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Ask Scully!
This is where you get an answer to all your questions about me, Shturmie, The X-Files or pretty much anything! If you would like to ask something, email me here.
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Q. "Dear Agent Scully, you and Agent That Guy had to pretend to be husband and wife while investigating the disappearance of several couples from 'The Falls at Arcadia' planned-housing community. We know what the best part of this assignment was (ohhh - to play house with That Guy...ohhh...you were so lucky!) but what was the worst thing, besides the Tulpa?" - Redemption2000 (email supplied) :100
A. You know, you are so lucky! Because you've asked question number 100, Shturmie has convinced me not to send Mr. Bat around to your place tonight. You owe him bigtime! Anyhoo, The worst part was, of course, having to "play house" with That Guy. You don't seem to be aware of his terrible B.O. problem, and as for those noises coming from the living room while I tried to sleep - UGH! And you want me to be romantically involved with him? You guys are so nuts - I'd rather have slept with the f**king garbage monster! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I've always wanted to know two things. First: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers; a peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked; if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Second: how many pickled peppers are in a peck and just what the f**k is a peck anyhow?" - M.Goose (email supplied) :99
A. The pickled peppers are currently rotting in the lockup of the Allentown, PA police department, where Peter Piper was picked up on several gross-indecency charges involving two prostitutes and an electric floor-polisher. His case is due to go to trial in March, however he was bailed by the Pennsylvania Pizzaria-Owners Association who desperately needed the pickled peppers for a Shriners convention the weekend of his arrest. As you can see, they never got them and Piper hasn't been seen since. Regarding your second question, a peck is a unit of capacity in the U.S. Customary and British Imperial systems of measurement. In the United States the peck is used only for dry measure and is equal to 8 dry quarts, or 537.6 cubic inches (8.810 liters). In Great Britain the peck may be used for either liquid or dry measure and is equal to 8 imperial quarts (2 imperial gallons), or 554.84 cubic inches (9.092 liters). The peck has been in use since the early 14th century, when it was introduced as a measure for flour. The term referred to varying quantities, however, until the modern units were defined in the 19th century. Now, even though we know he picked the pickled peppers after this time period, unfortunately, according to the aforementioned measure, the number of peppers he picked can only be determined if we know the cubic volume (ie the dimensions) of each pepper, in order that we may calculate how many peppers would fill 537.6 cubic inches (8.810 liters). Clearly, this will be a difficult task. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, when you were diagnosed with terminal cancer, what were your first thoughts? Did you think of anything in particular that you really wanted to do while you still had time?" - gillianduchovny99 (email supplied) :98
A. My first thought when the doctor gave me his diagnosis was "ugh, why won't this guy trim his f**king nose-hairs?". As for last wishes, etc, I decided to set new world records for most amount of sex (with Shturmie, of course) and most number of nose-hairs wrenched out in one go. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I'm originally from another Western nation where the police don't normally carry firearms, but I have to say that I am regularly amazed by the restraint and politeness of the law enforcement officers in the United States, especially when compared to the police from my country. Even when they have the opportunity to use vast amounts of force, they often don't. Do you believe this to be a result of police training here or is it due to the friendly and courteous nature of most Americans?" - a.visitor (email supplied) :97
A. Hah! You've never seen the BATF in action, obviously! Personally, I think our 'restraint and politeness' is a weakness! Come Out Blasting, that's my motto! However, I guess it could be because we're so nice, you dirty stinking foreigner! F**k off back to your own f**king country and stop stealing our f**king jobs! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I have to say that you are the most gorgeous person and have the most wonderful hair, and I've loved all of the different styles you have worn throughout the years, but do you have an all-time favorite?" - folliculeefollicular (email supplied) :96
A. I could shave my head and still look better than anybody else. Hell, I could dissolve my head in an acid bath and dump a two year old Jack o' Lantern on my shoulders and still look better than anybody else. Not that I'm vain, understand. But I'd have to say that I really liked them all, actually. Except maybe the one I had when I first joined The X-Files project. God, what was I thinking? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how many times do you think you've said 'Oh my God!' on The X-Files?" - KatieAngel (email supplied) :95
A. Oh my God, I have no idea! Now that you mention it, it must have been, oh my God, many, many times! Oh my God, that's amazing! Really amazing! Oh my God...! Thanks for your question!
