Tuesday June 27th, 2006

Not much went on today. Nothing unusual. I freaked out on josh because he didnt wait for me to take a shower. Yeah i know, end of the world right? well i feel bad about it now, i was overreacting. We went to my wheel class and then we got ice cream at dairy queen and went to wal mart. I saw Keri, which was the highlight of my day, i love that girl! Anyway im getting tired (finally! its been a long time) so i guess im going to try and sleep before i cant anymore! toodles, kt g



Thursday June 29th, 2006


I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. I'm just trying to find some kind of joy in life, to find something or learn something that would make this world seem more than a frivilous desolate black hole. I'm so scared of going to school when I feel like this, afraid to be alone. I have no idea what I'm capable of when there is no one around to stop me. I feel so lost and empty and soulless. There are so many things I want to do.. more pottery, more reading, more writing, more learning, more music, more photography, more drawing, more painting, more exercise, more dancing, just MORE everything. I want my life to be so much more yet my actions portray that i am somehow incapable of achieving this feat. I look at myself and i HATE myself for not being more beautiful, or smart, or talented, or motivated etc etc. Yet I feel like i am making no progress towards accomplishing any type of goal.

I do feel differently about people. I won't ever judge someone's character by a slew of superficial unrealistic criteria. I look at people I might have labeled as a "bitch" or "annoying" before and immediately feel remorse. Maybe they do have problems, but that doesn't mean that some people aren't generally good people. Someone who meets me might conclude that I am a gloomy, irritable person, which i sometimes am... but there is so much more than that. So much deeper than that initial impression. My perception is greatly altered to attempt to look deeper into a persons soul and really understand them. There are bad people in the world. But I realize that even so-called bad people may be just like me.. something is wrong with them in their head. They didn't ask or want to be that way, and they may not even understand why they are that way. There are people who have had extremly agonizing lives and as a result, their brains have developed some kind of chemical imbalance that alters their state of mind and controls their actions. I consider myself lucky that my problem was recognized and I am starting treatment so that maybe i wont always feel like this. But others arent so lucky. Im sure that many have no idea there is even a problem, or that the way they act is wrong, upsetting, or bad in the eyes of society.

I am not well. I am not getting much better. My dad talked to me about 3 in the morning last night. He was having a panic attack and wanted me to be with him because he was scared. We talked for a long time, its so odd that we are so much alike and i never even knew it. I understand now, why my dad would have fits of anger during my childhood, even up til around seven eight months ago. He would be extremely irrational, make me feel like shit, give a fucking anxiety attack, and then a little later would apologize and give me money or something and be all nice. I didnt understand .. until it started happening to me. He said that we both have the same thing, and its not only bipolar disorder. Its more like borderline personality disorder. I go to my psychiatrist on july 3rd and hopefully he will figure something out to get me out of this pessimistic funk so i can live normal. Thats all i want is to go through ONE FUCKING DAY without feeling angry, furious, depressed, hopeless, worthless, out of control, grief-stricken, empty, scared, loathesome, lonely, hyper, irritable, the list goes on. I want my emotions to just GET on track and STAY on track. WHY! WHY ME?!?!?! I wouldn't have cared living a boring little life with good neighborly parents who went to church and had family reunions and took family photos and all sat around the dinner table to eat and then played board games. In fact, I think that would have been a great childhood. At least it would have been stable, and safe, and maybe i wouldnt be so screwed up in the head. Maybe. Blame it on genetics, blame it on anything you want, my problems will not dissapear or go away with magic or be forgotten overnight. I've had a very.. interesting life, i guess you could say. I try not to be remorseful about my past and the god-awful and embarrassing things I did when i was trying to cope with myself and my emotions (mainly the things that involved an extreme excess of alcohol, especially for a GIRL my size). Im sure there are people who dont think much of me, but I will let them think as they please because i cant waste my time caring what people that barely know me think of me. It still bothers me, i wish it didnt, but i really want people to like me. I dont know why. I just really want people to see the good parts of me and not all that psycho bullshit. The negative aspects of me are exagerated because of my illness, but are not permanent. Some people, who've met me under the right circumstances, would never in a million years believe that I act the way that I do. To them, I would never hurt a fly. And thats me. I care about people, I care about animals, I care about the planet. Someday, that will be the only me that anyone will ever perceive.