussions of such weapons to a more appropriate forum" - anotheruptitebitch (email supplied) :66
A. Hey, I agree with you in spirit! I think we should totally ditch the Second Amendment! That way only people like me could carry guns and then you could never fight back and we'd rule the World! BWARHARHARHARHARHARAR! Sigh. Unfortunately, all those flakes from the ACLU and the NRA keep blocking our moves to have it repealed and so you have the right to bear arms. At least it gives us even more excuses for doing the things we did at places like Waco and Ruby Ridge! Every cloud has a silver lining, yada yada yada. If you'd really like to help us, buy a cheap handgun from your nearest sporting goods or hardware store, then go and systematically murder everybody in your local Militia. That way you'd be doing our dirty work for us and we get to shoot you and we can add your case to our growing list of reasons why we should repeal that amendment and confiscate all weapons and lockup their owners! Go on, be a pal! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hey Agent Scully, what's up with your brothers?" - A. Markham (email supplied) :65
A. Huh? What? All I can say is that Charles might as well be dead and Bill Jr. is a big fat arrogant pig. Typical Navy. Not that my dad was or anything. The only good thing about them is that a) Bill hates That Guy and b) I haven't had to send Charles so much as a card for as long as I can remember. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hi Agent Scully! Of the Elders, Syndicate guys, whatever they're called, which ones do you like least and most?" - Dione (email supplied) :64
A. They're all vaguely unpleasant and for some reason smell like mothballs. I think the Red Haired Man is not too bad, he has a nice dry sense of humor and is as hard as nails. Kind of reminds me of Agent Doggett. The Well Manicured Man is just another irritating Brit. Ugh! The Fat Man grosses me out like you wouldn't believe! The Grey Haired Man is Mr Personality Minus! God, my wallpaper is more interesting than him! Deep Throat is infuriating! Sometimes he's a sweetie and other times I just want to cut him up with a chainsaw. X could be so hot, if he wasn't such an arrogant dumbass! The Cancer Man is, well, I don't know really. He is what he is. I detest smokers. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what restrictions does the FBI place on your choice of outfits? You always look fantastic and I've seen you in all sorts of colors, but how far are you allowed to go?" - clotheshorse2 (email supplied) :63
A. They are a bunch of anal-retentive scuzballs when it comes to clothes. Unless I'm masquerading as a hooker or similar, either on an operation or when role-playing at home, I'm bound by protocol to keep it professional and dull. Luckily, as you pointed out, I can make just about anything look good. Sometimes I like to "push the envelope" just to watch Skinner's face turn purple. Ever noticed how the veins stick out on his forehead a lot? Makes me laugh. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully who is this Shturmovik[KGB] guy and where is Fox Mulder? I have to say that this is the weirdest site devoted to The X-Files that I've ever seen!" - illiteratebum (email supplied) :62
A. Our nation is surely in dire straits when somebody who accesses the internet - who even knows what the internet is - can't even read. I'll spell it out: Shturmie is my life-partner, the greatest guy in history and a really top-notch lay. He's also the father of our baby. For more info, go to the My Bio! page and then see if you can find a grown up to read the contents to you. You're also about to be introduced to Mr. Bat for mentioning that stupid name. It's 'That Guy', not the one you said. Moron. And right now That Guy is probably making a mess of his apartment while watching his videotape collection. Do you mean to tell me there are other sites about The X-Files project? That's the internet for you! Impossible to keep anything secret. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hi Agent Scully! I'm trying to decide which handgun is best for me. Should I even consider a revolver? I must admit I like the idea of a really huge .44 Magnum, but the semi-auto pistols have the advantage of large capacity clips and magazines and are so much easier to load. I'd really prefer something small and discreet that won't clash with my wardrobe. As a small-town librarian, I seldom wear anything flashy - you know how it is." - Gertrude.M (email supplied) :61