Q."To the asshole responsible for this soon to be shut down site, you have no idea what's going to happen to you. We told you that you would not get away with the garbage you have been putting here but you didn't believe us so now you'll be paying for it soon! Do you really think that you can abuse the cast and crew of The X-Files or the wonderful characters they have created and get away with it? We have the influence to stamp out your crappy little loser fantasy site because we treat the producers of the show with the respect they have earned and we are shown the same respect in return. You had your chance." - iluvkiddiepr0n (IP logged) :94
A. BWARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR...! Shturmovik[KGB] here. My beautiful baby Scully is letting me field this one as she's laughing too hard to type. So, now, don't tell me, let me guess - you must be the group of Concerned XF Citizens who emailed FOX, right? BWARHARHARHARHARHARHARHARHAR...! OK, let me get this straight: you criticize us for gently teasing Ten Thirteen et al, while you post your little messages at your little messageboards, accusing these very same people of being at least as bad as us in all sorts of ways and demanding - demanding - that they make the show the way you want it to be made? And you want us to believe that they respect you? Now who's living in fantasyland...? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I can't find my keys anyplace and I'm late for my audition! Where the heck are they?" - duhuh (email supplied) :93
A. You left them on the big table by the window in the resident's lounge of the L.A. County Psychiatric Hospital. Wait until you snap-back into reality momentarily and not only will you realise that you haven't lost them, you'll remember that you don't actually have any keys. They take all metallic and sharp objects from you when you're admitted. Remember yet? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, back in the day, before you met Shturmie and were forced to spend night and day with the dickless wonder (i.e. That Guy), what brand of vibrator did you use? I'm on the market, and, well, quite frankly, a bit overwhelmed by the choices. Would you recommend the model with the clit stimulator or the one with the anal plug? Is two-headed simply too-much? Does size matter? Don't answer that. Shturmie's smart and cute and all, but we all know, or at least we surmise, that the size of his wave is adequate for hanging ten. Now, back to my dildo. Obviously, it should be longer than my pinky and wider than a hothouse cucumber, but what color should it be? Neon green? Candy-apple red? Fleshy? Inquiring minds, and other body parts, want to know." - aloneasever (email supplied) :92
A. Actually, I used to give these questions a lot of thought. Then, when I was around 8-years-old, I met Shturmie and never had to think about such things ever again. Back in those pre-Shturmie-in-my-life-and-other-places days, the range of "self-loving utilities" was rather smaller, or at least a lot less technologically sophisticated! Not like now! Talk about your "Silicon Valley"...! Anyway, no matter what most women tell their pathetic and neurotic men, size most definitely does matter! We all know that, right? God, I'm so glad I haven't ever had to comfort some anxious, under-endowed loser with empty bullshit about "technique" or "romance". Let's face it, we want a good hard ramming by a big huge guy. Simple as that. F**k the technique. Thank Shturmie for Shturmie, I say! But anyway, I'm not particularly into the backdoor stuff: the tradesman's entrance is for riff-raff. But different strokes and all that. A flourescent one is useful for when you need to find it in the dark after your useless boyfriend has rolled over and finally gone to sleep. Test them for noise levels first though. Hard, soft, wiggly, whatever gets you off. Good luck! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, was Dr. Alvin Kurtzweil in the trunk of the Well Manicured Man's Limo? If not, will we hear from him again in the future?" - curiousgeorge (email supplied) :91
A. Wait right there! I'm sending a guy round to your place with a crystal ball. Make sure you have the room illuminated only by candlelight and please burn some incense. That way when he smashes the ball over your f**king head it'll look much cooler! How the f**k would I know if we're going to see some guy again? I've never even met him! Was there a spare tire in the trunk of that car? Maybe there was an old driveshaft from a '76 Dodge in there? Do you know? Do you know if you're ever again going to see that one teacher you had a crush on back in '83? Will your car start first time in the morning? Is your department manager going to try and feel you up at the office Christmas party after you've drunk six Dacquiri's and thrown up in the CEO's trash can? F**K knows...? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, when will we see more of The Lone Gunmen? They hardly ever seem to be around any more." - frohike4me! (email supplied) :90
