February 21, 2004
Making an affirmation today.. But first gonna fill you in. Life has been, needless to say, super stressful. The play, Anne, ran well. There were fights, there were immature and unruly ( i want to slap and then strangle people) moments, there were lies, and rage. But yeah, the play ran well!! No, above all, above the Penny Miller (extremely unnecessary, bullshit and lies, rant that leads me to want to punch her face in) fiasco, above all that shit, I loved Anne. It was a once in a lifetime experience. I had the best cast and crew.. fun, fun.. AND MORE FUN!! lol. I'll stop going back there.. The play is long over, but soo many great memories. Met some of the most amazing people, had a great ASM team, and have some wonderful friends from it all. But it's done, Let's move on..
I had once had four classes, I now have three. Why, may you ask? I dropped Spanish, that's why. I love learning Spanish, soo much. But it has caused me phenomenal amounts of stress that I do not need.. I DO NOT NEED. So I am taking it easy, and breathing again. Trying to concentrate on school, but not feeling the motivation that I so desperately need. Only you can motivate yourself, I know that. But I lost that, this summer. Maybe university (general studies) is not for me. I feel like I'm drifting with no precise direction. I feel like someone else, living a life that is not mine. I feel lost. "I LOST MYSELF ALONG THE WAY".. stole it god dammit.. I stole the line.
So play, classes.. what am I forgetting.. oh right. Mark.. Let's finish this story, shall we? Mark is my friend, and Mark is from this point on, FROM THIS AFFIRMATION ON, remaining just that. I've decided that it's time to let go, for good, forever. I'm done chasing, and I'm done trying to convince. Who did I turn into? This is not me. This is not the person I am. Mark, is a good person, a friend that gives what he can by his standards (that probably only makes sense to me). He's funny, he's smart, he's a typical male (horny and sometimes stupid). He doesn't always think before he speaks, but he does care about me, despite all of it. That much I do know. But I feel things are going nowhere, and they have been for a long long time. Things (this, whatever it is/was) are over. My life is not on hold, for anyone. I gave him a chance, and that time has passed. Some people want adventure and change and hope and living in their life and some people, i guess, don't. I don't want to fall into the trap of the latter, I want to get back on my track, back on my goals and MY life. Hence.. the start of my affirmation.
I am taking back the person I was. I am no longer being ANYTHING that ANYONE else wants me to be. This is me. I drink, YES I DRINK ALCOHOL. and sometimes .ALOT OF IT. We, believe it or not, dear classmates, have entered our twenties. Meaning it's ok to drink! NO.. ALCOHOL IS NOT THE DEVIL. YES I AM DRUNK (not right now) AND IT'S O.. FUCKING K.. No.. I don't need alcohol to survive, to continue on in my daily routine. But don't be so shocked, when someone opens your eyes to this pretty little world that exists outside your bubble (Don't worry Saskatchewan, you are NOT the only ones in a bubble.. trust me, i know)
I am done with looking for something that isn't there. Bluntly, I'm done with Mark. Or at least my part in this drama is done. He can do what he'd like. No big drama let to this event, this affirmation. No big traumatic occurence, just a big realization that there is so much life to live out there, and I'm wasting it on waiting. Always waiting. Maybe I'm impatient, but my life is precious too. My decisions count too. Time seems to be always whipping by. I mean, how on earth, is it possibly almost March? Didn't I just move back here? Suddenly I have to start thinking about moving back and jobs and school for next year? Ahh.. it's all coming far too fast.
Also I want my body back. I don't care what all you nice people say. Yes, I have gained a phenomenal amount of weight.. and no, unfortunately, it's not muscle this time. I want to be where I was before, i want that part of me back as well. Who is this person? I'm not saying I'm ugly, cause most days I think I'm pretty hot.. Lol.. or at least I like to convince myself that. I believe that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes but I also believe that above all that, a person should be happy with themselves first and foremost. I have lost that always great feeling and part of my affirmation is to work to get that back. So cheer me on K.. and help me out.
Ladies and gents, great audience of mine, I love ya to death. I'm gone now, as it's time to start putting these affirmations to work. Many a lesson has been learned on this great journey of the past few months, and I regret nothing. I do regret not kissing him though. All I want is one kiss, there's no harm in that right? Right? .. just kidding guys.. Love ya and later.
