I get the most AMAZING high from watching the football game. Such an awesome feeling of pride and joy. Maybe it's because I'm missing my hometown, I'm missing people that hold memories with me and that really love me. I'm missing the crazy wild nature of Saskatchewan people. Or it's that I just love football. That watching games on a Sunday bring so many good memories for me. I love cheering and dancing around in my basement suite, even if it is all by myself. I love that in those few moments after a touchdown or an unreal play, everything feels blank. All thoughts sorta just drift away and I'm left with this adrenaline pumping through my system. This surreal feeling of joy and emotion. I wish I had someone that shared that passion with me. I mean here with me, to share that passion. Can you imagine, what an amazing feeling it would be, to spend a Sunday, watching football and having sex right in the living room? I don't know why I thought of this that way. Maybe because the feelings are similar. Two different types of euphoria. Then combined to one, for an absolutely breathtaking experience. I'm getting shivers just thinking about it.
While I was sitting watching the game, I recalled my family reunion this summer and how me and John were bored when we first arrived.. Actually prior to this (since alcohol wasn't being served until like 3:00 or something), me and my bro decided to start the party early and get bombed in order to deal with our family reunion (that at times we knew would be a sort of trial). So I drank a bottle of wine (that cheap stuff) and he had a good chunk of a 40 of vodka. When we first got to the school grounds, we decided to play some football. And it was sooo fucking hilarious.. I was being the quarterback and calling out play numbers (or whatever the hell they yell out before throwing the ball) and then running in circles and then we were throwing long passes (which we obviously missed, being extremely bombed and all) and we had so much fun.. Here's some more good LaLonde Family Reunion memories:
--- Mike.. "Where's my shoe?"
--- El Capitan -- who the hell is that kid?
--- Mike ripping John's duct taped pants
--- Mine and Jaime's karoake to Goodbye Earl -- totally on key of course
--- running into Curt's truck
--- ME BEING THE HORSESHOE CHAMP!!!
--- Getting doused with water from Harley or John
--- My adventure in the school library and the next morning
--- Playing full contact soccer after midnight -- no lights
--- Shaking the porta potty when Curt was in it
--- John hitting his head on the TV in the pool room ---Why won't you turn on..
I have tears.. This is so funny. Such a good time. Especially the football part... Gotta love the LaLonde's. We know how to have a good time. I"M out peoples.. Today is an awesome day!!
I am avoiding doing my sculpture because I am afraid. I am avoiding going to class on time because I don't like restrictions. Work on your sculpture from 1 to 3. NO.. I want to work from 2 to 4 thank you. No actually I just got thrown way off track because I realized that if I didn't do my laundry this morning it wouldn't have gotten done for the next three days so I had to. So then what I had scheduled got fucked. And I could be driving to class right now but I'm not. I'm writing this rant.. And listening to Ben Harper. I have a dreadful feeling. I made a realization yesterday. It goes like this.
Sometimes I couldn't understand why my friends felt like they couldn't talk to me. But now I know that they were afraid. Afraid to say the wrong thing because they knew if they did, I would blow up at them. And it was true. Because I just did it recently. To a friend of mine who I felt was being unfair and rude. So as a defense against losing a portion of self-confidence, I went raging and said spiteful things that I didn't really mean. Obviously because now.. three days later, after sharing a laugh with this person, I regret saying them. This summer I did a similar thing to my best friend, twice. And I remember thinking why didn't they stop me from drunk driving that night, didn't they care about me? And I realized that they did, alot. But my wrath was more scary. Because I have a temper. And why would they listen to me rant and yell at them. I wouldn't have stood for that either. And how grateful I am to them, that they, unbelieveably, put that part of me behind them and know I love them. At least I hope they know. I want to see them. I miss them.. I LOVE YOU GUYS.. But my point of this rant, is that I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to blow up and blow things out of proportion because I don't do this all the time, but when I do, I know the reprecussions are endless. I don't want to be viewed like that.
How long should someone hold on the something they can't have? How deep should i let myself fall? Because If I fall too long and someone doesn't eventually catch me, it makes it twice as hard to climb back up. Twice as hard to start that fall over again. I don't know if I really want to fall at all. For once, I want someone to hold me before that fall. To tell me, there is no one else. That the eyes they see from, fall on me alone. That I am the center of their universe. Not the extra part on the outside. Not the one waiting. My life is not on hold. But sometimes it pauses for too long and I get thrown off track. I want someone to walk beside my track, not always send me off course. I want what we all want, what we all strive for everyday, what occupies our brains and fills our hearts. I want love.
