Hey.. I was thinking today about where I actually am.. I felt when I moved here that not much had changed and that I hadn't really changed.. how wrong i am.. I fulfilled one of my biggest dreams.. to move somewhere I've never been, where I don't know anyone and they don't know me.. To see a place that most people I know will never go and would never do the things i did.. Me and Corianne explored the fraser valley today and I am ever amazed at how wonderful it is out here... always seeing the pictures never prepares you for what you can see and do in such a beautiful place.. it was warm, the sun was shining and I didn't think a sad or lonely thought in my head.. I didn't think about smile guy or sad, grouchy, deep people.. I thought about how amazing my life really is, how truly blessed I am.. how lucky and real and unique I really am.. So I say to all, stop spending your life worrying about how you can change others, or being mad, or judging other people for being too much like other people, or trying to be someone you're not.. just be you and stop whining.. This is alot easier said than done, and most often, I don't practise this but I wish I did.. I want to be like this..
I am more pumped than ever about my road trip .. and I can't believe it is already the summer.. Oh and another side note.. I received an email from my ma about prayer and God and it hit me that I don't believe in God.. for the first time it hit me hard, I am an atheist, as scary as that word sounds, I will open a page on this later.. just thought I'd let you know...
I'M DONE MY FINALS!! I don't have to think about school for three whole months now.. it's gonna be nice.. now a week till I go and nothing to do but pack, see lots of plays at D-Fest, go check out some tunnels and caves..(actually go through the tunnels and caves!)., plan the trip, and go! I'm excited but also sad because I will miss the theatre here.. I ran into two people from the theatre today and without even thinking about it .. they gave me big hugs and I thought to myself how normal this is in the department.. And as someone also once commented.. you always feel like you can hug someone from the dept.. or walk up and give them a massage without a second thought.. and other people don't usually do this.. I will miss that but I will see them soon.. I'm not really thinking about the one that makes me smile today.. I've been stressed for my history final.. WHICH IS OVER!! .. I will tell you a funny story though.. (which wasn't funny to me at the time).. It's a half hour before I have to leave to write my final.. and I'm trying to cram 100 history terms in my brain.. when both the landscaper outside decides it's the perfect time to mow the lawn right by my basement windows.. and my roommate decides she will have sex in the midafternoon with her boyfriend on a bed that creaks extremely loudly in our house that is not soundproof AT ALL....
Do you wish you were me?? I bet..
It's a great day.. I love ya.. see you all later..
This is my rant of the day.. I am sorta disappointed that the one that makes me smile will end up being nothing more than someone I knew for a very short period of time.. I say this because I never see the person, and as I far as I know, he has made no attempt to even wonder at my existence.. A friend once wrote that we make relationships too complicated and that if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.. We should just be totally up front.. and tell them exactly how we feel. And in a world of joy-joy, I would do exactly that.. but life is complicated and I fear getting hurt above anything.. I don't really like rejection, even if it is rejection from a friendship.. I feel like maybe well I want to hear him talk, maybe I have nothing to say to him of his interest.. maybe I'm just not interesting. I'd like to think so.. but heh.. And I have lost my chance anyways because I go home in a week now.. So now I do have a regret.. I'm kinda pessimistic heh.. I'm also tired of gossipy people... I like to gossip about myself but I don't like hearing about it behind my back.. I'm think I'm just disappointed today. I'm tired of letting people matter to me.. when I don't matter to them.. Do I sound depressed? .. because I'm really not, in fact I'm in a good mood today.. Me and Patrick went to Value Village and I got four shirts for under 9 bucks all together.. because I am the VV queen.. VV can always bring me out of a bad day.. But I fear that the one who makes me smile will only be a memory..
I really only have a week left here and I (once again) am looking forward to going home.. But before I get started on that.. this is the most disturbing website I've seen and further shows my extreme anti-murder views..
it's www.christiangallery.com/atrocity/GORYPICS. htm
And if anyone ever tried to tell me that these pics aren't real.. i would slap them and say you don't think abortion's real??.. it doesn't matter if they are or not, this is what happens in an abortion.. fuck all you pro-choicers.. this makes me sick.. ok and yeah.. just look at the pics and think about it.. I haven't explored the rest of the site and since the words christiangallery are in the title I doubt I share any of their other views.. but I am against abortion.. every life deserves a chance to live..
But enough of that.. I think my roommate's boyfriend is home and he's advanced from sitting in front of the couch all day watching TV and doing absolutely nothing to staying holed up in the bedroom.. yeah it's 2:12 and he hasn't left there yet.. ok.. cuckoo.. Wow.. winner.. I'm done my history terms and I'm gonna go mow the lawn now... if it works that is.. and that's doubtful.. but catcha anyways..
So when you begin to forget what's really important in life, it's nice to sit and feel something so serene, so peaceful, so real.. As much as I am enjoying my place here in Chilliwack and living with no regrets (except possibly moving in here).. I can't wait for the moment when I will sit on the roof of our pool area and listen to the complete silence at sunset where only Saskatchewan skies can you show the true beauty of a sunset.. hear the sound of absolute and complete utter silence in a place so far from anything city-like (hearing only your own heartbeat and breath), feel the comforting heat as it warms your skin, look out upon fields of nothing and nothing and nothing.. no mountains, no buildings.. to a sunset of unimaginable colors in the most amazing patterns that it takes your breath away... You haven't seen nothing yet.. Can you tell I'm getting nostalgic? That's what it comes down to.. Lisa's place is real... what i would give to live there.. amongst the mountains, beside a river and to Patrick's amusement.. a playground in your own backyard..
I am not sad anymore.. I just don't like to dwell on the past or analyze it so far.. live and let be.. look to a hopeful future.. I like that movie, Amelie, it makes me happy and hopeful... a little nostalgic..
Will you write my history final??
Today is just not a good day and I don't know why and that makes me sad.. I was totally looking forward to this night at Penny's party and something just hit me and while I was there lost all interest and became really sad.. Seriously my face feels like it's in a downward position permanently.. Maybe it was the ex-boyfriend talk that made me reminisce and miss very much the old life I used to hold.. Something made me feel like I didn't belong, like I wasn't really one of them..maybe I'm not.. or maybe it's just one of those days.. Because I feel truly sad.. And I don't want to be.. i mean i rarely ever.. I mean never leave a party early and today I left before really anyone.. Why is that? Am i changing or was tonight just an off night?? I hope so.. because I miss the person I used to be a little.. The outgoing person who felt like she could have anyone in the room.. was I cocky then, hell ya.. and a part of me had the right.. All this talk about not being truly loved and the lack of sex is frying my brain into oblivion.. INTO FUCKING OBLIVION.. I need out of this rut.. I need some Value Village.. and bad.. Tomorrow will be better, or at least it better be. because I don't like feeling this way and I feel like I'm just not.. I don't know.. I"m just not.. Damn it.. i need some Cat Stevens.. I need to feel something real again.. what's real? I don't know if I even know anymore.... So leaving on a good note.. I'm going to VV tomorrow!! Yeah..