So I haven't wrote a journal entry.. for a long long time. I have been so busy, it's insaneness. The play is now in it's run.. for the next two and a half weeks. It feels good to finally be in this routine feeling and to know that under the circumstances, I'm a pretty good ASM.. The fact that I can have this all organized and be able to (in a way) control the people that are also working with me. By control, I mean as patiently as I can, make sure that they are on time and listening. I am loving my job right now. It feels good to have the show in our hands and not have a director making us nervous all the time. I love our show. AS with any theatre situation/occasion/event.. this is a large amount of drama that occurs with it.. some of the drama is good and great.. wonderful friends and fun times. Other times the drama is not so good, people making rude comments, gossiping, other crap like that. But nonetheless.. it is a balance in my life that as of this week, I'm enjoying.
Today was a glorious day. I slept in until 11:00, which, if you know me, is a long time. I got up, finished watching the extended version of the Two Towers, which I love. Also watched some scenes with commentary, which I also love doing. It's so hilarious because half of the time, the actors are not even discussing the movie, instead they will start telling stories about something else, completely irrelevant to the movie. And me and Launs used to watch those sometimes because they make us laugh. They really are very hilarious.
I've had this odd realization of late. That the life I live.. being the person I am, decisions I've made... such as the amount of guys I've slept with and during what circumstances, my views on sex, how much I drink and why i find it so fun, and drugs that I've done. Is very different from the lives of the friends that I have here. Alot of the people that I know and love here are amazing people and alot of them are so pure and innocent. I dont' say this condescendingly (totally spelt wrong but I dont' care) as though that's a bad thing. They remain my friends in my heart, no matter what circumstances they live under, what rules they seem to follow, why they think the way they do. But I also realized as of late. That, save a few, most of them don't know the life I live when I'm not in BC.. (Not saying the life i live in Sask.. is a bad one, not at all, in fact, I love the life I live in Saskatchewan).. alot of them.. don't know about the one night stands, the numerous times I've been sick and throwing up from drinking, the dumb shit I do when I drink (stripping, yelling, etc.etc.), the fun stuff we do when we drink. And I feel like I'm living a double life sometimes. Because the ones that don't know about this part of my life, will most defintely be changing their image of me when they do know. I like the image of me that they think I am though. Quiet, innocent.. That's not me though. I guess they just haven't lived the way I have. AS I described it to Dale, I stepped out of the pure and innocent, idealistic but not real world, years ago. Years ago I became an adult of sorts. And I know life alot more than I think some of them do. Meaning I'm not so naive. NOt to sound snobbish or anything.. But to think that my way of living is "bad".. is wrong, is just weird and very naive. By the people i know in Saskatchewan standards, my life is pretty darn "good". It makes me laugh. And why do guys with girlfriends, always want to sleep with me? Let's leave it at that. And that's definitely a journal entry for my private entry.
Considering I haven't wrote in over a month, i'm gonna leave my journal entry at that and hopefully write more in the next few days.. I'm out.. loves and kisses
FINALLY.. finally.. i changed my website rant.. Sorry to all that wanted so long to read it.. I have been a tad preoccupied.. And LAUNA YOU LIED!.. it is 2:00 your time and you didn't call and walk me from my bedtime.. You are sooo evil.. Meh.. I'll survive.
So I am finally done my school this semester.. It feels good. It was such a relief after my presentation on Wednesday. To know that i was virtually done.. Now just one more rehearsal run through to get through and then I leave BC for THREE WHOLE GLORIOUS WEEKS!.. and i"M sooo excited for it. I can not wait to go.. Soon I will be getting on that plane and seeing my friends and family again.. I MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH!
The power is flickering here and it is making me nervous. I better not lose this page.. i will be angry. I put this thing on my computer called Webshots Desktop and you put gorgeous professional pictures as your desktop wallpaper. I was finding all these Christmas scenes to get me in the mood and kittens cause they are cute.. Then there was this horse picture and when i looked closer it appeared that the horse had these whip scars on it's face. And it made me sad. I seriously had tears in my eyes. And then i laughed because it was funny that I was that emotional over a picture. But i thought about how maybe that owner beats their horse and I was angry over that. I am an odd duck, I tell ya.
Also here's something else i find amusing and terrifying all at the same time. Showering in my house is like a life and death situation every day. I have no bath mat and it's like the tub is made of the most slippery substance they could find.. So I am constantly almost falling to my death everytime I shower in there. I fear one day I will fall and crack my head on the pretty blue tile surrounding the tub and no one will find me for days. Scary.. Yes this amuses me because I still avoid buying a bath mat. Why, may you ask? ,... Because I once saw a bath mat priced at like $15.00 and I have ignored the bath mat situation every since. I'm sure you could find one for less, but I am far too amused by my near death experiences.