I decided that I really want to change my life. Starting today. No more slacking off, or pretending like I got my life all in order and really just end up slacking off. This isn't like me. Today is the day that I want to be a different me. I don't want to be friends with everybody. I want to learn to develop deeper friendships with the ones I have. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not going to invite new people in. That just means I'm going to learn more about the ones that mean the most to me. I want to really know them and I want them to know me. I want to never hold back a topic of discussion with any of my friends. I want them to feel like they can ask me anything and tell me anything. I want to take everything said to me with the feeling that there is the best intention behind it. Unless of course, it's blatantly obvious that their best intention is not behind it. Like swearing to my face, or calling me stupid, or saying I'm a freak (and meaning it in a bad insulting and serious way).
I want to learn more, not worry as much, do the things on my goddamn FUCKING LIST!! Not just write down and wish for it one day. I want to make it happen. I want to get to know a guy without thinking of ways to talk to him that won't scare him off. I want to just talk. I'm not even going to think that a thing I could say would "scare off" a guy because then really, he's not worth it. Am I coming on too strong? Then say something and be a man about it or get the hell out of my life .. for good. Do you not know my feelings and are unsure? Then ASK ME.. communication people. Oh and by the way, when a topic is uncomfortable, the wrong way to deal with it, is to avoid it. That's just digging a fucking hole.. INTO OBLIVION. If you are mad at me, tell me why. And be honest with me, i hate liars.. I will try not to lie to any of you anymore. Don't ignore me.
I am having a good day and recently I let my true feelings be heard and a part of me wanted to take them back. But another part is glad I took the risk. With no risk, comes no failure, and without failure, how would we know what is right?
I decided, because as some people have seen lately that I've become obsessed, that I would give myself a leave from MSN for a few days. To lessen my obsession a tad. And I don't know, it's not so much that i've become obsessed, it's just that I leave it on when I'm off around the house doing something else and then leave the sound on and that way it's easier for people to get ahold of me. I just come back to it when I hear someone is writing me. SO i started this leave from MSN and then I realized that I can't. It's so much easier to check my mail that way and I love talking on MSN, even though it is distracting me terribly. So while I'm not going to turn it off entirely, I will not chat as often.. Yes.. this is my goal.
On my blogger site, the other day, I had a bit of a blow-up and kinda went over the top. I was just raging and I don't feel bad about what i said. After all, it is all true but you know.. I am terrible at ending friendships. Because i seem to always want to hang on until we've sucked the life out of it. Maybe this is what has been dragging me down lately. Too much shit in my life. And not the good kind either, the bad kind. The kind that occupies your brain and piles up and then good thoughts can't get through that huge shit pile. It must be disposed of. Wrapped in a little fucking ball and discarded. I need room to invite in all the good things and to make more memory space for the good moments. Time to toss out the nasty comments and horrible memories. Ok.. I'm done with this rant about garbage and shit.. New time..
it is almost 1:30 and I must go soon. Thinking of halloween costumes. Don't know what I want to be. I was thinking something like the outfit that Nelly Furtado wears in the Breathe video. It's this white gown thing and she's got some gothic makeup on. But then I'd have to you know, go out and sew the thing. And with all this time I've got dancing around.. I should probably get on that heh.
Do you know that I love to talk about sex? Love to.. so much fun. Especially with a guy I met recently and of course Jaime. Jaime's always good for some laughs. This is a prelude to the sex page which I am actually in the process of working on. Don't really want to finish until Mark shows me how to make my website not look so "amateurish". So then it will look pretty and filled with good sex topics. And there must be interaction on this page, so if you want the damn thing be prepared to answer questions and give input on many topics... Good times..
I just spent the last half hour or so going back and reading all my past rants. It's so therapeutic... to go back and relive each moment in my life. To remember and laugh and bring myself to tears. Then to feel the pain again as I write of past loves and painful relationships. I remember writing something about Michelle Kneale and when we used to be better friends and I started to miss that. We don't have the same friendship anymore. We have both changed and I miss her.