A. Who knows? Who cares? They're geeks! I've had more fun with German Measles. Byers' suits smell terrible, Frohike is a f**king pervert and Langley looks like a girl! They couldn't even get in to a Star Trek convention and that's f**king saying something! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, do you ever let us fans call by for a coffee and chat? I'd love to come visit you, Shturmovik[KGB] and Gillian Anderson and get your autographs!" - brain.dead (email supplied) :89
A. Ha! Haha! Hahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...! As IF! I don't need you weirdos in here, messing up my apartment and going through my bathroom cabinets! Get the f**k outta here...! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how many X-Files cases have you worked on now?" - cromagnum (email supplied) :88
A. Oh, jeez, must be hundreds! After a while they all seem the same. Chase an alien here, kill a psycho there, foil an international conspiracy once again, yada yada yada. Even the travel gets kind of boring after a while, although I have to say that Antarctica was interesting! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, don't you feel that as a qualified medical doctor you should not be shooting people and such? Doesn't the Hippocratic Oath forbid you from harming others? Does it ever weigh on your conscience when you kill or wound somebody?" - ToniB (email supplied) :87
A. Nah! It's fun! After I kill 'em I get to open them up and look at all their gooey and squishy stuff! That was always my favorite bit at Med School. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what is the population of Greenland?" - demogod (email supplied) :87
A. Approximately 59,000 people. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hello Agent Scully, what motivated you to give up medicine and join the FBI? I've always wondered" - aleisha (email supplied) :86
A. Well, you see, it was the outfits. Those green surgical suits clash with my eyes. Luckily, the FBI lets me cut up corpses for laughs. Holy...! Who the f**k gave this person the URL to my website...? Are you trying to wear out Mr. Bat? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, do you ever read the spoilers? That must be weird if you do, knowing what's going to happen to you before it actually does!" - Cara Manley (email supplied) :85
A. Hey! Wow! Maybe somebody at the FBI should open up a special project to investigate such unexplainable phenomena! Maybe they could call it, oh, I don't know, how about THE X-F**KING-FILES! Uh DUH! Anyway, the only spoilers in real life are broken down refridgerators. Nobody can know what's going to happen before it happens. Only a glue-sniffer would waste time on spoilers! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, you are the epitome of poise and professionalism. I'm wondering, how did you get up on Mr. KGB's shoulders for that picture? It certainly shows an adventurous side to your personality. I've heard rumors of another, somewhat steamy picture, but I guess TLG suppressed it. Also, where can I get my own sweet Shturmie-clone? He must be quite a guy. I figure, what with all that cloning stuff, you know, us girls could stick together when we find a good prick...erm, prize" - Jellybean (email supplied) :84
A. Yes, I am. Regarding the picture you're referring to, it wasn't difficult - my Shturmikins lifted me up as if I was but a feather. He's so strong. What a man! It's no wonder you want him too. As for cloning him, well, we intend doing it only the natural way. Oh and although I must hasten to state here that I'd never pry into your private life, I thought you were married? I mean, it says so in your file...Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I'm disturbed by how much you swear on this website! You never swear at all on the show. Why do we have to listen to this?" - anuptitebitch (email supplied) :83
A. You f**king don't have to listen to it at all, you f**king retard! F**K! What the f**k do you mean "show"? What f**king show? I'm not on any "show", although sometimes I must admit that my whole f**king life feels like an episode from some f**ked-up mini-series or some shit like that! If it weren't for the love of my Shturmikins, I'd probably go on a f**king killing spree! F**k you and and f**k your delicate f**king sensibilities! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, yay! I'm so glad I found this site! This is hysterical! At first I thought it was terrible but then I finally got the joke! I'd heard so many bad things said about it at the message boards but they're so wrong! When will the other pages be available?" - nuevoficcer (email supplied) :82
A. Now, look, just why the hell are you people laughing at my website? I provide you with a window into my life and soul and all you do is laugh? And what are these message boards and why are they talking about me there? As for the rest of the site, when I finally get done answering these questions, I'll have the rest finished! Thanks for your questions!