A. You work in a library and can't find an answer to this question...? Sigh. It may be a good idea to avoid either hand cannons or mouse-guns. An intermediate caliber such as 380, 9mm, .40 or .45 for pistols or .38/.357 for revolvers would insure that ammunition is readily available and inexpensive. Keep in mind that larger handguns often kick less than small ones, in part because of their greater mass, in part because the locked breech mechanism dampens recoil effecitvely. Most small pistols use straight blowback (the slide held in place by only inertia and a recoil spring): for the same caliber, such guns would recoil harder and be more difficult to load. As for discreet, I'd recommend the The SIG Sauer P230/P232 (or any of the SIG range for that matter). It's smallish and compact yet packs a punch. In conclusion, from experience, I'd say definitely go for the semis: anything you might lose in accuracy (not much) you more than make up for with the ability to pump round after round after round into your target. Oh, the sheer joy of seeing that scumbag's body torn apart by high velocity ammo and knowing that you don't have to stop anytime soon! Even when you run dry, just hit the button, ditch the empty mag and slap home a full clip and away you go! Whatever you decide, I'm looking forward to meeting up with you someplace - I've had such a great time blasting people I've found walking the streets with concealed firearms! Sometimes my job is almost worth the effort. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, if you were ever asked to choose the actor to portray you on screen, who would it be? What about the rest?" - luvmeluvu (email supplied) :60
A. Uh, you mean if somebody else asked me? Well, it could only be my Good Friend Gillian Anderson. People say there's a likeness, but we don't see it. Just the same, she's such a wonderful actor, I know she could do it well. Hell, she might even play me better than I really am! The rest of what? You mean my friends and colleagues, etc? Well, I don't know. Nobody could portray Shturmie. There's never been any other human throughout all history who was even remotely as gorgeous and hunky and funny and intelligent as he is. God knows, there's certainly nobody now! I'd pick Woody Allen to play That Guy, but he'd definitely turn down the role. Wouldn't you? Talk about career suicide! I'll think about the others. Maybe. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, who do you prefer: Agent That Guy, Duane Barry, Donnie Pfaster or Eugene Victor Tooms?" - Toni B. (email supplied) :59
A. Boy, you sure know how to ask 'em! I loved Donnie Pfaster's fashion flair, Eugene Tooms was kind of cute in a bizarre-silent-type way, but I'd have to say I admired Duane Barry's intensity and passion! That Guy isn't even in the running. Thanks for your question!
Q. "You go girl! I hope you and Shturmie have a nice time! ;-)" - uknowhoo (email supplied) :58
A. Thanks! And we did! Man, am I ever hungry! Shturmie is cooking me up some Lasagna and spinach right now. I can't wait! I'm going to need all my energy and strength for later...Thanks for your question!
Q. "This is a message for the real Agent Scully: why do you let this creepy jerk get away with the garbage he's writing? It's obvious that he has no life and is feeble-minded but surely that's no excuse for his disrespectful and offensive behavior! Doesn't he know that he is probably in breach of the law? We true fans have NOT been fooled into thinking that the questions below actually come from real people. Unlike Shturmodick, we aren't imbeciles. Our sophistication would leave him floundering in the mire of his own ignorance. He has no fans of his own and never will! Has he ever met Gillian, David, Chris or any of the other wonderful people involved in the making of The X-Files? We think not. Has he ever corresponded with any of those people, sharing ideas and bonds of respect and friendship? Alas not but we have. We are the fans that this show depends upon, and we aren't happy with Shturmodick. Please, Agent Scully (the real one), please come forward and put a stop to this! We, your loyal and true fans who have been with you and Agent Mulder since the beginning, fans who are more aware and knowledgable about the show than newbie-sleazoids like Shturmodick can ever be, we implore you to step from the shadows and scrape this dung from off of your shoe! Or make FOX Broadcasting or Ten Thirteen Productions do it" - abunchofretards (IP logged) :57
A. Hmmm. An FBI Agent in breach of the law. That'd be a first! Do you guys wear your haloes in bed or do you hang them in the closet before you go to sleep? Do the soles of your feet get wet when you walk on water? Next time you raise the dead, would you mind keeping an eye peeled for Melissa or my Dad? Where were you guys when I was battling cancer? I sure could have stood being cured miraculously then! Or maybe you aren't quite the wonderfans you think you are. For fans, you sure do bitch a lot. Oh, and btw, I've actually used that nickname for Shturmie myself, but not for the reasons you did. I can tell you, you have no idea how apt it is! And to finish off, I'd just like to say this: if you knew what GA, DD, CC et al really thought and said about "sophisticated, aware and respected" fans like you - well, suffice to say you wouldn't be fans anymore, and I wouldn't be the one getting this hate mail. Well, anyway, I'm going to go f**k Shturmodik's brains out now. I'll scream his name out a couple of times for you guys. OK? Oh, and look out for Mr. Bat...Thanks for your question! - The Real Agent Scully.