Today I watched the second year monologues and I thought they were really good. For some strange reason it made me want to act. I know. I know.. I constantly state I am a techie and not an actress.. but I think deep down there is a part of me that wants to act. Maybe just a little. Maybe I will take an acting class at the U of R.. If i ever get around to applying that is. I haven't put the effort towards that lately so it scares me a little. I'm not as eager as I should be. I dont know why.
I don't have much else to write for now. I really wanted to get this website updated and changed before i left to come home since my parent's computer is the computer from hell. But now I've run out of time and I'm doubting tomorrow will allow for that, what with all the cleaning and packing I have to do. And it being after midnight tonight already. So this might be the last rant I do for awhile. We'll see how the computer is running back at home.. But until the next one.. Adios Amigos.. I LOVE YOU ALL!!
Today I felt really good about today and I still do but I do admit that I gained a bit of a dread. I recently asked my friend Mark if he read this webpage and he told me he doesn't. So I feel free to tell you something now. Here is my story about Mark.
Mark is a friend that i met when he made my computer. At first we just exchanged emails and talked about friendly stuff, then I got the internet here and it lead into many discussions on MSN which is pretty much the only way we communicate anymore. Through MSN and emails. As me and Mark talked we realized that we were attracted to one another and felt very comfortable sharing intimate details of our lives. I can honestly say I've shared things with him that I havent' told anyone. He lets me be myself and I found myself wanting more than just a friendship.. The problem of course, being my consistent downfall, Mark has a girlfriend. Supposebly one he is not happy with but I guess happiness isn't what's important right?
Do I sound bitter? I think that I am a little.. I will explain further. Mark and I would talk for hours about ways we would change our lives, about sex and details about what we would do to each other given the chance, about parts of our past that bring pain, about things that make us laugh. The frustration of not being able to be with someone that I felt that close to caused me to make a choice and decide where it was going to go. So finally me and him discussed that and in a way, I got my heart broken. And I'm still feeling those reprecussions. Mark tells me that at this point, our friendship is all we can have .. that he's not ready to just pack up and leave his girlfriend that he's had for a long time.. And i can't help but feel deceived. I told him he didn't lead me on but he did. And the worst part is I let him. Even though I knew the outcome. I think I just had too much hope ya know. That maybe someone loved me like that. Not saying I've lost that, but sometimes it is a tad depressing.
The worst part of it all, is that now I dont know if I trust him anymore. Jaime said that I shouldn't lay it on the line until I was ready to hear the answer, good or bad. And she was right, I wasn't ready. And I , in a way, regret it. Things are kinda different now between me and him. I get jealous when he mentions his girlfriend. Not to mention if he talks about her and sex in the same context.. Never something I want to hear again. Is that at least understandable? That's not unreasonable is it? ...I find myself starting to question our friendship now too..It's not that I take this so seriously.. These are only thoughts that occasionally cross my mind. I feel myself starting to resent him, because I'm making an effort to be interested in his life as a friend, but I feel like he doesn't want to know me anymore.. Usually when someone asks you questions, and if you are interested and a good listener, you ask about their life.. Makes sense doesn't it? ... The basis of a good friendship.. Mind you I find that's tending to be the way with alot of my friends.. I may ask over the phone or on MSN, how their day is or what their plans are and they'll describe to me but sometimes won't bother asking about mine.. I always think wow... are you not even interested in my life anymore, or is yours the only one that matters?
I think that alot of people neglect too many things in their lives until it's too late. They neglect what really counts in order to hang on to something that is only in your life briefly. I think alot of people assume things will be better "later".. When is "later"? maybe later will never come.. Maybe tomorrow will be the last day for all those laters.. Ever think about that? Ever think that maybe you won't be given the luxury of time anymore? Maybe we all think too often on the future and don't live for today... in the present.. Throw away those FUCKING LATERS! Do it now! Do it now God Dammit... you never know what lies in the tomorrow.. You don't and neither do I ..
Hmmm.. HELLO! I am listening to Boney M.. Christmas songs. Does it get better? You know you all want to rock out and dance in the living room with me and KiKI to Feliz Navidad and Mary's Boy Child..God, this is fun. Especially on my sick and I'm not moving from the couch day. I can't hear out of my right ear, but the left ear is enjoying some BONEY M. "Oh my lord, you sent your son to save us..".. i realized how extremely ironic and hypocritical I am being at this very moment.