Q. "Agent Scully, what would you say to somebody who walked up to you in the street and asked you to ditch Shturmovik[KGB] and marry, erm, that other guy I've heard about? I can't think who that other guy might be, of course (if it'll save me from a visit by Mr. Bat)!" - curiousgeorge (email supplied) :81
A. I'd say "Uh-uh! I know what you're thinking. Did she swing six times or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a Copperhead Alloy bat, the most powerful baseball bat in the world, and would knock your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?" OK? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what's your favorite food?" - BellyM (email supplied) :80
A. Shturmie. I can eat that 24/7. I'm also partial to chicken. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, I'm just starting my new job as an interstate trucker and I'm hauling my rig over the Rockies tomorrow but I have a confession: I'm petrified of descents! Do you have any tips that might help me complete my journey in safety?" - dubberuck (email supplied) :79
A. No matter what else you do, you must keep your speed down. This can be achieved both by braking and downshifting. Before you even take that truck out on the highway, ensure that the brakes are in good condition, that they are properly adjusted and in good working order. The safest way to brake is to apply a lot of pressure and not a gradual pressure. I don't mean scream like a girl and stomp on the pedal like you want to smash it through the floor, but just a good firm push. Gradual pressure causes sustained friction, friction causes heat and heat cracks brake drums and wears out shoes. Safely downshifting is something of an art. Shifting up or down on a hill is very dangerous. There's always that chance that you will wind up in neutral and not be able to get it into any gear because the truck is going much faster than the engine can catch. First, slow the truck down to a speed where if you miss the downshift of the gears, then the truck is going so slow that you can go back to the brakes and completely stop the truck. You may need to completely stop the truck and start over. If you do this, put the truck in the third or fourth gear, ease off of the brake and do not shift the truck at all. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, I bet $50 that I can turn you on better than Brother Andrew did!" - t.mcgill (email supplied) :78
A. I bet you your life that by sunrise you'll be bleeding from your nipples and begging for the release of sweet, sweet death. This is not because you suggested you could "turn me on better than Brother Andrew": no, it's for thinking that anybody other than Shturmie could ever arouse me sexually ever again. Obviously, you are terminally stupid. Might as well get it over with. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dearest Agent Scully, how do you explain the events on a certain baseball diamond one evening not so long ago? Not only was there one of the strangest looking ball-players in history running around but you were seen, also - and in the very intimate company of a colleague no less! Come on, spill it!" - longcool1 (email supplied) :77
A. Spill what? Your blood? Gladly! Say hello to Mr. Bat tonight. I thought we'd agreed that we weren't going to talk about That Guy? Whilst I am the first to agree that he is definitely strange-looking, as a ball-player or otherwise, we had a deal! Mr. Bat will be busy. As for my role, you got it wrong - Shturmie is not a colleague. We have never, do not and never will mix our personal and professional lives. Yes we were intimate on that field, but not in a professional capacity. He was pretty damn slick though. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, you told me that there are no aliens (question #14) but now you're saying that there are and that they have spaceships! Were you trying to fool me before? Naughty Agent Scully!" - bunny2002 (email supplied) :76
A. The so-called Alien Bounty Hunter is in fact an alcoholic piano-tuner from New Jersey. The reason people think he changes shape is because his whiskey breath is so strong it affects their cognitive abilities. OK? Smartass? I made the crack about the spaceship because I was humoring the nutjob who believes in aliens. Like you. And what kind of idiot calls themself "bunny", anyway? Now just shut the f**k up! Thanks for your question!
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Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Ask Scully!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and because lots of you guys obviously never finished 4th grade. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if you are saying really sucky things about me or Shturmie. See how nice I am?
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