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Living in Crazy WorldMy thoughts about schoolI don't know if i have mentioned it on any of my other pages, but I have recently decided to hold off school until spring, at least. I got accepted to penn state main campus and being that i haven't found the right treatment yet, i'm scared to go there while I'm still like this. I'm so scared of what people from my school would think if they found out. I guess they all thought I was some stupid pothead hippy during school. I know I shouldnt care about people that I went to high school with since I probably will barely see some of them again, if ever. My closest friends from school were the kids who hung out in the art room.. me, my friends sam and crystal, erin, kyla... and other than that i guess i realy didn't talk to many people. I mean there was always keisha but my senior year she was pregnant and i think she might have missed more days than me! I was scared out of my wits, and don't ask about what because i have no clue. Its just this thing in my brain.. its so.. so.. all encompassing, especially my thoughts. If people from school really knew what was happening to me they would have sent me to a nuthouse or something. Let me try to explain. I missed 44 total days of school my senior year. I spent 7 days in tap from having illegal absences. This is what a typical morning would be like for me. I would hear my alarm go off for a while, get up, hit snooze about 8 times until i only had a half hour to get out of the house. And then i would freak the fuck out about how i wasnt going to have time to take a shower so i would just lie in bed and cry. My dad was already gone for work so it was just me in my house. I didnt want to go to school without taking a shower because i cared so goddamn much about what everyone thought of me and my thoughts would just race "everyone hates me" "everyone will be able to tell if i go" "people will think im dirty and poor" "i dont have anything acceptable to wear" "i already wore that skirt a few days ago so i cant wear it again even though its clean" "I have nothing to wear" "im going to be late, im going to get detention, id rather not go to school than get detention" etc etc etc. So i would just lie in bed and cry and scream and say i didnt know what to do over and over again. I would fall back asleep, wake up at 10:30, go over to Joshs and scream at him because i needed a doctors note somehow and i didnt have money for the doctors so we would need to somehow make one up. I would continue to freak out and never make one, which made me scared to death to go to school the following day without a note. i would worry about it all day long. I often missed school in bouts of two. The school would call my cell phone because somehow, they thought it was my dads number, so for the longest time i didnt have to worry about that. Towards the end of the school year i kept having meetings with my parents about my attendence and what not where i would usually get pissed at everyone and scream or cry. I one time yelled at miss wilhour for offering me a tissue when i was bawling (GET THAT THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME) Oh my god i felt so terrible, mrs wilhour is one of the cutest nicest ladies in the world. I didnt mean to do things like that.. i really couldnt control it. So anyway, they eventually found out my dads real cell phone number and every time i missed school he would call and scream at me for not being at school (because it made him look bad.. ugh) and i would tell him im going and never show up. And tap was one of the worst punishments ever. Because i had to stare at a wall and deal with my thoughts for an entire day. The upside about tap is i didnt have to deal with uncomfortable people. Everyone in tap was far worse behavior wise than i was, and i was always the smartest person in there. They liked me in tap, because i could talk to people when i knew they wouldnt be judging my every move or comment, looking for some way to tear me apart. That is the way i felt at school. Like kids would just tear apart anything i said either to my face or later when i walked away. I just didnt fit in. I didnt find any of the immature things people did at all funny. There were beach balls going around at our graduation. Apparently some kind of tradition. Well kids were being so rude to the speakers and everything that it was hard to even pay attention to them. I kept getting knocked in the head with beach balls i often wanted to fucking get up and kick them across the field. Maybe one for a little while would have been ok, but it barely stopped and i didnt think it was very funny to have a constant distraction from the actual purpose of graduation. ESPECIALLY because i missed one of my pottery classes to go! And there were only four! I was very upset. I really don't understand how no one recognized i was bipolar before they did. I mean the first manias i can remember were back in the summer after tenth grade when i would make 1000 bucks a week designing websites. I would blow it all, every week! And on crap! I would go out to wal mart and spend 100 bucks on shit like yoyos and bouncy balls and pink cups. I would buy a shitload of presents for my boyfriend and clothes i would barely wear. I would buy 50 pairs of earrings at a time and lose most of them. I mean didnt my parents wonder where all my money was going? Of course, i did buy booze and pot and food and shit like that. and i gave my sister absurd amount of money for "gas" (she didnt use it for gas...) But my boss supported my smoking habit by buying me two packs of cigarettes a day, which i