I am listening to these songs with lyrics like "OH Praise the Lord and this day will live forever" while reading an article on atheism. How hilarious is that! I think it's not that I listen to these songs for their lyrics and believe in them. It's more that I listen to these songs because they remind me of Christmas and memories with my family. Watching the snow fall outside as me and mom bake cookies while listening to Boney M. I miss those times.. Soon it will happen.
But back to my atheism talk. I am an atheist. There is no denying that or going around the issue or saying it as though it is a bad word. I do not believe. The terms "atheist" and "agnostic" are words of great debate and people for some reason find that they need to define the two as two seperate things. An atheist is said to simply not believe that gods exist. And I've read that an agnostic is someone who believes that we do not know for sure whether God exists. And some agnostics believe we can never know. I don't see the point in defining between the two. I know what I am.. I don't need to define it to one word.
But I have been trying to define who I am to myself over this past year regarding religion and my beliefs. I started to think that I'm somewhat of a hypocrite because I say I do not believe in God or Jesus, yet I celebrate holidays like Christmas and Easter. But then I realized that I don't see these holidays are religious, instead I see them as traditions and family and friend gatherings, a celebration in life and who we are. It does not bother me that this "holiday" stemmed from belief in God and Jesus. It is not the way I view it.
Also i've been struggling with how my not believing in God can create a moral belief in myself. Does not believing in God's rules make me have no morals? The answer is no. And this quote explains it all, "Atheists view morality as something created by humans, according to the way humans feel the world 'ought' to work, rather than seeing it as a set of rules decreed by a supernatural being". I read that and I was like.. Yes!..That's what I believe. I believe that we do need morals because without it we would have chaos. And the fact that these morals came from a belief that if rules were not followed, a punishment would result from God, does not mean that I believe in God. We are taught to fear punishment and to love reward. It is only natural. Yet I believe that we would still govern this way, even if we didn't assume the punishment itself came from God. Because then isn't the justice system "playing God" on it's own? .. quite the debate, I must say.
I also quite enjoyed this statement. "This 'God' exists in a person's mind and it is not something which atheists will dispute. Atheists agree that gods exist as ideas in people's minds - the disagreement lies over whether any gods actually exist independently of human beliefs." .. Also something I agree with. God is an idea in your mind, it is nothing more. I do not have this idea. It is not something that occupies my brain cells. But it is interesting to me. I still want and sometimes need to know why people believe. I have no urge to convert anyone. You can believe what you want. It makes me curious.
How much of what we do and feel is an action in our minds? Would i really still be sick if I simply told myself that I wasn't? How much of our physical existence is determined by our minds? It is obvious that our muscles can not get bigger by simply telling them to and deep down believing that it will happen. I can not lose weight by letting my mind say lose weight and then it's gone? So why do people say that some forms of sickness are in the mind? Cancer does not form from the mind telling it to. So why is depression or a cold said to be a sickness that can be cured by slowing down stress or relaxing on the couch for a day?
I believe I am done writing for the day. This felt good. I might try to will away my cold later. But for now. I am very contemplative. And I have this urge to volunteer at the hospital. I don't know why. But I shall go now and read some more. Maybe start filling out that new survey. We'll see how things go.. Goodbye
So I have no toilet.. You may be asking, "What do you mean, you have no toilet?".. I can not use my washroom facilities.. nor can I use the shower, nor can I use the sink or the kitchen sink anymore.. The pump is broken, burnt out or something. Now for most normal people, this would not be a problem.. But for all of you who know me, I have a very small bladder.. AND THIS SITUATION SUCKS!! ... Remember when the doctor told me it's just psychological and that I have to train myself to hold it so my bladder gets larger? Yeah.. i didn't listen.. and now nothing has changed.. So I still have to go to the bathroom often... Which I can not do in my current situation.. So since I can not use my toilet I have to go to various other places to use their washrooms... Such as when I go to school I use the washroom there before i leave.. or Yesterday... I went to the gas station and pretended I was buying something.. And then before i went to Tim HOrton's... NOw after this longish rant, you may be asking "Why the hell are you writing a rant about where you have to go the bathroom?!?"
