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Ask Scully!
This is where you get an answer to all your questions about me, Shturmie, The X-Files or pretty much anything! If you would like to ask something, email me here.
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Q. "Agent Scully, aliens have set up a trans-dimensional relocator portal in my basement. This is not the first time. In my last home, they tried to implant multi-node neural-control devices in my family. Luckily, I was able to remove these with an ice-cream scoop and I flushed the aliens out by setting fire to the house. Unfortunately, they must have abducted my wife and kids because I haven't seen them since. Also, the aliens have gained control of the authorities and the media and are trying to set the public against me. They even went as far as mind-zapping the producers of America's Most Wanted and so I have to be very careful now as I know that all my neighbors are communist spies and they might have seen my picture on that show. The FBI is after me too. I've seen them in my bathroom. Actually, I'm not sure if they're real FBI agents or shape-changing aliens. They're ugly, whoever they are and their suits are cheap, not like yours and That Guy's. I guess that clinches it. Anyway, I'm not going to use fire this time. I've managed to obtain three canisters of nerve gas, so hopefully that should do the trick. My question: can you help me find my family?" - r.limbaugh (email supplied) :50
A. So, where do you live? The aliens can detect me due to my own implant, therefore in order to assist you I need to know exactly where you are so that I can get as far away from you as possible. Here's a top-secret tip: you missed an implant! The aliens managed to insert one deep within your brain that night you passed out while sniffing gasoline in your garage. It can only be removed with a special tool known as a .357 Magnum. I can supply you with one of these if need be. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dearest Agent Scully, I humbly supine myself at the feet of yourself and the Great Shturmovik[KGB] as well as the unearthly and sublime Gillian Anderson. I have studied this website in detail and wish to say but one thing: Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. Truly, you are indeed the Gods of our time!" - ToddMan (email supplied) :49
A. How exactly can you legitimately claim to be a man, you snivelling worm? A Tampax commercial has more masculinity than you have in the whole of your being, both corporeal and otherwise. Admit it - you're gay, right? However, we grudgingly accept your tributes, after we have replied thus regarding your efforts at flattery: Materiam superabat opus. Not only that, we feel you should have appended the following: Nullum saeculum magnis ingeniis clausum est. Begone! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Where did you meet Shturmovik [KGB] and what made you fall in love with him? I mean, you were working with God's gift to women. You could have had him at any time, and yet you chose Shturm. I find this very hard to understand" - ShipperCal (email supplied) :48
A. That's because you are a moron, sweetie! You wouldn't understand the instructions on for a celery stick. If you'd bothered to read my reply to that greedy pig, Rio, further down the page, you'd know that you could find the answer to your first question in Days of Milk and Cookies on the My Work! page. As for your second question, Shturmie never gifted anybody to women except himself. And why would you say I've worked with Shturm? He won't accompany me on cases because he knows that doing it all myself is the only way I'll learn. Lastly, I've had Shturmie. Many, many times. I'm planning on having him many more times too, including four times tonight. I've never regretted my destiny. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, you have such a kickass wardrobe! So, what do you think will be the hot fashion trends this spring?" - Sykochik (email supplied) :47
A. Damn, I am great, aren't I! Frankly, I could wear a septic tank and still look fabulous. So, my picks are: barrels will make a huge comeback, mainly due to the 'competency' of the present Administration. There'll be a Battle Royal between proponents of the Burqua and the Bikini. Naturally, the battle will be between crazed fundamentalists (let's face it, who else is dumb enough to give a wet shit?), all of them male, and the casualties will be anybody f**king stupid enough to go out in public in one, let-alone get up on a catwalk. Finally, Joan Rivers will be killed by shrapnel when whatever shit she wears this time gets sick of merely clashing, and instead fights a global nuclear war. It won't be pretty, but we'll all cheer anyway, especially me. I say good riddance to the f**king hideous, wrinkled, face-lifted-into-a-4th-dimension old hag. Thanks for your question!
