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Ask Scully!

This is where you get an answer to all your questions about me, Shturmie, The X-Files or pretty much anything! If you would like to ask something, email me here.

Q. "Agent Scully, why do you refer to your partner, Agent Fox Mulder, on your site as, "that other guy?" Was there some kind of affair there you're not mentioning? Makes a person wonder... Also, if you're such a qualified doctor, what in god's name did the FBI possibly offer that made you wanna quit going to medical school? By the way, don't take any of it personal, I love you..." - Mike Vick (email supplied) :216

A. Sigh... You people just couldn't get any dumber if you tried. I refer to That Guy as "That Guy" because "That Guy" is That Guy's name. Got it? Medical school is for spoiled rich brats, but I graduated and -- duh! -- got a job. What, you expect me to be a med-student forever? You watch way too much Scrubs. Since Mr Bat is currently unavailable, I'm going to have to kill you myself. It'll be horrible. And you can take it personally. Thanks for your question!

Q. " Agent Scully, now that my hideous, sexless minions in the accounting dept have shutdown the Official X-Files website, can I come and play here? Also, I'm having trouble masturbating because there's this one bat which continually attempts to ram itself up my ass." - Peter Chernin, CEO, FOX (email supplied) :215

A. Dearest, dearest Pete, let me just say, on behalf of all XF fans everywhere, F*CK OFF AND DIE HORRIBLY. You suck almost as much as Diller, and I thought nobody could ever come close to sucking as much as he. Working for FOX has been the absolute worst experience of my life. Short life. I'm only an innocent-but-nubile 19-year-old, afterall... Thanks for your question!

Q. ":::Waving frantically::: Agent Scully, could you tell me why I get all those horribly painful boilers in my ass since months? And is that because That Guy doesn't want you that you're so ironic with him or that I get those boilers? Thanx for your answers :::showing my ass for you to examine it:::" - Alex (email supplied) :214

A. You have BOILERS up your ass? What are you, a ship? Point two: Dearie, That Guy exists for me. Unfortunately -- for That Guy -- I'd rather have Ebola than spend more than a picosecond in the same room with him. Point three: That's you ass? I thought you were smiling at me... Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, how long have you had Mr. Bat and would he ever consider working for somebody else? If not, perhaps he has a brother or something that is looking for employment? Please respond ASAP as time is of the essence." - Agent F (email supplied) :213

A. I originally employed Mr Bat in order to fill the void whenever Shturmie was away. Unfortunately, Mr Bat failed to meet the requirements of that particular job. He has proven extremely good at smashing in the stupid f*cking faces of FOX Executives. As a result, he's a little busy right now. And no, he doesn't have a brother or something. It's a f*cking BAT! You must be a retard. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, I think it's very good that you put what we write on your web site. You're not like others that don't." - Homiejoe (email supplied) :212

A. I believe in sharing, so I don't see why the whole World shouldn't get to laugh at you people too. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Dear Scully, did you ever...(takes out matchbox)... light up the tail of a squirrel, just for fun?" - M.M.M.D. (email supplied) :211

A. When we were little, my brothers and I once killed a snake for no good reason. It scarred me emotionally for life. Now I make a point of sending Mr. Bat round to the homes of, a) people who are cruel to animals, b) people who remind me of snakes, c) people who remind me of my brothers, and, d) people who ask me moronic questions. See my answer to question #203 below. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, Mulder is going to come back and you are going to forget about That Guy. Other than that, I think you are a cool person to know, but I think you need more humping, jello, and whipped-cream with chocolate and less talking and sleeping." - Homiejoe (email supplied) :210

A. Uh, you call that a "question"? 1) Mr. Bat is going to pound your head as flat as a f**king pancake for using the forbidden 'M' word. 2) Why would I forget about him if he was to "...come back...". Where's he coming back from? What a gumby. 3) Yes, I am a cool person, especially when you witness the cool things I do to people who displease me. 4) You're right about the rest. You can never get too much of those things. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, I have a severe flatulence problem. What can I do?" - gasbaghq (email supplied) :209

A. Oh, I know what you mean! I hate that. It's one of the reasons I became a doctor in the first place! What I suggest you do is, get yourself a huge bag of apples, douse 'em in vinegar and start munching. Wash them down with a couple of 6-packs, and before you know it, you'll be farting up a storm! Thansk for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, I can't help wondering whether this website is really nothing more than a veiled cry for help. Perhaps, deep down inside, you desire to be rescued from yourself, and that acting out your fantasies here somehow enables you to cope better with the real-life World outside your front door. We are here for you. You have but to ask." - concerned_chick (email supplied) :208

A. "You have but to ask"? So, don't tell me - you fantasize about going down on Monica Reyes, right? You want to hear a cry for help? OK: "HELP! HELP! There's a stupid f**king New Age imbecile infesting my web page! Somebody shoot her! No, wait, don't worry - I'll do it!" BANG... Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, will we be seeing more of your brother, Charles?" - mary.g (email supplied) :207

A. Jesus, I don't know: will you? If so, tell the pr*ck to at least send me a f**king Christmas card this year! Families suck. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, do you think fans are too obsessive or are you in favor of more interaction with them?" - daly_d (email supplied) :206

A. I'm all for them! On those hot, sweaty nights here in D.C., they're a great aid to sleep. Well, that and Shturmie. Come to think of it, he's actually why I'm hot and sweaty in the first place. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Dear Agent Scully, I wanted to know if your baby is an Alien? Didn't wanna be rude but i gotta know!" - Raindroprincess (email supplied) :205

A. You "wanted" to know - does that mean you don't want to know now, or what? Christ! To think I went through Varsity, Med School and the FBI Academy just to wind up here! "Is your baby an Alien?" - is your Grandma a crackwhore? William is the product of the immeasureable love which Shturmie and I have for each other. So, he's smarter than average? What'd you expect? Look at his parents...! Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, how would you rate the quality of the cases you've dealt with in the last two years against those of the preceeding years?" - truephile (email supplied) :204

A. They're as stupid as any of the others. At least I haven't had to put up with that idiot, That Guy, while Doggett is a breath of fresh air. Monica is ditzy as all hell, but she's great to have around when Diana, Marita and I get sh*tfaced on the vino. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, have you ever read The Wind in the Willows?" - egad_00l (email supplied) :203

A. Have I wha...? Have you ever read Special Agent Dana Scully is Going to Kill Anybody Who Asks Her Obtuse, Pointless and Ultimately Dissatisfying Questions? It came out Christmas. Pick up a copy. Thanks for your question!

Q. "Agent Scully, do you think there is any chance I could ever get on a date with Shturmie?" - M.M.M.D. (email supplied) :202

A. It'd have to be one hell of a big date! I don't know about you, but Shturmie is 6'4" - do palm trees even grow big enough to produce a date that large? Christ, when you think in terms of scale, that tree'd have to be about 200' tall! As a Brit might say, "Blimey!"... Thanks for your question!

Q. "Dear Agent Scully, what is the freakiest experience you've ever had?" - palmlamp (email supplied) :201

A. Well, there was this one time when I was lying in bed, and all of a sudden I felt this tremendous pain, and incredible pressure between my legs, and then this masked person dragged a tiny little dwarf-creature from out of my guts! Ugh! That was easily the worst - oh wait, no, it was the time I watched Special Agent That Guy eating spaghetti. Now that was bizarre!