And my answer... possibly because I'm tired of writing about the stress in my life, or about the guy that is confusing me like crazy. I dont' have much to say today except that I am having these headaches that don't go away.. I'm starting to get scared. too paranoid I believe.. It's only over one eye and it's like my eyeball is on freakin fire. I'm hoping it's not my contacts because then I have to get new ones and I just started this months'. I was disappointed in someone lately. I've had three people ask me this past week, "If i have a boyfriend yet".. Like he's coming in the mail or something.. Or like I'm desperately trying to find one.. And they have to add the word 'YET'.. Like damn girl.. get on it.. Time's a runnin out. Like I'm 30 or 40 and not 20.. Do I really want a freakin husband right now.. NO DAMMIT.... Actually can you hear the undertones of bitterness in my voice.. I pretend like it doesn't bother me at all but it does a little.. I have to admit that much.. I do miss that feeling of being wanted.. and ok.. i'm gonna end this topic now. Time to go.. trying to get back to work. LOVES...
OK this is computer is being fucking weird.. It's not italicing.. Ok.. there .. now I think it's working.. and hopefully it doesn't change back again.. Oddness.. So this is a not normal time for me.. I will explain
I have been unusually stressed this semester.. and I don't know what it is.. Maybe last year I didn't really have my mind on guys at all, I was concentrating on school work and trying just to get away from that mindset for awhile but now I have this other part of my life causing me stress. Possibly because I really have no control over the outcome.. I really don't.. I mean I guess I could take control by deciding to just walk away from the situation but I really don't want to.. I don't..
And this being Assistant Stage Manager for Anne is driving me absolutely crazy. I love working backstage but I can not stand working with immature and unruly people. I am forced to collaborate through my position with someone who is not helping me out with my situation at all.. My director wants a certain rehearsal costume.. she says no.. You don't need that.....She's driving me nuts. I stress about having to see her.. Everytime I enter that room, it's like I have this instant headache.. And now sadly I'm dreading rehearsals because I don't want to know that the next day I will have to go talk to her.. And i know she hates me.. because she just does..That's the kind of person she is.. It's like she looks forward to hating people.. I know I should just take charge and lay down the line and let her know that this is what my director wants and this is what should be done, But I also know that if I act out against her all mighty word she will make the rest of my ASM time a living fucking hell.. So what to do.... Most of the things we've had to do are things that could be easily resolved if only the director and wardrobe manager would sit down and have a ten minute conversation.. BUT NOO.. i have to act as this middle man where they both rant about how the other one is wrong.. And I feel like just saying FUCK.. go talk to each other. .. BUT I KNOW THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS IN THEATER... sadly.. it's just that this is causing me more stress than I'd like... I was even getting massive headaches and passing out the other night because of it.. But that's not all folks..
Let's discuss what else is adding to my stress level.. I have a fashion drawing FINAL in a week and a half----i don't understand how we can have a final when we haven't been taught anything. I have two art projects due in like a week and a half / two weeks .. but neither are started.. Why aren't they started? Mostly because I'm stupid and this stress and no energy are pulling me down.. AND I FUCKING HATE IT!! I am uninspired on either project and I feel forced.. Why am I always feeling forced? .. maybe Art isn't a career for me, maybe it's a hobby and that's why I feel like I'm being forced.. . I've developed this disgust for authority for some reason.. I don't feel like my teachers are worthy of putting authority on me.. I know why.. MAYBE BECAUSE I'VE PAID OVER $1000 AND I HAVEN'T LEARNED A THING.. ALL SEMESTER.... This is why I'm going back to taking some history, English and Spanish next semester.. Then I'll actually feel like I'm getting my money's worth.. I know that i need to slow down and possibly this half hour that I've spend writing this rant isn't helping me to manage my time very well but it was well needed...
I'm going to Theatresports tonight.. so that should releave (that's not right, but I don't care) some stress.. Make me laugh.. I think that I'm stressed because I haven't been laughing enough.. I am missing someone alot...It's been a month now.. That's far too long... I'm going to make today a better day.. starting now..
So me and Corianne hadn't hung out in ages.. Decided to get the hell out of Chilliwack and go exploring.. Literally.. WE just got in the car.. well sorta.. and took off with only one goal in mind.. TO RIDE THE SKYTRAIN!! ? Now it may sound like everyday stuff to some people but we've been looking forward to it for a bit.. Or.. I mean... at least I have.. Took off for Surrey and stopped at Boston Pizza for some lunch because ever since my interview there last week.. I've been reliving old times at BP's and craving the food.. Lunch was good and then we watched these weight lifter guys lifting some stupid thing and they looked soo stupid. .. Afterwards we discussed what actually makes a sport.. Concluding that that shit was not a sport and that a sport requires some sort of skill or talent. Good discussion..
