Because my computer is the slowest thing alive I had to go to the Moose Jaw Library to update my page and because it's not a private terminal, I was right beside these two guys, one I recognized from high school.. Now this guy was always made fun of but he always thought he was still the coolest and most popular kid in school.. Now I'm not usually a mean person (ha) but when the guy started talking loudly to his friend about how he got this "chick's" number over the internet and she wants to meet him, I had to do everything possible to refrain from bursting out laughing.. Now for the people from MJ reading this, we called him Cheech (or something) and his real name is John.. Yes, this is the one I'm talking about.. and if you know what he looks like, you'd know how hilarious this really is.. That's my laughter for today..
So being back in the Jaw hasn't really been a bad thing.. I've actually quite enjoyed myself.. My life is different but good and better in most ways.. Though being back has been causing me to get extremely hammered and do various idiotic things like psychotic rye rages and yelling at Launa about stupid stuff that I don't even really believe and yes, this is the big one, driving drunk quite a way and not remembering a bit of it in the morning.. I calculate this to Hot 100 shots and drinking RYE (the devil) too fast and too hard.. So this weekend.. I declare NO RYE and drinking slowly.. Also hiding my keys. So I'm having fun, but I still haven't started work yet.. Which makes me mad but I guess I should enjoy the rest while I have it, heh? So finally I got around to typing another rant and hopefully it won't be too long before I can again.. Check out my updates... Bye Bye
I know I am getting farther and farther apart with my rants.. possibly because I have returned home to the computer from hell.. Yes we do still have Windows 95.. wait a minute is that almost ten years old? oh right.. it is.. So I am having trouble even logging on to Geocities.com, let alone being able to change a page and then save it within a timespan of 20 minutes.. Yes I am NOT exaggerating.. it is that slow.. oh well.. at least it gets there one day right.. And it's good to be home.. Even if it involves my psychotic wanting to take a knife to my dad's heart and end all our misery and pain.. Did I tell you I have murderous feelings sometimes? .. I truly hate my dad and love him at the same time..I didn't think that was possible.. I guess we are biologically inclined to love a parent no matter how much we don't want to.. but at the same time, I would gladly kill him for any small amount of money.. Why? Why do I hate my dad like I do? Because he derives pleasure from the pain and abuse he brings to us.. Not physical abuse but verbal and emotional.. He likes to make us all feel small.. And my butter knife almost slipped from my hand and flew across the room, piercing his eyeball, when he decided to hurt my brother this morning.. Why? Because it is Mother's Day and he can't handle the fact that we will always love our mother more than him.. Always... He is nothing to me.. only a person that makes money for me to spend.. The only reason I don't want him to die is because my mother would have to work full time at some job she would hate and she doesn't deserve that.. Not after 27 years of hell married to an emotionless man.. Sometimes I despise the opposite sex.. no one will ever treat me like that.. Do you get me now?
May 9, 2003
Being back is weird.. I got offered a job back where I used to work about two years ago and it makes me a little uneasy to take it.. I don't know why.. Possibly because someone I know may be working there who I am not sure about.. it makes me nervous and I wish it didn't.. I thought I had past that point in my life.. I want to leave the past behind and start anew, which is possibly why I will be taking the job because it is a challenge and I can look at it with a new perspective.. because I want to look at it with a new perspective.. And if you don't know me well, you won't know what I'm talking about.. I have changed and I'm not really sure how or why but I have.. I don't think like I used to.. material things don't seem to have their significance like they used to and I always want to know peoples' deeper thoughts now.. It could be my many discussions with Michelle Kneale that have lead me to question things and my own life.. Not question my life's value but what my life consists of and what makes it important and who makes it important.. I thought that my two lives were different..(my Sask. life and my Chilliwack life) and i wanted to keep them that way but they are one.. I have just molded one to fit the other.. Only the environment is different, yet I am still the same.. still crazy old me.. My life doesn't really seem to change.. i just move to one place expecting things to be different but a place is what you make of it and I haven't allowed myself to let go and see something new.. I see the same old thing..
Today is my last day in Chilliwack! It's kinda hard to believe it's come so soon.. Once again I get to spend this day cleaning my apartment but at least now I know I will never be coming back here so it's a good feeling and I'm happy to clean it and erase it from my memory.. no that's a lie.. what an adventure living here has been.. it has def. taught me so much about the person I want to be and has further cemented my belief that I will never take shit from a guy because if he truly loves you, he won't purposely hurt you or do dumb shit right? And that's my belief and I'm sticking to it. Because there has got to be at least one guy out there right? I truly despise pathetic people.. Have some self esteem.. And little boys, please grow up and be men, we are getting sick and tired of it..
I haven't furthered my atheist talk or been elaborating on my not believing in God yet.. as i know some super religious people will read this part and (disgusted) shut the window and never come back but too bad, grow up.. there are other views out there. Yours is NOT the only one.. Though I will write a page on this, I will chat a little. I'm not sure exactly when it hit me that I stopped believing entirely.. I never believed in religion or church because it has always seemed so fake but I thought a part of me believed in God on my own terms, but I've thought long and hard and it's not true and it doesn't scare me anymore... End of box... new day..
It's technically still Sunday so yeah.. I had an awesome time this D-fest and def. full of lots of memories... I met some great people and saw such amazing theatre.. It makes me very nervous to watch them because I begin to doubt what I can do and if I can really do acting.. I watched some truly talented people and some not so passionate people and I'm kinda scared to find out what kind of theatre person I will be.. I love watching people in their element though.. watching people doing what they truly love to do.. Also theatre people def. know how to party! We are very proud of you Stu! UCFV - 5 UVic - 0.. oh we kick ass... that's right..
One thing i love is how theatre drags so many emotions out of you.. Tristan's monologue in Who Let You In?.. made me cry because it made me think of my mom and the long years of verbal abuse she has suffered for as long as I can remember.. Sonnetscape made me sad.. because it made me miss love and everything wonderful and horrible that goes with it.. Also The Bald Sorprano had to be one of my fav shows.. so fucking hilarious.. Chris Ross, if you read this, you are an awesome actor and extremely funny! You rock, buddy! Phil Ochs was so amazingly good and prob my fav show.. supertalented.. anyways.. that's my review..ha.. I love this place and am gonna miss it.. But I'm coming home to the land that truly knows how to party! See you tomorrow...