Kyla and I had a conversation in her car during the summer sometime ( I can't remember when ).. anyways.. we were discussing dying and I mentioned how I have a feeling that I am going to die at a young age. And that it will be something that I'm not prepared for. I don't know????? what makes me have this feeling. But it's something I've felt for awhile. That could be the reason for why I felt like I needed to make up plans for my funeral that day. And this doesn't seem morbid to me. Not like I look forward to dying. NOt at all. I never want to die. But there is nothing morbid about making plans for your own funeral, is there? And all you psychiatrist people, don't take this the wrong way... I'm NOT depressed, I'm NOT contemplating suicide. Just thought I'd fill you on that conversation I had that day. It was interesting and it made me think.
I am being optimistic today. It could be all the TROGDOR I watched.. Hahaha.. God, it doesn't get better. I needed all that upboosting. "Burning all of the peasants" "I'll improve on YOUR methods!!" "That wasn't an improvement..." Jaime, thank you so much for showing me that cartoon so long ago. Not many people would share in the humour of TROGDOR. Good shit..
Today had it's highs and lows. I made myself laugh often and that's always a good day. I started to look at my life in a different life. I started to realize how lucky I am. I have made so many friends and I love them all so much. I mean even the ones who have turned to assholes and lost touch. I'm sorry they don't really mean to be like that. And even if they do, it's ok, because they are worse off because of it. I gained nothing but amazing memories and years of laughter to hold me on forever. I love who I am. I love being here. Mind you, life isn't all peachy keen, I'm lacking artistic ability but I'm hanging in there. I've strived on when I've really felt like giving up. But I feel like I need a change again. I am getting restless.
There always comes a point in my life where I get too used to my current situation and I call for a change. I feel a tad trapped and I need something that changes my situation in order for me to survive again. To feel real and alive again. I value change more than most other qualities. I had a really long discussion with a friend the other day and he told me about someone in his life who never changes. I couldn't even fathom the situation. I mean life is change. How do you move forward and take steps backwards at times without changing where you are standing. I don't understand. Maybe because I've never limited myself to being completely the same all the time. I choose new friends who challenge me or are letting me see a side of the world or a different view that I might not otherwise have seen. I cherish these people because each person I let know me and that open themselves to me, helps me to grow and to add character to my own life. They let me be me.
I have been on the internet for the last three hours talking to Mark. I'm also beginning to think that having the internet at home here is just a little too convenient in helping to make me procrastinate. Not that talking with friends isn't one of the most important things in my life. It's just that they will wait (usually) but my teachers usually won't when it comes to late assignments. The problem is Im not motivated enough. I'm not challenged enough. And i'm having other things on my mind. Talking to you Mark, doesn't help. I have to go to the theatre tonight to listen to the Read-thru and I am looking forward to it a bit. But not really. I mean, yes, yes I am. I just need the motivation. God, have you noticed lately that I need motivation. Maybe I should kick my stupid complaining ass and just go out and get my own damn motivation. Stop complaining about it and just actually do it. Yes I will.
So I told Mark that I was attracted to him, because he asked me and I had to tell the truth. And I think I boosted his ego just a little. He won't be reading this, so I don't really have to worry. But now as we talk on MSN, it's all sexual. And fun of course. But makes me wonder too.
My mind is drawing a blank, so I believe that today will be a blank day. I am dissatisfied with this website and how I haven't been keeping it up to date. It makes me a little mad. I don't like to change stuff when I'm in the computer lab here at school. I especially don't feel comfortable making the sex page so that is waiting until I get internet at home. This makes it sound like having a sex page is a bad thing or something. But really it's not, I just don't prefer to be typing big huge sex words when there may be a little old lady next to me, reading my screen.. And we do have little old ladies going to school here, some sort of ElderCollege or something. It can be a tad odd sometimes. Yes.. but I am going to go now. If you want something to read, explore the site. Or read past rants. I saved them all. Some of them are kinda funny. Well they are to me at least! CAtcha.