We asked the waitress where the Skytrain station was and she's like which one.. We both say "Oh whatever, we just want to ride it" .. She proceded to look at us as if we were crazy. Finally we got there and man, was it fun! I was a little nauseous when we first got on.. kinda like being on a rollercoaster.. But yeah, then it was like flying.. I mean i had a blast.. Small things amuse me.. I'm not hard to please!! Rode around.. these two older and obviously drunken guys got on at the same time.. The man beside me was making small talk like "This is fun heh" and "So does this train go to Hawaii?" We laughed but I had my fist ready to sock him had he been too stupid.. Don't mess with me.. That man must have had quite the time...Thought he was a stud, I told Corianne she should have gone home with him.. The guy across the way agreed..
Now this guy was possibly our age, possibly a bit younger, I doubt any older.. But damn he was good looking.. Quite the lust I felt for this boy... Was nice to think of someone else for awhile.. And he liked my pin "Repeat Sinner".. Which I'm starting to get scared is some freakin gang slogan or something (since it is supposebly spraypainted everywhere). I was wishing I lived in Surrey for a moment.. Wishing that I'd run into that guy on the Skytrain again. Instead yet another handsome stud has come and gone and left my life forever.. Damn this luck of mine. Mmm.. The skytrain was lookin pretty damn eventful..
We decided to get off around Science World where I discovered the most insanely stupid setup in a McDonald's restaurant ever. Please, I wish someone would explain this to me.. There is a sign near the washrooms that say "For Customers use only". . Now the door leading into the washroom has this automated lock thing and a doorbell near by.. To enter the washroom you must ring the buzzer and then they buzz the fucking door open.. I mean really.. What the hell is going on?? Do they hire some kid to sit by a buzzer and wait for the customer to ring the doorbell and then he buzzes the door open ALL FUCKING DAY LONG? I can not believe how incredibly dumb this is.. I was almost going to take a picture.. It amazed me and amused me that damn much.. I still have no idea as to it's purpose.. Upon being granted access to this bathroom.. I expected to find some jewel encrusted sinks and toilets and satin toilet paper.. but instead found this incredible mess.... Toilet paper everywhere.. One stall out of order.. One in order but with no toilet paper.. and.. One with toilet paper but a door that does not close... To top it all off.. There is a big ass Ronald McDonald sign on the mirror that says.. "If our bathroom is not sparkling, please alert the manager".. And i'm like HOLY FUCK.. YOU EXPECT THIS TO EVER BE SPARKLING AGAIN!?! And what? Has no one alerted you in over a month, or what buddy? ... I'm not the queen of cleanliness but this was far too fucking amusing.... Now Corianne asked why I don't want to work at McDonald's...
More skytrain rides....Some shopping and back on the train.. Sadly, because we have such great luck.. The Skytrain copper was checking tickets.. WE.. had bought tickets earlier and knew damn well the expiry time but thought we'd try it anyways. We were very mistaken.. Skytrain Copper was kinda pissed at us.. But me and Corianne.. I tell ya.. We played the "oh we're just dumb girls from Chilliwack" bit to the fucking limits. (I even added in the "Oh it's my first time on the Skytrain, I'm from Saskatchewan" and he looked at me like.. you dumb hick) ..Anywho.. we got escorted off and because we are so damn hot and I think he was trying to pick up Corianne ( YOU LUCKY GIRL YOU!).. he let us go with a warning and made us go buy new tickets.. Then he decided he would make small talk with us about camping at Cultus Lake.. I told ya Corianne..HE WANTS TO LIGHT A FIRE WITH YOU BABY!! YEAH! lol.. ah yes.. i amuse myself..
SO THAT CONCLUDED MY DAY ON THE SKYTRAIN.. QUITE EVENTFUL I MUST SAY.. OH AND ALSO THE JELLYBEAN TASTETESTING GAME... GOOD TIMES.. LOVES! NOS VEMOS!
It is later at night and I can not do my homework.. How can I think of a thing like set design when I am so so angry? And I feel SO CHEATED! I still have this flow of adrenaline running through me.. I swear that my heart is pumping still.. And it's been like what three hours since the game was over.. But really we only stopped talking about it an hour and a half ago. So here's my recap of the night..