Q. "So it's true, and I have found the dumbest and biggest waste of space on the internet! Aren't you going to congratulate me? The earlier posters were correct - you should pull the plug on this place and leave the real Scully and Mulder alone! You redefine the term loser" - anonymouse99 (IP address logged) :46
A. Gee, whichever sites you favor must be incredibly scintillating, if you've chosen to spend so much time here - anidiotraves! Yes, I know it's you. 'anonymouse99' my ass! Do you even know what "IP Logged" means? Uh DUH! Amazing: I've been online for what, three days? Four? And already somebody with an opposing viewpoint is trying to spam me! Unfortunately for you, pusbag, THIS ISN'T A MESSAGE BOARD! For Chrissakes, try and rustle up some brain-cells from somewhere and THINK! You have to EMAIL your messages to me! You can't flood this forum, because it's not a board! BWAHARHARHARHARHAR (as my Shturmikins would say)! I'm not going to stop posting your laughable messages, just because you insult me and my beliefs, but in order to be able to put them up I'll have to take you off my email's filtered list, so knock off the penny-ante scriptkiddie flood-attempts! Man, what a laugh. And I thought I was never going to be able to abuse all those bullshit anti-terrorism regulations we suckered the American public into accepting without a second thought! Woohoo! Now, which State shall I set myself up as President for Life in?
Q. "Hmmm, Agent Scully, is it possible that some of these people are, well, let's say "very closely related to you" (as in, they are you)? It's OK, you can tell us. We're all friends here! ;-)" - longcool1 (email supplied) :45
A. Hmmm, longcool1, is it possible that you are a throwback to an earlier Eon? Let's say, the Age of Slime Creatures? It's the only possible explanation I can think of for suggesting that I could write the sort of turgid shit you see below from somebody like anidiotraves. I bet you make splooshy noises whenever you move in your chair, and you leave a trail of festering sludge everyplace you go. It's OK, you can tell me. We're all friends here. Not. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Scully - what pendrellsgirl said! I'm so glad you brought Shturmie out of retirement! I missed him from the old Haven shipper board! When things got a little too serious there I always knew I could count on him to lighten things up a little! Please take good care of him! You're both precious!" - lurkergirl (email supplied) :44
A. Uhuh. Retirement? Precious? Shipper? These aren't words to keep me warm on those long winter's evenings. Whatever, so long as you're happy, huh? Sheesh. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Scully, please don't listen to people like anidiotraves! This site is one of the best XF sites I've been to and truly unique! Thanks for giving the rest of us (sane folks) a bit of light relief!" - pendrellsgirl (email supplied) :43
A. "Relief"? Hey, don't expect me to help you out there! Ask your boyfriend. Oh wait - Pendrell is rotting in a box in the ground - I guess you'll just have to do it yourself. But you are right. This site is fantastic. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Uh, you're pretty weird. What's with this place? Why do you call Mulder 'That Guy'? When will you have the rest of the site ready? Will the Cigarette Smoking Man have a Q&A page? How do you feel about the direction the show's taken in the last couple of seasons?" - wondering (email supplied) :42
A. Holy f**king shit, you think you asked enough questions there, guy? Maybe you want to go get your Encyclopedia Britannica out and find me a few thousand more? First, retard, I'm not weird. Compared to you, I'm the least weird thing in the history of everything. You make weird run screaming from the room in disbelief. This 'place' is MY place. A forum for me to greet my friends and well-wishers. You're neither. F**k off. I call That Guy 'That Guy' because that's his name. I don't know where the f**k you gumbys got "Mulder" from: honestly, it just beats the living shit out of me sometimes. The rest of the site will be ready when it's ready. It probably would have been ready ages ago were it not for assholes like you. The CSM will have his own page here. He'll also feature heavily in the Q&A section. He's very popular, judging by all the emailed questions I've recieved for him. What show? Sorry, I don't watch TV. Way too busy with chasing aliens and dipshit stuff like that, not to mention the new baby! OK? BTW, if you ask any more questions, I'll kill you. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Will you please stop this crap? It's truly pathetic and you'd be doing mankind a favor by shutting down this site. Why can't you respect the feelings of the show's true fans? You dump on Mulder and make Scully out to be some kind of whore, when you are the one prostituting yourself all over the internet! It's hard enough to find decent values anyplace as it is, and the beautiful romance between Mulder and Scully shouldn't be sullied by your trash-talk! Just curl up and die like the insect you are!" - anidiotraves (IP logged) :41
A. Whoa! We just checked the webserver logs again and discovered that you have hit this site 49 times! 49 TIMES! I haven't logged-on that many times and it's my f**king website! Tell me, do you shove pinecones up your own ass so that you can complain to people about the pain? Man...and there you go again with that "Mulder" shit! Who the f**k is that? Next time you pick up your meds from the night nurse, save me some! What a f**king putz...! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hey Agent Scully, will we ever see the Deep Throat character again? He ruled! Luv the site!" - ElderMan (email supplied) :40
