Scullysland! : Ask Scully! : Classified! : Interviews! : My Bio! : My Work! : VIP!
Ask Scully!
This is where you get an answer to all your questions about me, Shturmie, The X-Files or pretty much anything! If you would like to ask something, email me here.
Page (latest first): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Q. "Agent Scully, I've read so much about your wedding to Shturmie, but when is it really going to happen? Don't you want to be an honest woman?" - bundyrum (email supplied) :125
A. How the f**k can I be an honest woman? I work for the f**king FBI! I took a nine week course in dishonesty and evidence tampering! Sheesh. Anyhoo, Shturmie and I will tie the knot soon, unless we decide to have a little brother or sister for William, in which case we'll leave it unknotted for a while. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, what is your opinion on birth control?" - d_aresti (email supplied) :124
A. Well, it was too late for you. What were your parents thinking? They must have been really drunk. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, your apartment is very nice. Have you any tips you'd like to share with those of us who'd like to be a little more like you?" - shippergal99 (email supplied) :123
A. Just who the f**k do you think I am, Martha Stewart or somebody? Get the f**k out of here! My place is clean and tidy because I'm never there. I spend most of my time at either Shturmie's place or Gillian's house. Don't tell him I told you, but Shturmie is, erm, a little untidy. Typical guy. The CDC have been called out to his refridgerator three times this year. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, thank you for giving us this forum in which to interact with you! It's so kind. May I ask which of the cases you've investigated has brought you the most satisfaction?" - M. Sesto (email supplied) : 122
A. You may. The answer would have to be none of them. Let's face it, that's like asking a city maintenance worker which sewer he most loves to work in. He might say that sewer A has an interestingly fruity bouquet, or that sewer B is adorned with the most arrestingly colorful stains, but the fact is they're all full of shit. God, I can't wait to get into some cushy number, like busting teenage software pirates for Bill Gates! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, we feel that Chris Carter should be tried and executed for what he's done to The X-Files in season's 8 and 9! Will you help us bring him to justice?" - XFGoddess (email supplied) : 121
A. Chris who? What's this guy got to do with The X-Files project? And lady, I went to college, so I know there are only four seasons, not nine; ever heard of a guy named Antonio Vivaldi? Sheesh! Oh wait, Shturmie wants to tell me something...uhuh...OK...what?...you have got to be kidding me!...they just keep getting dumber...OK, I'm back with you, and Shturmie has explained it all to me now. So, let me get this straight: this Carter guy has made some crackpot TV show which you've spent the last few years obsessing about and now he's changed it, so you feel justified in calling for the guy's murder, even though you've never met him and he doesn't even know you exist? Fine. Be an asshole. And I bet you think he reads your posts. Whatever. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Merry Christmas Agent Scully! Please pass on my good wishes to baby William and to Shturmie also! Have a happy New Year!" - your#1fan (email supplied): 120
A. You're not a ghost, are you? If you are, then go f**k yourself! If you're not, then thanks and the same to you! No, I don't really believe in ghosts, I just like to swear a lot. Shturmie, William and I are celebrating with our families upon Shturmie's mountain in New Zealand. Strange: even though it's summer down here, we're having a white christmas! We're just so much better than you...! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, whatever happened to Darrin Oswald?" - xfteen2 (email supplied) :119
A. He was released from custody in 1996 since nobody could stand his music any longer. Last I heard he got a job with an electric utility in California. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, what is the best way to rig an assymetrical spinnaker? I don't have a lot of experience with them, but I'm skippering an entry in the Volvo Ocean Race at the moment and thought the technique might be useful." - k.shoebridge (email supplied) :118
A. To fly an assymetrical spinnaker as a "poleless spinnaker" as I do, requires an adjustable line attached to the tack. For poleless operation, this line passes through a block ahead of the forestay as far as possible. I have one attached to the end of the anchor roller. From the block, the line leads aft through fairleads to a camcleat on the starboard cockpit coaming. The head of the sail goes to the masthead, and 2 sheets twice the length of the boat are required. The sheets must be led outside of all rigging. Hoisting is simply a matter of getting the head up to the masthead before the sail fills (keep plenty of slack in the working sheet). After the sail is hoisted, adjust the tack line and the sheet together to get the fastest shape (experimenting required.) The tackline allows the tack to rise up as the sail fills, and also to carry out ahead of the boat (farther away from the main in better air). Gybing this rig (you can't tack with it) requires that the clew pass ahead of the forestay, or a f**k-up is guaranteed. On Kelpie, it's a 2 person job. After a gybe, the opposite side of the sail is exposed to the wind (lessens the wear). Takedown is not difficult, I just blow the sheet and haul in the tackline until I can get a handful of cloth and start wadding it up. When the clew is aboard, blow the halyard and stuff the whole mess down the foredeck hatch. Leave everthing connected and shut the hatch. That way if you need to rehoist there will be no wraps. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, I've knitted a little sweater for your baby. It has lots of 'X's on it. How can I get it to you?" - helen_m (email supplied) :117