The game between Edmonton and Saskatchewan started... For the first half, I was half watching and half doing research on the computer.. Also hearing that we were losing terribly.. I found it hard to watch... I was disappointed in our team.. It made me sad.. At half time.. I grabbed a cappucino and came back to a message on my machine.. My mother had called, so I called her and we discussed the sad state of the score.. As we were talking.. The Eskimos "supposebly" scored a touchdown.. THIS IS WHERE THE RAGE ENSUED... RESEARCH WAS PUT ON HOLD... CHEERING WAS NEEDED..
I got off the phone and preceded to scream and yell.. "You lying mother fuckers" to the refs. This was the lamest call of the entire game. HOW CAN YOU CALL A TOUCHDOWN WHEN YOU ARE NOT CERTAIN THAT THE BALL HAS CROSSED THE LINE?!?! i mean.. what the fuck!? It's obvious that that fucking ball did not cross the goddam touchdown line.... There was no score.. No Fucking Score...Even the announcers drew a picture on the screen depicting how incredibly wrong the ref's call was. So Edmonton was awarded 7 points that they did not earn... Do they feel no shame? It was horrible.... I was extremely pissed.. And I'm still in disbelief...
so yadda yadda.. I continued to watch.. Come to the third quarter end and Saskatchewan was down 30-2..I was in agony..But I did not give up hope.. Extremely disappointed at our defense and wanting to kill Ricky Ray (although he's a good player .. but too good dammit).. I continued cheering for my dear home province.. Cause we kick ass.. win or lose.. I said to them simply.. "you guys can lose... I'm ok with that... But at least dont lose this pathetically.. At least get one touchdown.. At least make them cocky bastards a little scared.. Make em worry"... And then suddenly.. BAAmmm.. it's like they heard me. And preceded with the most amazing comeback!! That had me on my feet the whole fourth quarter.. Such an awesome drive!!
Three touchdown run!! It was fucking amazing.. The short kick.. turnover.. #33 (ha, jaime.. it's my number.. yeah 33!! ...who's 33?).. bringin it in for the touchdown. Good shit.. Never have I been more proud of our Riders! Proved that we don't give up.. WE don't just lie down and say yeah you won.. it's over.. At least we made 'em shake.. Made those Edmonton pricks scared shitless.. Dumb mother fuckers... How dare they underestimate us? And the last call.. with the refs taking our second short kick away from us with when we had a whole 20 seconds to win the game.. That was bullshit.. How Saskatchewan of Danny Barrett to yell and scream and cause shit.. Almost start some fist fights.. Beautiful!! What a shining moment... I had tears of pride..
Yeah we lost.. but does that really matter?.. I know that we can't blame the two ref's calls on our loss.. it was our fault.. It was a horrible first three quarters that we played.. Horrible defense.. But we played a good game in that last fourth quarter.. We showed some true Saskatchewan Pride.. I loved that game.. Not disappointed one bit... And I can't wait for next season.. SEASON TICKETS BABY YEAH!!!
What made me more proud was watching all the Edmonton fans leave the stadium about a quarter of the way through the fourth quarter.. They thought the game was done.. They were wrong.. It makes me proud to be a Saskatchewan fan.... because there are no other fans in the world like us.. WE ARE CRAZY AND IF YOU'RE A TRUE FAN.. YOU LOVE OUR TEAM, WIN OR LOSE.. And we cheer to the last fucking second of every game.. A true fan does not leave their team early in order to get out of the parking lot first.. A true fan sticks it until the end... THE RIDERS ROCK.. AND WE ARE AWESOME... TRUE PRIDE.. I'm going to start a page on this.. oooh.. how fun..
I still have this amazing adrenaline.. but I'm out and I love you Saskatchewan.. I miss you..Loves and Kisses
I know that I have changed recently. I don't really know what it is.. It is a bit of sadness and anger at my situation. But I do know that I have changed. This new part of me I don't necessarily like. But at the same time I do.. because I am being true to myself.. But it hurts. It hurts to be me sometimes.. I don't know what this means really.. Possibly I am in a state of confusion. Confused as to why I put myself in this position all the time.. I set myself up for pain by putting too much meaning into something that should have no meaning at all. I am naive. I believe that there are people in my life that really aren't there at all.. They don't really want to know me.. Otherwise they would ask, right? Wouldn't you ask if you wanted to know someone? I've had someone recently who told me all about themselves, but didn't really ask about me. This doesn't make me mad, just makes me wonder.