A. Look, why do people keep asking me this? I was there when he was shot and he died! OK? Got that? Where do you think I got that medical degree on my wall from, the Correspondence College of Broken Jaw, Montana or something! I was top of my f**king classes at University of Maryland, Goddammit, and I know when somebody is dead! OK? HE ISN'T COMING BACK! I wish you were dead! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, how come you're such a bitch to us fans? We forgive you though and still adore you!" - Redemption2000 (email supplied) :39
A. So ask a decent question already! Kerist, and you wonder why I get cranky! And what's with your name? "Redemption2000"? It sounds like a sex-aid for Catholic Priests! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, do you think I could ever go out with Krycek?" - luvmeluvu (email supplied) :38
A. Shit yes, he's a total manslut! The guy will go out with anybody, even a lamoid like you! Hell, he'd probably even f**k you! Even That Guy scored with him! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, will Shturmovik[KGB] ever be appearing on The X-Files? As an actor I mean" - onlyme99 (email supplied) :37
A. As an act-? One name: Lucy Lawless. You do realize that Shturmie's a New Zealander, right? He's also a very fine human being, who loves his fellow man...OK, who am I kidding, what I really mean is that even he doesn't despise humanity enough to inflict the Kiwi national trait upon us - Bad Acting. As thespians, New Zealanders truly suck. Weird really, as his other Personal Performance is outstanding, if you know what I mean. Phenomenal even. Best ever. I don't know how I can still walk, and I'm a doctor, for chrissakes! He'd win a Lifetime Achievement award from the Academy for that, for sure! Thanks for your question!
A. "Dear Agent Scully, my advisors are all in a meeting and I can't find my daddy and I need some urgent advice! Does the shoelace go under-over-under or is it over-under-under-over? Also, why is it that whenever they see me, the Secret Service guys cover their mouths with their hands? Hope you can help" - airfarce1 (email supplied) :36
Q. Hi George. I thought you always wore slippers? Just go out and buy some boat shoes. Or send out the black maid to do it. Whatever. So, your advisors hold meetings without you? There's hope for the nation yet. As for the Secret Service guys, I'm sure it's just some arcane mark of respect. You know how these secret societies just adore their rituals. Thanks for your question!
Q. "If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on sugar, let me know!" - pipermscully (email supplied) :35
A. OK, since you asked, I don't want your body nor do I think you're sexy. I am sweet though. One out of three. Probably the best test result you'll ever earn. Thanks for your question!
Q. "You are pathetic. I don't know why I wasted my time coming here. Somebody said this site was funny, but all I see is a sad, sad loser with immature fantasies and a complete lack of talent. Your stories are weak: cliched, boring, unfunny. Give it up and stop wasting bandwidth, you sick little man." - neverhadsex (email supplied) :34
A. Gosh, all of them? Really? It's such a shame that you wasted, what, must be at least two hours, reading all of those case journals which Shturmie kindly typed up. Or did you just read the first three lines of one of them, saw that your precious That Guy wasn't going to be the sexy, romantic hero (as he is in all that shit you and your little school friends write) and ran screaming and crying for your message board? It's no wonder you can't get laid, if you can't spot the difference between me and a man. Take another look at the picture of me above. If that's a man, his makeup person deserves a really huge raise. What is it with clowns like you and the mental health expert two questions below? You must all be dykes. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully, my automatic garage door opener is playing up. I've stripped the controller down and have the PCB in front of me and I can see that a 10k surface mount resistor has come adrift. The problem is, I'm not sure where it fits on the board. The controller motor hunts like crazy and the door jerks as it raises and lowers. Can you help?" - tim.taylor (email supplied) :33
A. Hi Tim! Is that a Binford 8180 controller? If so, I think I know exactly where the resistor you spoke of fits. Locate VCC 12+ (where the red wire to the drive motor is attached) and follow the trace until you get to the pad with C2, the 1 mic capacitor. Next to that (and between the two ICs) you should see two solder pads where that resistor once was mounted. Just solder it back here. This is a known issue with that controller, due to a fault in the flow-solder machine at Binford's plant. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Shturmovik[KGB], I'm currently in week three of Psychology 101, and it seems to me that you are a paranoid obsessive/compulsive manic-depressive with sociopathic tendencies. I believe that if you aren't already undergoing intensive therapy, you should be. Seek help dude" - freudianslip (email supplied) :32
A. Wow! Psych 101! Week three! Man, you must know it all! I can't even remember when I took that class, it was so long ago. Like, when I was 12. I'm not offended by what you say; I don't have time to be as I have to pick up every last grain of sand off of this beach, then weep because the world is out to get me and everybody hates me and my life sucks and so I'm GOING TO KILL EVERYBODY! EVERYBODY! That'll show 'em! Another reason I'm not offended is because I'm Special Agent Dana Scully, not Shturmovik[KGB], and anybody who can't tell the difference between a 6'4" hunk like Shturmie and a 5'4" babe, with an ass to die for and tits that kill such as mine, certainly isn't worth worrying about. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hey, I ate a slug once!" - t.mcgill (email supplied) :31