A. That's so sweet! Just leave it by the food-tray slot in your cell door and the orderly will take it away. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, in the Grotesque case you seemed to be quite negative and unhelpful to Agent That Guy? Why was that?" - shipperqueen3 (email supplied) :116
A. Hmm, gee, let's see now, Agent That Guy chasing gargoyles and demons and I'm...being...negative...hmmm. MORON! It was so obviously Bill Patterson! Everybody knew it. The only reason we didn't lock him up (Patterson I mean) is because we wanted to see how long it took That Guy to figure it out! Bill had a bet with A.D. Skinner that he wouldn't be able to figure it out. I still think somebody tipped That Guy off in the end. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, did the FBI ever try to find that monster guy from the Folie a Deux case? It worries me that such a creature might be out there, controlling people's minds! I sure hope somebody's looking!" - allen.g (email supplied) :115
A. Shit, no! How else would the Republicans ever get people to vote for them? Free Will isn't exactly item number one on the party wish-list and let's face it, if the Bureau had it's way, you'd all be under house arrest! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, this site is really great but when will the rest be ready?" - May_Lee (email supplied) :114
A. Look! It'll be ready when it's ready, OK? Quit bugging me about it, or maybe I won't finish it at all! Anyhow, Shturmie has just posted the transcripts of my interviews with Duane Barry and Eugene Tooms on the Interviews! page. There'll be some more there soon. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, Clyde Bruckman claimed that you're never going to die. What did he mean by that?" - fm4ds (email supplied) :113
A. How do you know...Whatever. Clyde was a nice guy and very smart. That's all I have to say on the matter. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, who is Shturmie and what does 'KGB' stand for?" - jennie (email supplied): 112
A. WTF...? Can't you people READ? Do you live in a Goddam cave on Mars or something? Sigh...! All is revealed on the My Bio! page. Also, as I replied to some other floozie dumb enough to ask the same question (she's dead now - Mr. Bat killed her), Shturmie is my life-partner, the greatest guy in history and a really top-notch lay. He's also the father of our baby, William. He is called 'Shturmovik[KGB]' because he's an ex-agent of the Komitet Gosudarstvennoi Bezopasnosti (State Security Department) of the former Union Of Soviet Socialist Republics, and is being hunted by the CIA, NSA, MI5, and the Disney Corporation, so he had to choose the lowest-profile alias he could think of. As he was unable to decide between the names 'Jack L. Finkelstein' or 'Rush Limbaugh', Shturmie engaged the services of an astronomically expensive firm of media consultants who, after 15 months and $3.55 million, unveiled his present name during the half-time period of the 1974 Super Bowl in Houston. He was seven-years-old at the time. He later discovered that this name was actually purchased from a Latvian writer of pornographic novels for the princely sum of $35 and a night with two prostitutes. Shturmie is currently in litigation with these media consultants and can make no further statements on the matter. Anyhoo, don't forget to say "No, no, please, I'm sorry, don't do it, no! AAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!" to Mr. Bat tonight. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, what's all this about you, That Guy and William that I've been hearing? And also something about 'your natural hair-color'? What's going on?" - longcool1 (email supplied) :111
A. So, still hearing voices? That therapist really soaked you, huh? See that picture of me above? It says "Copperhead", and it's not just referring to Mr. Bat. Oh, and take a good long look at Mr. Bat. That way you'll recognize him tonight. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, surely you never had any feelings for Chief Jack Bonsaint! Please tell us it was only friendship? And you can't tell us you don't believe now after that Chinga case!" - n.e.witch.girl (email supplied) :110
A. Uh yuh. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, whatever happened to those bees? They just seem to have vanished!" ttiot334 (email supplied) :109
A. Beats the shit out of me! One minute we're all running screaming from them, then the next thing ya know there's a honey shortage and the price goes up outrageously in the stores! It almost makes you believe that we live our lives in some Cosmic storybook, where the writers are totally disinterested or inept and just make it all up as they go along. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how did you feel when you thought That Guy was going to be trapped in the body of Morris Fletcher forever?" - dreamlana (emailsupplied) :108
A. I was elated on the one hand, since Morris is such a great guy, but devastated on the other because I'd still be working with somebody who looked like That Guy. Oh well, can't have everything I guess. Thanks for your question!