MY PHONE LINE'S BACK ON!!!!! Yeah! I enjoy sculpture class because I like to be challenged but at the same time I don't like to feel like I can't do something. Maybe I've just had the luxury of having things given to me but now I have to really dig deep and challenge myself to do better. To push myself past my limits and see if I can do something. I mean, maybe I'm just not good at sculpture or that casting a model is really not my thing. After I let myself pour my heart and my emotions into my last sculpture, I felt really good about it. I felt that I let myself be an artist. Which I've been so afraid to do because there are so many ignorant people in this world that feel that literature is the only way to be intellectually challenged. And that art does not take work. How wrong they are. It takes vision and an eye for something but art doesn't rely on talent. Art is something you feel. And the hardest part for me is actually letting go of my inhibitions to let people see who I really am. I believe that everyone has this thought in their head made up already about who I am, but they really have no idea. All at the same time, I'm more complex and more simple then they could ever imagine.
new topic.. what makes people smile? And why do we insist on frowning all the time? I mean do we realize how ugly we look when we are frowning? I'm frowning right now.. but now I'm making myself smile and instantly I feel better. All the people around me typing on the computers are frowning too, that's because I think they are doing homework. OH, except for the guy who just walked in and has a really dumb look on his face. .. That was mean, but it was funny. Here's another funny story. The blinds in the computer room here, every once in awhile catch a breeze from outside and they start banging against the windows in this almost hypnotic rhythm that strangely enough sounds like the bed springs in a cheap hotel room.. Not like I would know or anything! Me.. cheap hotel rooms.. what does that have in common? And what's also very strange is that this is what I thought about when I heard the blinds banging. hmmm.. wonder why... Kinda reminds me of asking the conversation..
"Do you know the neighbours that live on the other side of your bedroom?"
"I don't have any neighbours on that side, that's just the outside wall"
" Dammit, I wanted to make them mad "
Ha.. ok.. this doesn't really make sense to anyone but me and that person, but it was funny at the time. ahh.. the things I find amusing. At least I can always laugh about something.. So Serious..I"m concentrating. Fuck.. sorry.. I can't help myself. Good memories..
Ok... good times, well, I'm out. Catcha later. Life's been a blast
Talk to ya soon
So I had a bit of a raging time last week. I thought that I had gotten into a nice rut of not raging and peacefulness and no stressing. BUT I WAS WRONG! .. Telus decided to end that peaceful streak and decided to make me raging mad. By.. (a) cutting out my phone line so I have no dial tone.. (b) telling me to stay home all day Friday so they can send someone over to fix it.. (c) NOT SHOWING UP FRIDAY AT ALL .. now (d) making me wait over a week to have someone come to my house on a day that I already told them NO ONE WILL BE HOME but he's like.. oh duh.. that's ok. I mean usually we don't even need into the actual house itself. and i"M like BUT WHAT IF YOU DO? and he's like, oh well. I guess you'll just have to book another appointment when you will be home.. then I started to ask another question and he cut me off and said that oh... customer service will help you with any more questions. So I'm not too pleased dammit.. anyways no more raging...
I got a computer this weekend (ALL THANKS TO MARK..YOU ROCK!) and now I want internet service but I have no phone line..ARGHHH......I am mad.. OK.. no more raging. I have the Blogger thing that I started i think today and it confuses me. I like to look at pictures of me when I rant...such as the girls and me and me and my momma, and me and my sista. But the Blogger is different. And it's named BLOGGER...i enjoy this name immensely. Me and Mark watched some comic, that I forget his name now sadly, on the internet and it was fucking hilarious. I had a good time. And me and Lisa and her mommy went to the Abby Flea Market yesterday which was fun, but they do sell alot of crap there! Marriage certificates, old crappy ass toys, broken shit and $200 kittens.. ARE PEOPLE CRAZY?? So many cuter kittens for so much cheaper that need love and attention just as much as these spoiled rich ass kittens. and $200 each.. There were like 6 kittens in that box. They must make a killing on kitten farms.. Jesus, your cat has some kittens and bam.. you get $800 dollars.. People are fucked. I tell ya. Just like I would never spend hundreds of dollars on a dog.. What was wrong with my mutts? And they were free. AND THEY LOVE ME!.. people are dumb.
ha.. i love how my rants can go from one topic to the next in no time flat with really no relevance to the other. It's a good time.. You like it.. I have to go now.. I don't really know why..It could just be because I'm running out of place on this rant.. Yeah.. that's it.. well.. WELL! (remember Launa.. ha.. fuck.. good times) Guess what commercial I saw (BAM!!---> POP TART COMMERCIAL).. more good times.. wow.. heh have you seen the one where they talk about peanut butter deciding to leave chocolate in the Reese's cups...it's fucking great... "but peanut butter fell on hard times.. ahh.."