A. Only once? You are living proof that we are what we eat. Thanks for your, uh...statement!
Q. "Hi Agent Scully! I'm sorry to sound so lame, but I really AM your greatest fan! Thanks for giving us such a perfect role-model! Anyway, can you tell me which case was your favorite?" - allen.g (email supplied) :30
A. There's nothing great about you. Nothing. I can't deny the role-model bit, though don't pin your hopes on becoming anything like me. It can only end in tears. As for my favorite case, let's see: it's either any of the ones which involved me hurting That Guy in any way, or it was any one which enabled me to get away from him for any length of time. Take your pick. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Agent Scully! Would you think I was a terrible person if I told you that I constantly dream of That Guy? That I would give everything to be able to clutch him to my heaving breast, inhale the intoxicating perfume of his beautiful hair and feel the gorgeous warmth of his silky skin against mine. Would you hate me if I told you that I long to strip him naked and run my tongue over every fabulous inch of his body, to taste the tanginess of his sweat? And if I said that I'm planning on dedicating my life to finding that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to f**k him stupid, would you think any less of me?" - bovineslut (email supplied) :29
A. No. I couldn't possibly think any less of you than I already do. Thanks for your question!
Q. "Hi, Scully. Why are so many people visiting this site just to be mean to you? It's just not right. Also, how did you and Shturm meet?" - Rio (email supplied) :28
A. Hey, ONE question, you greedy pig! ONE! Not two! Not three! Not six-to-the-power-of-a-googolplex! ONE! Man. Shippers. Always expect the Earth! OK, just this once...first, they're trying to be mean to me because they suffer from a thyroid deficiency. Secondly, read Days of Milk and Cookies which can be found on the My Work! page. And no more two-questions-for-the-price-of-one shit, OK? The sale is over! Thanks for your question(s)!
Q. "Dear Agent Scully, is there any truth to the disturbing rumors that Shturmie has a sheep fetish? Could this all be a nefarious plot by That Guy to discredit Shturm in the public eye?" - A Concerned Animal Rights Activist (email supplied) :27
A. Well, actually, both he and I are rather partial to a nice roast lamb. Mmmm, mint sauce! Still, although very fond of this meal, I'd hardly call it a fetish. You're obviously bonkers. And That Guy just isn't clever enough to even think of trying to discredit Shturm, even if he wanted to, which he doesn't; Shturmie is his hero, afterall. BTW, were you aware that "A Concerned Animal Rights Activist" is an anagram of "Somebody Kill Me Quickly Because I'm A Complete Loser"? Clever! Thanks for your question!
Q. "Yeah, hey, your site is hilarious but the only link that works is the Ask Scully! page. Is this gonna be fixed or is it just my impaired and completely retarded computer?" - Imellenscuz (email supplied) :26
A. A poor workman always blames his tools, and judging by your grammar I'd say it's not the computer that's retarded. "Gonna"? Jeezuss. And what the hell is so funny about my site? I've worked damn hard on this! I don't have a lot of time to spare, which is why you might find the occasional broken link or unfinished page. Like it says in the intro, "Be Patient"! I'm so goddam sorry that my webmastering efforts are interrupted by mere trifles such as international terrorism and high-level conspiracies and you're unable to access a couple of web pages! F**k! I bet you have terrible B.O. Thanks for your question!
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Special Agent Dana Scully (and her partner Shturmovik[KGB]) reserves the right to edit any and all material received for publication on the Ask Scully!© webpage for the purposes of clarity and because lots of you guys obviously never finished 4th grade. However, no unnecessary changes will ever be made and context and meaning will be preserved wherever possible, even if you are saying really sucky things about me or Shturmie. See how nice I am?
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