Q. "Agent Scully! I have a question and I can't believe no one else has asked it here yet! How do you like being a mommy?" - Super-Alien Human Hunter (email supplied) :56
A. It's great of course! To hold the end product of our love, well, let's just say that Shturmie looks his least tough when he's with the baby. He still looks tougher than anybody else in the Cosmos, of course; he just doesn't look as tough as he normally does. OK? Don't read anything into that or you'll be getting a visit from Mr. Bat too. Anyhoo, Shturmie is a wonderful father! William adores him! It hasn't been as difficult for me to cope with as it might have been for him, since I've been dragging an infant around with me all this time at work. The snivelling and ass-wiping isn't new to me, so I'm OK with it, though it's less unpleasant when it's William. Shturmie and I can't wait to have more kids! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, regarding your attitude towards Mulder, is it possible that you're actually living in denial?" - dsluvsfm (email supplied) :55
A. No, I live in an apartment in Georgetown. Because you've mentioned that name, you can expect a visit from Mr. Bat tonight, you pervert. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Greetings Agent Scully! Of all the icky things you've encountered or been done to you during your time on The X-Files, which was the worst?" - P. Barnett (email supplied) :54
A. Hmm, man, that's a tough one. So many times. Hmmm. I'd have to say it was the time That Guy committed a brutal sexual assault on me in the waiting room of a psychiatric hospital on New Years 2000. Don't worry, I fought him off, and later that night I sent some guys over to his place and they crushed his nuts with a hammer. He got off quite lightly, considering the fact that that wasn't the first time he'd tried it. Once, I took a wrong turn and somehow ended up in his apartment building hallway and he tried that shit on me there too. Luckily for him, I was stung by a killer bee and the paramedics intervened before I could shoot him in the face. There have been unpleasant moments, but those were the most traumatic. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hi Scully! It's so great that you've opened up to us and let us discuss life with you! I have to say that I've wanted to do this ever since I first saw the pilot episode of The X-Files. Gosh, you looked so young and cute in that and so did Mulder! Ohhh, I nearly fell off my couch when I saw him! It was just so obvious that you two were meant for each other! I hope you reply soon!" - anniepetro (email supplied) :53
A. That's it! The next person who tells me that I'm meant for this f**king "Mulder" figment of their imagination is going to get their f**king brains smashed in with a bat, I swear to God! I mean it! Just shut the f**k up about that crap! And this is the Ask Scully! page, not the Drone On Endlessly About Some Stupid Loser Romance That's Never Going To Happen Ever In A Million F**king Years! page. Ask me some questions, for Chrissakes! And make them good ones, not stupid goddam ones or I'll smash your f**king brains in for that too. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what's with the attitude problem? We all love you so much yet you are treating us like scum! It's not exactly encouraging us to visit this site. How can we help? We really want to!" - Lean_On_Me (email supplied) :52
A. 1) I am what I am, 2) You are scum, 3) You think I want you here? 4) I don't need your help 5) May I lean this five ton concrete slab on you? Yes? Oh, thank you ever so much! I've been wondering where to put it. Thanks for your question!
Q. "If you could have any job in the world you wanted, what would it be?" - Cara Manley (email supplied) :51
A. What, you think that I want to work? You don't think that I'd prefer to be lying on the sun-lounger of a super-yacht somewhere in the Caribbean or South Pacific? That's why you hate your minimum-wage job, you corporate slave-drone, you have no brains, and no future either! Sheesh. The best you could hope for might be Chris Carter's or Frank Spotnitz's job. They do nothing and get huge piles of cash for doing it. They live in solid gold houses, and all their doorknobs are diamonds and emeralds and shit. Their Ferraris aren't painted red: they're that color because they've been carved from giant rubies by the descendants of the Nazi's slave camp workers who've been secretly held in captivity by all the studios since the war. On the rare occasions when they are glimpsed by outsiders, the PR flacks tell everybody that they are just writers. Neither Carter nor Spotnitz have a conscience but man, those boys sure have it good! The problem is they have to live in Los Angeles...! Thanks for your question!
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Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Ask Scully!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and because lots of you guys obviously never finished 4th grade. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if you are saying really sucky things about me or Shturmie. See how nice I am?
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