To prepare you, I am close to tears. I feel empty. Returning from sculpture class, where we critiqued others, and they all seemed so insightful. And it showed. Mine was not critiqued today but will be on Tuesday and I don't feel that I will accomplish what I wanted to express. And then I thought about that, exactly what I did want to express, and it made me sad. I don't know how to show others the pain and emptiness that I feel. I feel so lost, and maybe for the first time shown here, I can't deal with the heartache of my parents' marriage. I feel almost responsible and that I should be doing something. That i should be making my mother's world and life actually mean something and that I should be taking away her pain. But I feel so helpless. I feel that I can't fix my own life ( keep a stable and REAL relationship of my own) until I fix theirs. I feel that I am so afraid of the person I am becoming. And that the reason it is hard for me to meet new people is because in order to stop the complete breakdown of inner self, I put on a solid and (seemingly unfriendly) outer shell. A wall of protection that is supposed to stop me from ever being hurt or sad or meaningless like my parents' marriage. I also feel that I have lost so much self esteem from when I before let myself be loved and cared for.
Maybe, before I can help others or be in a relationship, I need to see who I really am. But I am afraid that I might not like that person too much. I was shocked and appaled that the path my life has taken. When doing this box, I had so much to fill in the half that symbolizes pain from love. And then couldn't believe how very little I had to contribute to the love that works/unconditional love side. I still don't know how to show this. I don't mean to say that my family and friends don't love me entirely, but I don't know how to really feel this and to really believe this. I know that what i'm writing is confusing but in order to stop the tears from falling, I feel like I have to keep writing. Times like these, make me wisb I had a computer at home! .. I also don't believe that my "exes" have made me this way. I mean it's nothing they did that truly hurt me, other than the fact that I let myself love them very much and that in ending it, it broke my heart. Which was fragile to begin with. And because the ending occurs, i get angry with myself for doing it essentially to myself. But isn't this what love and life is all about? Experiencing pain, recovering from it and moving on with life. My problem is recovering from it without forgetting it. Without forgetting the important lesson it has taught me. But still moving on to something new. Something wonderful, that like the saying goes, if you stare at the closed door too long, you will miss another one opening. I have stared at closed doors too long and now a lock has formed.
I am almost done my sculpture project and I'm looking forward to burning it when I'm done. Actually I don't know, it cost me a fair bit to make considering I used acrylic paint but I really don't know what I'd do with it. I don't want it to be displayed in my house and then I have to stare at pain all day long and potentially scaring off any future guys I have over. (ohh.. what's this? an art project that has pictures of your "exes" and your parent's unhappy marriage that will show me that you and I shouldn't be together because you have baggage...) We all know that any guy would not see it as art but instead as a sign to flee. Or i guess any dimwitted guy and in that case, i dont want him anyways. So the hell with it, i'll keep it and display it proudly.
Andy said my hair looked vivacious the other day. VIVACIOUS! i like that word and then I felt vivacious. It was a good feeling. At least someone thinks i'm a tad bit hot. I SAID A TAD! I'm not getting a fat head. But I did go to the gym twice last week and I might get there today and if not def. tomorrow. I like going to the gym now. Looking at the stupid macho guys in the weight room trying to lift the heaviest weight they can find is absolutely hilarious. Most of the time I have to stop myself from bursting out laughing. It makes my day
I had this dream about a guy that was a mixture of Adam, Mike and the guy who won Canadian Idol ( i think his name was Ryan Malcolm or something). They all sort of look alike or at least what I remember about them. I had a good time driving in my car to Abbotsford today because I was laughing about how I clumped them all to look like one person. I don't even know why this Canadian Idol guy comes into the picture, I don't even have a crush on him or anything but I guess he reminds me of Mike and Adam. Also I had my pimped shades on and was rocking out. I love to do this on the highway because old people look over at you in shock and then most people start laughing. I like to think that I made their day. Wouldn't that make your day? Heh Jaime, kinda like the person who was laughing at me for trying to drive and eat my poutine at the same time! .. also being hungover probably didn't help. Ha.. good times.
I miss going out.. it was fun. The role of serious student and artist is ok I guess but I am bored. HEH.. NEWSFLASH.. i GET TO LEASE A HORSE AND WORK OFF THE PAYMENT!! Yeah eyeah.. the woman wrote me and said they'd be happy to. I was super pumped and I still am. So I get to ride horses.. yes. yes yes..
But I have to get jetting, I haven't eaten lunch yet and the outside of my box still has to be painted.. bye bye.. love ya