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Ask Scully!
This is where you get an answer to all your questions about me, Shturmie, The X-Files or pretty much anything! If you would like to ask something, email me here.
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Q. "Agent Scully, will we be seeing more of Agent That Guy later? It's always Doggett and Reyes, and even you are hardly ever around anymore! Bring back That Guy!" - mulder4me (email supplied) :150
A. Bring back Mr. Bat! Oh, wait, he never left. Fine. Expect a visit from my Copperhead friend tonight. Anyway, That Guy and Diana Fowley are very busy with their wedding plans, which means I don't have to put up with him anywhere near as much as I had to. Tell me that's not a good thing. You're right, I don't spend a lot of time at work now, since Shturmie and William keep me very busy and I know I can rely on John and his girlf- erm, partner - Monica to take care of business. Now shuttup and die. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I'm thinking about moving to L.A. to pursue my dream of an acting career in Hollywood. I think maybe the best way to do this would be if I emulated the lifestyle of your friend, Gillian Anderson. First up, I need to know where I should live. Do you have her address?" - starsinmyi (email supplied) :149
A. Sure! I won't tell you her actual street address, for the obvious reasons, but what you need to do is find yourself a nice apartment in someplace nice, such as Oakwood, Lennox or maybe Wilmington. Once you've done that, give me a call and I'll tell you what to do after that. Oh, and don't forget to take body armor and a large caliber weapon or two. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how is your Irish Aunt Olive?" - t.mcgill (email supplied) :148
A. I don't know, she's always off in some bar someplace. At least she's safe from the likes of Eugene Tooms. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, I have the kids staying with me this weekend and I want to make popcorn, but there's this really awful gunge at the bottom of the machine and I don't know the best way to get it out? Can you help me?" - deke_larson (email supplied) :147
A. Have you never heard of the consumer society? What about the disposable society? Throw the f**king thing away and buy a new one! They must be all of $34.95 at K-Mart for f**k's sake! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, gee, if you're going to insult Australians, why don't you at least know what you're talking about? David boon - most Australians don't even know who he is! Try Shane Warne, Mark Waugh... but cricket sucks anyway! At least make fun of John Howard! It would be all worth it then..." - Lara Campbell (email suppled) :146
A. Hey, I was winging
it, OK? I mean, gimme a f**king break! Who the hell knows anything about Australia?
And just what the hell is cricket anyhow? I thought they were those little
black bugs that go "cheep cheep cheep" outside your bedroom window
at night. And who is this John Howard guy? Or is it some kind of Aussie cut-price
hotel chain? Actually, who cares? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how do you cope with PMS? Your poise is legendary and I'd love to know your secret!" - pipermscully (email supplied): 145
A. What cope? I just scream at Agent That Guy! I have to say one thing for the guy, he sure can move, especially when there's a three pound office stapler headed straight for his face! It's great really, because after I've done that, I go home to Shturmie in a cuddly mood. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how do you manage to find the time to do all your work and raise a son and maintain this website? You must be exhausted!" - DomeGirl (email supplied) :144
A. Were it not for my Shturmikins helping out so much, I would be exhausted. Luckily for me, he's a New Age guy. BWARHARHARHARHAR...! Who am I kidding? Shturmie, a New Age guy? Nah! Actually, he exhausts me more than any amount of work, if you know what I'm saying, but it's worth it! Like the best gym workout you ever had combined with a permanent orgasmic overload. What a man...! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, do you ever investigate the matter of all the clones on The X-Files? I mean like how Police Chief Jack Bonsaint of Amma Beach, MA in the Chinga case looks exactly like Sherriff John Oakes of NH in the Die Hand Die Verletzt case, and he looked identical to Detective Manners of Klass County, WA in the Jose Chung's From Outer Space case! There have been other similar occurrences, including one involving Alex Ratboy Krycek. How do you explain these anomalies?" - Fox_Scully (email supplied)
A. Hey, you know, small town America. They have different customs and traditions regarding familial relations, you know what I'm saying? Hell, you look like your daddy was your uncle, but no judgements here. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I'd just like to say that part of what you said in the Ask Scully! letter from an Australian was true - There are a hell of a lot of Australian X-philes out there. So could you please not go insulting us like that? Especially when it's totally ridiculous. Australia is not the land of dumbass people. We leave that up to the Texans in America. :P" - Lara Campbell (email supplied) :142
A. Can somebody please explain to me how Aussies can be offended by anything? That would be like Osama bin Laden being disappointed by an unflattering portrait of himself in Soldier Of Fortune magazine, or Ivana Trump getting upset because she never won a Nobel prize for her groundbreaking work in Particle Physics, for Chrissakes! 'Australian' is an anagram of 'Beer-Swilling Uncultured Pigs Who Let Their Butt Cracks Show When At The Melbourne Cricket Ground And Who Worship A Moron Like David Boon'. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, how many people have you killed?" - LovebaBee (email supplied) :141