would smoke entirely for about a month. I would go off on my boyfriend when i didnt have a cigarette and run around his yard and scream and shit. We called them nicotine fits at the time, but i know better now. mania mania mania there was so much of it that i never even recognized. Sometimes i wouldnt go to school because i thought that the teachers and students had formed a secret alliance in a conspiracy to kick me out so i wouldnt graduate. I was convinced that almost every single person had hidden motives to make my life hell because they all hated me that much. I was convinced that everyone was out to get me, even the government and cops and stuff. Like I thought they were watching my house. I thought they knew that i owned a bong and had my house on radar, waiting for me to make a bad move. I was suspicious of unusual cars. I was so so so paranoid of everything. The other night I was paranoid about bugs that were out to get me. Gross bugs were going to fall from the ceiling and attack me, i was carrying bug spray around with me like a gun.... but back to school, I hated math class the most, because all the allegedly smart kids were in my class and i was sure that were waiting for me to make a move so they could judge me and that they all thought i was gross or a druggie or something. I mostly didn't talk to anyone except this kid andy who was nice enough to help me when i asked him a question. My only escape was the art room. I felt so safe in there, because i knew that no one would be judging me or talking about me behind my back or anything. I could just go about my busines, make my pottery, talk to my friends, listen to good music. I was very talkative and friendly and funny when i was in there, which is my true nature. I love to talk, although some days i had explosive amounts of energy which i now realize was part of my disease. Also there were somedays when i found everything to be completely hilarious and i was high on life and always smiling and thinking about all the different pottery i was going to make and how much fun i was having. When i did go to school, my aim was to get out of as many possible classes to go to the art room. Mrs. Renn is the nicest coolest teacher ever. Plus the art room is where you find my type.. the stoners. And i guess i really was. I had a job and thats what most of my money went to was pot. I dont see it as a terrible thing though like most kids would. It actually helped me a lot when i was having anxiety attacks all the time and it helped me eat and sleep for school. Its fucked up not being able to eat or sleep on your own. my boyfriend and I would smoke a huge bowl out of our bong and watch that 70s show or other movies that we have (check out my about me section) and that was pretty much it. But all things considered at the time, i didnt know i had manic depression, and my dad spent most of the week at his girlfriends house and i was scared to death of him at the time, so i think its fine that i had something to calm me down. Especially after working as a waitress five nights a week, that would always leave me in a bad mood. I think pot really saved me from suffering from my deep depressions when they came and let me really just relax. I dont regret it at all, and i found other things i am really passionate about because of the way i lived my lifestyle. Ha i remember this one time i got caught at my fbla tournament and i was really freaking out in front of all the kids there. But i was all alone in my room having anxiety attacks so bad i couldnt breathe and i would pass out and wake up and not know where i was and get upset all over again, and this was before i even knew about xanax (that would have been a help) so I figured i needed it. but i cant believe the fucking maid told her manager, like it was any of her business. I told them it was a cigarette, i dont think they believed me but i was really skitzing out so they let me go home. AND they still couldnt recognize i was bipolar! The funny part is that josh drove down on the first night i was in hershey because i was freaking out and he brought the bong and at like midnight i snuck out of my room and we went on burn runs in the hershey countryside and parked somewhere deserted to smoke from the bong and we fooled around and i went back to the hotel and no one ever knew except my roommates haha. And even if they found out now im already graduated so i dont care, what are they gonna do? I think im over the marijauna stage mostly, its kind of only a little temp on occasion until my meds do their job. Im not smoking ridiculous amounts like i was, but i also realize i have a lot more manias when i dont smoke so that could have been another reason i didnt get diagnosed until I did. So anyway, i will not be attending penn state this fall. I was really excited about it, but scared at the same time. I read this excellent book called Detour: my bipolar roadtrip in 4d. And in it there are stories about bipolar kids who freak out during college. I realized that going to school is not something i want to fuck up by going there when im still well... crazy. I'll be starting a new cocktail of meds soon and hopefully then i will feel something i have never experienced.. normalacy.. or possibly stability. I don't know but i WILL get there and then im going to go to school and do something amazing with my life! I just know it! I just know that someday everything is going to be better and i am going to change the world. Wishful thinking? maybe not! I have lots of ambitions, all i need is a clear head and a little bit of time. Until next time, peace out! |
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