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Living in Crazy WorldThe Fine LineAfter a recent discussion with my therapist i have brought my condition into a whole new perspective. We talked for a while and he noticed that I read books a typical eighteen year old might not usually read or understand, and that i have very complex opinions on the world, society, politics, ethics and other issues. He told me that i was a very intelligent young girl, which made me feel really good. I am always telling myself how worthless i am and what an idiot i have become. I don't know where i find evidence for my worthlessness in my own self-being, but something inside of me is convinced that I am not fit to walk this earth. My therapist told me that many people who have manic depressive disorder are highly intelligent people. He says that no one really understands the disease or what causes it or why it seems to affect certain people more than others. He reccomended a book to me, An Unquiet Mind by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison. I immediately bought the book and was overwhelmed with the similarities between myself and the young jamison. She is the leading expert on bipolar disorder in the world, and is herself a manic depressive. She is so so very smart, but she felt the same kinds of things i deal with on a daily basis. Thoughts that are so rapid its frightening and confusing, an abundance of energy, excessiveness, running around and pacing about and laughing, being extremely talkative, etc. But mostly what I related to was the racing thoughts. If you've never experienced racing thoughts, you are very lucky. At first it's not so bad, at first its like you have a million ideas and i get excited about all the new exciting things im going to do and all the projects ill take on and how much ill single handedly make a difference in this world. I'll think that i can do anything and charm anyone, meet people who all love me. But it doesn't stop there, my thoughts gradually progress to an unbearable intensity and nothing seems to make much sense. I can't concentrate on one thought long enough to remember what i was thinking about before another thought pops up and leaves me still trying to remember the first, and then the second and so on. I try to read books and i will read the same passage 30 times and still have no idea what it says. I'll start a sentence and by the end of it, not remember the beginning. All this is mentioned in the book, it was like reading the story of how i feel. Sometimes i am terrified that i will go insane. It all seems too much and i feel like my mind might just slip away entirely and i'll live in a horror world the rest of my life, be put in some mental institution, and everyone will be ashamed of me and hate me. Recently I was terrified to leave my bed because i was aware my cat fez had fleas. I said that there were millions of super fleas hiding in my room. I told my boyfriend that I was sure that some had latched onto me years ago, burrowed themselves into my skin and traveled to my brain where they were controlling my body, and that i wasnt really bipolar it was all some big conspiracy so that the fleas can control the universe, and they gave me mood swings because they thought it funny. They were also slowly eating away at my heart and thats why i feel so empty inside. I was sure that if any more had the oppurtunity to burrow inside of me, i would surely die. I have no idea where these thoughts come from. At the time, it seemed like a revelation, but now it seems absolutely psychotic. I know i'm not crazy because the idea of fleas controlling my brain doesn't seem in the least bit plausible at this moment in time. But i also think that it was stragely creative of myself to create such an elaborate belief completely out of the blue. I think differently. I realize that now. And i also realize the meaning of the phrase "There is a fine line between genius and insanity." Many great artists, composers, scientists, philosophers, rulers, and many others who shaped the way our society is and brought new innovations to history and technology, were at least a little bit mad. When you are truly smart, and creative, you don't need to think in terms of normal and sane. These people work in their own ways to achieve great things. They don't think inside the box. They could look at a blue wall and see far beyond blue. Listen to a symphony and it be an absolute indulgence to the ears, a bit of paradise compiled into notes and melodies. Look at a sunset and see the universe wiping a clean slate for a new day by washing the sky with reds and greens. Just think differently. All the smartest people i know are at least a little bit odd or strange. But thats not bad. I'm realizing for the first time in my life that it is ok to be strange. Strange people rule the world and cure the sick, invent new and refresh old, look at things in entirely new ways. And I want to be like that. I want to do something spectacular in my life and make a difference in the world. I'm not saying that all people with bipolar are really smart, or that all really smart people have bipolar or some other mental ailment. What I'm trying to say is that all people have the potential to be great, all you need to do is think outside the box and let go of you inhibitions. One thing i learned from being bipolar, is when you have passions, its ok to be very overly passionate about them. When you are sad, its ok to let yourself be really sad, because that is the only way you can really heal. When you love its ok to love completely, fully, and whole-heartedly. But the symptoms of this disease are unbearable, which is why i know i must take the medicines they give me to be better. It's not that i'm a bad person, it's just that i need to be able to control my energies, my thoughts, my ideas and passions in a way that i CAN make a difference. Right now its just a big jumbled confused mess. I just try to go about my daily activities and remind myself that im not going to go insane, and that there is always a peaceful calm after a malevolent storm. |
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