I don't want to read too far into the way that people talk. I don't want to assume something.. But I don't want to ask. I'd be more obvious in my writing when I tell you this people.. But i dont know who reads this and who is listening to my thoughts.. Normally I would journal this privately but I hate censoring myself. I hate not letting my thoughts be known even if it is to no one.. Even if no one comes to this page before I change it again. Maybe I just want to be heard because I feel misunderstood. Maybe the person I write this to, reads these rants, and maybe that's why it has changed. Maybe that's why it's different.. If that is the case, fuck it.. Then you never did want to know me.. Then again, maybe I don't know what i"m talking about..
I don't like living here. I will be honest. Life has changed. I have good friends here who make me laugh, who go see movies with me, who listen when I rant about nothing. And I do love them. Please don't take this the wrong way.. But I am bored. I want to go out and drink. My friends here don't go out. They don't go to the bar every weekend.. I MISS THE ROYAL!! I miss getting wasted and seeing everyone I know in the same bar. I just want to have some fun.. And it's not all about drinking.. It's about meeting new people and doing things I've never done before. It's about just letting go of inhibitions for once. Drinking by yourself is never fun, unless it's shots over the phone.. BUT WE HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN AGES!!! .. i miss shots on the phone.. JAIME!!!!! SHOTS!!
I want to play drinking games, I want to play death. DEATH! (for all of you who don't know.. it's a game people.)
The above rant (near the top) makes me sound sad and not confident of myself... But in reality I'm not.. I'm more pissed off than anything.. And pissed off at myself.. not necessarily at someone else. I'm confident in that I know I deserve better than the treatment I'm receiving.. I just wish it wasn't so scarce. That reality. That there is something else better out there. Meh.. I'm getting tired of this.. Tired of making this part of my life a priority.. Fuck it.. No more concentration on this part.. Life is too short for worry, or stress or being mad.. I'm just going to be me and either that's dealt with or not.. You're gonna like it or not.. Either way.. I'm living this way now..
Tim Horton's honestly scares me.. I think they have some sort of new management strategy or something.. AND IT SUCKS ROYALLY... I mean, what the hell is "Help us with our Indy Race" anyways.. I feel like I gotta have the exact change before the window or they'll rip my head off.. They scare me. I don't like to be rushed... I mean the psychos have got like 6 arms out the window throwing stuff in my car.. Mom said I should just drive by slowly and grab my coffee on the way.. chuck a toonie through the window and run.. I feel like clapping my hands when I get to the window.. YOu know.. LIKE GO GO GO GO.. TIMING PEOPLE.. WE'RE ON A TIGHT SCHEDULE.. And what's even funnier is that they do this even like late at night when there is NOOOOO lineup and absolutely no cars behind me. And i'm like ..AHHHH..WHAT'S THE RUSH.. Next time I go.. I'm gonna go r e a l s l o w .. and see what they do.. Fuck, that will be fun. I mean I'm always in a daze after this spectacle and then I laugh right at the window and they all probably feel like morons... I mean, I know it's not their fault ( the workers ).. i know that it's the management forcing them on this new strategy.. but Hell I'd rather have some customer service instead of super speed. Whoever came up with this management theory is a moron.. I should write Tim Horton's and complain.. I wonder if they have this same thing IN the store.. creepy.. i'm even thinking of avoiding that one store but it does put a smile on my face.. And then I spend the drive back to my house mocking them.. This is how i get my joys.. Good shit
I have to start my set design project now.. It's due tomorrow and after this, I"m gonna be in tears with relief and relaxation. Three major projects all finished tomorrow.. And only one more month of school.. I'm ready to be done.
How naive are we all? How naive am I? Do I imagine a world that is more in my favor? Do I think that something is happening when it really isn't? Do I keep telling myself that there is something there? That I'm not just imagining this? I'm afraid to ask.. Afraid to hear the answer.. Because when I want something.. I don't want to hear no.. I want to hear yes. I want to hear my thoughts reflected back to me.. I want to hear that I am important.. Why are people so afraid to be known? What is so hard about opening yourself up?
funny quote i just heard on TV
Bobby Hill.. My sloppa joe is all sloppa.. and no joe!
Go to this website and listen to the word.. DYNOMITE!
http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail81.html
so hilarious.. brings me tears..