Yesterday I had more fun than I've had in awhile. Although the constant getting out to push the canoe and get my pants soaking wet dampered the mood a bit, it was still so much fun! I felt like swimming. And I felt strong sometimes. I like to feel that way, like I have some muscle on my body. I love that I have the opportunity to do some many wonderful things in my life. I mean how many people can say that this Sunday they went canoeing with two of their friends and a group of awesome people down a gorgeous river in the middle of the mountains. And I did this through my school. Through the SOLAR (Student Outdoor Life and Recreation) Club. But what is sad, is that of the 5,000 people that go to my school, only 8 or 9 people were there. I mean, I knew we lacked any hint of school spirit, but that was pretty sad. I was fairly disappointed in UCFV at that moment. And what's worse is that I doubt we'll even get a slight mention in our school paper, instead the pages will be filled with political and philosophical rants. Which mind you, I don't mind reading, but i know a ton of other students that can't stand our paper. Why don't we talk about the school more? I would write to the paper, but I've learned from others' experience that that would only get me mocking and rude comments from the editors.
Wow.. but besides that rant from me on the paper, life is going good. I have the urge to work out now, now that I've felt again what it's like to be strong and aware of my body. A man from the past that I met only once before entered my mind again for some reason and I started to wonder if I gave up the opportunity to be with that person. Because I was told he was interested in me. Now that almost a year has passed, I became interested in him, but now (once again) have found out that he is with someone else. Now I'm scared that I only suddenly became attracted to him because he was unavailable. My pattern does not change....
I don't want to write a long rant today because I pretty much just don't feel like it. I am tired at looking at this computer screen, trying to figure out how to draw flames.. i suck at them ok, but i need to for my sculpture project. which I'm excited about. Hopefully it will turn out well.. I'm looking forward to it. I feel very creative and artistic this semester and I'm loving it. Maybe it's because I have all art classes now and I don't have to write even one essay or report or research project! I know, my life is tough. But why torture myself with those stupid classes, if it's not what i want to do. In fashion drawing, we had a live model and it was the first time I've drawn from that and what i didn't expect was that I'd actually be pretty good at it. Not to brag or anything but I've always been scared of the extent of my ability and now I'm really proud that I am actually good at something.
Also being nostalgic, on the road I drive by to get to the highway, I pass a small acreage and they have the most beautiful horse that reminds me of my days with Fancy and Rosey and how much joy that brought to my life. I want to ride horses again. I miss that feeling. Corianne and my mom both said I should just go knock on their door and ask if I can ride their horse in exchange for chores done or something. But I laughed and said wouldn't you be scared if a stranger just came up to you and asked if they could ride your horse. I mean, how weird. But I am stuck, although I've heard there are places that you can go and "rent" the horse for the day to ride on their trails (for cheap, I mean, not a guided trail ride). If anyone knows, please help me out.. joy joy joy joy
I am trying really hard to not be bitter. I think that I wasn't really bitter, I was just seriously lacking self confidence. And I still am at the moment a little but I've decided to change that. I'm going to get my life back. And I'm going to get myself back. Sounds dramatic but that's me in a nutshell.
I'm recalling a time when me and Jaime were coming back from Regina from a day of shopping (loads of fun by the way) and we were making the motion to truck drivers to pull their horn. And then when they did, we'd cheer and laugh and that seriously made my day. And I remember saying.. you know what, the hell with growing up. That simple childish thing we just did brought so much joy and happiness to my life. If that is something I have to give up in order to be called a "grownup", then fuck that. I'm sick and tired of people giving up their fun because they think it's not "adult-like". Me and Corianne went to the Agassiz (spelling..) Fair on Saturday and had an awesome time playing the games, and winning toys, and kicking people out of our races! We cheered and yelled and made lots of noise and just didn't care. It was fun and it made me happy. So I say, the hell with growing up. Of course, there are the obvious things an adult should do (pay rent, a job) but I will never lose my spirit. I will never give up my fun so I can gain the title of "grown-up". I will always be a kid at heart and I need to find a guy like that. Someone who throws away all logic at times and just follows his heart and his instincts. But I'm not going to look for him, he needs to find me.. As of today, people, I am loving life! ..
I have had a bad last week. I don't know what it is really. I must walk around with a scowl on my face or have done something wrong to the people in the theatre department. Because alot of the time I feel like people say hi to you and then turn their head and scowl. And I'm like, "Wow.. am i really that not interesting or do you truly despise me that much?" And then I thought about it and think, heh.. maybe i'm overreacting. Maybe i just think I see this. I don't know. I'm so confused. It seems like those who I thought were friends of mine really maybe aren't too friendly toward me at all. Maybe they see me as not friendly toward them.
Am I really that bitter lately? A friend wrote and said that she gets a bitter feeling from my emails. I hate feeling this way. I mean, I don't want to be like that. I don't want people to think that's the kind of person I am. Because deep down, I'm not. And i guess if you take the time to know me, you'd know that. But would you take the time to get to know an unfriendly face? I doubt I would. I think that today along with the past few days have been down days. I don't feel like myself. I feel sad, tired, worried, weighed down, someone with no time. I feel lost. I need to find myself again.
I am homesick and I miss feeling the love all the time. I know people that like me here but not many that love me yet. Love me and worry about me and miss me. My sculpture should be interesting. It's based on love, past relationships, new love, unconditional love. Do you get where I'm going with this? ... life is at a standstill..
I am in my school's computer room and what is really great is they actually have newer computers which means it doesn't take me a half an hour to check my email anymore. And I can actually fill out a rant at school and have it done within five minutes. So I'm excited.. yes.. this is what gets me excited nowadays.. not that kind of excited.. dammit.. I'm going to stop talking now.
My school is going good which I'm no longer stressing about. I didn't think I had any creativity but now i know I do. I think I have good ideas. I'm excited for this semester now and reading the UofR calendar, I'm excited for next year and becoming more advanced in my field. I can't wait to be in a program that is exactly what I want. To finally have some basis as to my career. To be a tad bit closer to graduating from university. To start paying off this massive debt. But I'm not worried about the money, just living for today. Because although I have so much shit to do today, it's a good day. I'm going to look at computers later and buy some art supplies and then of course do the miles of reading for my damn stage design class.. (150 pages in one week).
I once again miss the people in my life from before.. they are still in my life but so very far away. I feel like I've been neglecting our friendships because I have no phone. So I'm sorry.. Phone conversations will happen this weekend ok.. Phone hookup is Friday. KiKi has converted to her old ways.. knocking stuff off. She will be beaten..maybe.. i"m not cruel, it's discipline.. she is evil.. .. i love you all.. updates soon I promise..byeby