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Living in Crazy WorldTrappedOne of the things i battle with on a daily basis is this feeling of being trapped. And you know, to be honest I'm not even sure what that means. I guess I feel like i'm trapped inside my own body with all these unwanted thoughts and feelings. I just have so much self-hatred that it controls my entire thought process. It makes me realize how mental illness is far worse than any kind of physical strain i could immagine. Because physical pain is so temporary, so curable. I would trade in my mood disorders for any kind of asthma, diabetes, or even burns over my entire body because thats how painful living can be. I just don't even know how to describe how empty and meaningless i feel every single fucking day of the year. My life is being run by fear, paranoia, weird or repetitive intrustive thoughts, anger, worthlessness, anxiety and panic atttacks, lonliness, extreme boredom, racing thoughts, codependency and inability to be alone, strange notions or ideas about the world and its reference to myself, i could list so many more. And immagine this every day of your life. I remember being so strong when I was younger, so fearless and confident. Maybe I wasn't really happy, but at least I was a strong person and I knew I was a strong person. Now I feel like one of the very hot glasses fresh from dish tank when i worked at bob evans.. if you put ice in them they just cracked all over. Anything can turn my good day into a nightmare. The xanax helps with that. I know some people get addicted to them but I really think they help with my anxiety attacks, especially until i get a mood stabilizer that works. But thats another question I keep asking myself. How do i know if my medicine is working? Has what I've been feeling for years all been a part of my illness? What does it feel like to be stable? When will I know if my medicine works? What if I never stop feeling like this? And who the hell am I? If all my running around like a madwoman and laughing and talking all the time has been a part of my bipolar, where is my personality? If the mania goes away, what will be left of me? I'm sure I wont be without a personality or whatever, but im still scared about it. I hear people talking about the medicines they take and how they make them feel like they are underwater. I just realize that right now how i feel is way worse than being underwater. Sometimes i just feel fake. I know im having a manic fit and i recognize it. But i cant stop acting like a weirdo but im thinking "wait this isnt right this isnt me i have way too much energy i need to sleep i need to go to sleep" but i just won't. I'll feel like I'm trapped inside this body that is impulsively singing broadway tunes for three hours while my boyfriend is trying to sleep? Like what the hell? And I always feel like I must be doing SOMETHING. Like there is something I should be doing and i cant shake that feeling away from me. I feel like a bad person, like I'm missing something, like i should be trying to find something to do that is truly productive. I can't just relax and sit around for a day. I have to run around the house vehemently searching for something to occupy my time that will bring meaning to my life or something. It's so frustrating, like this notion that I can't shake that I need to make some big impact on the world and make everyone in the world understand and be good people like its my fucking job or something. Depression is another part of my day that makes me feel trapped. There is just this nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that tears you apart from the inside and there is this incredible feeling of just... pain... toxic incredible pain that doesn't stop. There is this emptiness inside of you that you just cannot fill and it will never cease to exist, only vary in intensity felt. I get so nervous and jittery and anxious. I almost can't believe I used to star in plays and sing at the top of my lungs on the streets and dance in musicals and sing solos in choir concerts. I feel like a different girl. I want to be that person... that bold cheerful optimistic loser who thought she could do anything. I want to feel like more than less than zero. I want the pain to go away long enough for me to enjoy something again. I wish I could just rewind time and teach myself not to hate myself, or not to care about being accepted or care about what others thought of me. I should have just done my own thing and said fuck it, im a good person so i dont give a shit what you think. And now that my bipolar is in full swing its like i cant fix my attitude problem. I dont want to be a pessimistic moody bitch who is liable to burst into tears at any moment. I dont want to start walking home from wal mart because im terrified that the store thinks Im shoplifting (and im not even..) I dont want to say mean things to my boyfriend who (luckily) will put up with it because he knows what im going through. He understands more than anyone what its like to feel like this, because he is right there with me holding my hand, taking my shit, wiping my tears, telling me everything will be ok. If I didn't have him, God knows what i would do. Its beautiful to have someone that cares about you that much. I love him so much, and I love him for being there for me when I needed it the most. I'm sorry that I can't be a better girlfriend, but someday I just know that I will be better and everything is going to be great. I can just feel it. |
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