A. Including that fire at the old folks home? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what size bra do you wear?" - Xena_Girl (email supplied) :140
A. I don't, usually. I just get Shturmie to hold my breasts for me. They fit into his huge hands nicely. Not that I need him to, mind, as they're very perky; it's just that I love the sensations I get when he gently caresses my nipples. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, when will Chris Carter wake up and listen to the 'philes? He keeps trying to tempt us with lies and deceit but all he ever gives us is broken promises and crap!" - disillusioned (email supplied) : 139
A. Wow! That Chris guy sounds like maybe he ought to join the Syndicate! He could call himself The Silver Haired Man or something! To be honest, I'm surprised he even wastes any time trying to fool you people. I thought he'd be too busy counting his money. I wonder if he does that Scrooge McDuck thing, and dives into huge piles of cash in a giant vault someplace. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, when will the second The X-Files movie be released and what will it be called?" - ftfruled (email supplied) :138
A. There was a first movie about The X-Files project? Why am I never told about these things! Maybe it was that production which Gillian refuses to discuss. Oh well. If somebody ever does make another one, I hope that Gillian portrays me and Rick Moranis plays Agent That Guy. They could call it The X-Files: Fight The Fans. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what is this thing with Diana Fowley? You have a webpage for her yet she is a total bitch! Why do you tolerate 'The Foul One'?" - girlygirl (email supplied) :137
A. What thing? Sure, she's a sleazy cow, but she keeps Agent That Guy out of my hair. He's besotted with her, and they spend every minute together. They are expecting Shturmie and me to attend their wedding! What a laugh...! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, your baby is so beautiful! Do you have any photos?" - nancy_malick (email supplied) :136
A. Yes. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, who does your hair?" - shipyphile344 (email supplied) : 135
A. X. He used to be a hair-care technician before The Well Manicured Man made him an offer he couldn't refuse. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, in The List case, how did it feel to be inside a penitentiary full of creepy guys who hadn't had sex with a woman for a long time?" - j_smith22 (email supplied) :134
A. It was kind of like that one time I accidentally wandered into a Star Trek convention, only the guys in that jail weren't all virgins. Actually, I have to say that Agent That Guy appeared to enjoy being there. He kept muttering something about calling Alex Krycek for some reason. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, if I sent you some of my fanfiction, would you pass it along for me? I'm sure TPTB would love it and it will make The X-Files good again!" noromo_bastard (email supplied) :133
A. I would, only I live in a place called Realityland, and pathetic losers and their stuff aren't allowed in here. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, who do you prefer, A.D. Skinner or Kersh?" - just_me (email supplied) : 132
A. I have wallpaper with more personality than Skinner, and Kersh is like a spoilt little boy. They both suck, really. I guess if I had to choose, I'd go with Skinner. He's much easier to manipulate than Kersh, and he has a better ass. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, my wife spends all her time talking about the MSR and nothing else! It's driving me crazy! It's so embarrassing - whenever we go to parties or have friends over for dinner, it's all she ever talks about and it makes our friends and acquaintances uncomfortable. What can I do to bring her back to reality?" - Doug_B (email supplied) :131
A. Sorry, it's too late. She's obviously insane. Just divorce the sick bitch. Do you live in Texas? If so, you might be able to get her executed. Thanks for your question!
A. "Agent Scully, do you think Marita Covarrubias is hot?" - shippyphile55 (email supplied) :130
Q. She's a total babe! The only thing that keeps me straight when I'm around her is Shturmie! He could keep Ellen DeGeneres straight...! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, you know how you ate that insect in Humbug? What was it like?" - P.Williams (email supplied) :129
A. Crunchy. And nowhere near as nice as Shturmie. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how did you feel when you delivered that baby in the Agua Mala case?" - asappyfool (email supplied) :128
A. Very slimy, and the smell was gross. It's no wonder guys hate being there. Shturmie wanted to be present for the birth of William, but he was busy getting drunk with The Guys at the time. They had quite a party. Thankfully, they made the strippers clean the place up before I came home. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, the harvester just rolled on me and I can't feel my legs! What should I do?" - farmerjohn (email supplied) :127
A. Take your hand off of that other thing and try again. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, have you ever heard of Jon Stewart?" - wondering (email supplied) : 126
A. That guy from The Daily Show and The Larry Sanders Show? Man, he's brilliant! So funny. I suspect he's gay, though. Thanks for your question!
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Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Ask Scully!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and because lots of you guys obviously never finished 4th grade. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if you are saying really sucky things about me or Shturmie. See how nice I am?
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