Q. "In Bad Blood, you said that everything you do, you do for That Guy. If this is true, why do you say you don't like him now?" - shippy_file (email supplied) :107
A. Look, you know what happens to you when you ask these stupid questions! God, you people are such masochists! What I meant was that everything I do, I have to do because of him, because of his utter ineptness at everything! And besides - I was drugged. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Whatever happens to all the freaks and monsters and psychos you guys catch? We always see you apprehending them but then they just seem to disappear! Where do they go?" - luvmeluvu (email supplied) :107
A. We let a lot of them go. The thrill is in the chase, you know? A lot of the others usually sign contracts with various TV Production companies and get their own daytime talk-shows, although quite a few have gone into politics. Didn't you see any of the candidates in the last election? Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, do you enjoy working with Agent Doggett and Agent Reyes?" - strritup (email supplied) :106
A. John is great. I don't have to worry about having cockamamie theories dumped in my lap every ten seconds from him! Reyes? Reyes? Hmm...Reyes...it sounds vaguely familiar, but...can't...quite...remember...Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hello Agent Scully! What's your favorite drink? Is it wine? We've seen you drink that a few times now. Just curious! :)" - sammi_m (email supplied) :105
A. What, are you calling me an alcoholic? You think I drink a lot? How would you know, anyway? What do you mean you've seen me drinking? Have you been following me? Calling me a drunk! I'm sitting here drinking COFFEE for f**k's sake, not liquor, COFFEE! C-O-F-F**KING-F-E-E! GOT THAT? I've had nearly twelve cups tonight, and NO, I haven't been adding anything either! Just good strong Columbian-blend coffee, OK? You got a problem with that? I AM NOT A LUSH! I'm going to smash your f**king brains in! YOU'RE GONNA DIE! DIE! YOU HEAR ME? I'M GONNA COME OVER THERE AND BASH YOUR GODDAM HEAD IN! Right after I finish this cup. Or maybe after I have another one. Whatever. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, whatever happened to Phoebe Green, the woman from the Fire case?" - ukshipper5 (email supplied) :104
A. Who? Oh, her! As I recall she had an affair with that British royalty guy with the big ears, King Charles Spaniel or somebody. Anyhoo, that bombed and so she moved to Minnesota and got a job as the weather anchor on Channel 4. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, in the Calusari case you said something about Munchausen by Proxy. Can you tell me more about it?" - baron.darling (email supplied):103
A. How do you know what I said? Are you spying on me? I don't like people who spy on me, and neither does Mr. Bat! Whatever, everybody knows the answer to that one anyway: it's what That Guy's grandfather used to take for his stomach. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, how do I translate the value returned by GetLastError() into a string? It's driving me nuts!" - weenie_man (email supplied) :102
A. Use FormatMessage(), asking for the system message tables. This is a good i18n technique, as the OS can return translated strings itself. However, this doesn't work in CE, as the error strings aren't included in the ROM images. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, after all the confusion of memories and stuff in Field Trip how do you know you're not still underground being digested by the plant monster? You might be dreaming all this!" - gertrude.m (email supplied) :102
A. Which field trip? I haven't been on a field trip since - oh, OK, I know what you're talking about now. That weird shit in North Carolina. Well, I know that if I was dreaming this, That Guy would not be here and Shturmie and I would rule the entire Universe. You'd be in prison. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, do you think Assistant Director Walter Skinner is hot?" - talia_maverick (email supplied) :101
A. Are you shitting me? He's a boss - his office has excellent air-conditioning! Not like the rest of us poor flunkies! You ever been to DC in summer? It's like Oprah's armpit! Thanks for your question!
Page (latest first): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Ask Scully!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and because lots of you guys obviously never finished 4th grade. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if you are saying really sucky things about me or Shturmie. See how nice I am?
Scullysland! : Ask Scully! : Classified! : Interviews! : My Bio! : My Work! : VIP!