The                  Beige                 Page
have been enlightened by the wit and wisdom of The Beige Page
"The Police Academy movies are like porn movies but without the sex".
                                                                                            - Madame Spank
For lovers of the colour with personality and to all things beige.

For those who have yet discovered the magic of beige.

So, crank up your favourite George Michael CD, relax in your beige laz-e-boy, put your feet up and enjoy your visit to the beige kingdom.

Salutations,the High Priestess of Beige.
My birthday is on April 3, so send me a beige birthday  message on [email protected]
A TRIBUTE TO

The place that nobody dared to go, where your dreams will come through a million years and your neon lights will shine.
Beige Page Public Health Announcement
"Do you want to end up like this??"
click here
Which room in the Beige Castle would you like to visit??
Wisdom from the Beige Throne Room
Thought of the Day
From the Baron of Beige
The Beige Page Guide to................

HAIR THAT ROCKS

Sick of always being a step behind in fashion instead of a step infront?

CLICK HERE and kiss those bad hair days goodbye
The Beige Interesting Facts Page
You'll be astounded by some of the facts in here!
Feeling frumpy and unattractive?
Pay a visit to the Gallery of Self Confidence and leave feeling like Helen of Troy, or Brad Pitt.
The Beige Page Lunch Box
Click here and find out what Mum has packed for lunch today!
For an awe inspiring story, scroll down to Marooned. The story is of course copyright, so you will be in deep shit if you try and copy it.
Visit Madame Spank's website, and get the spanking that is long overdue.
MAKING HEADLINES
The Beige Kingdoms first online newspaper!!
The latest and greatest news from the Beige Kingdom
The Beige Page's Tips for the World Traveller. Don't leave home without it.
IT'S HERE!!!
Effie's Photo Album
Find out where she has been and who she has seen. Maybe you've seen her!
PUBLIC NOTICES
From the Office of Beige
8/9/00
It has come to my attention that some residents of the Beige Kingdom are not satisfied with the maintenance of the Beige Page, the most vocal complainer being the Barron. Surprise surprise.
I would like to inform my loyal subjects that I have been extremely busy with study. As people who have superior intellect know, studying saps the individual of all creative energies and juices, leaving just a pitiful shell of a person.
I would like to thank those people who have voiced their concern and request that in future they keep their opinions to themselves!
If you manage to find this website and you do not know me personally, please post a message.
If you do know me, don't give me shit. I'm new at this and I know a lot of big and burly men that could tenderise your rump steaks within a matter of seconds. That's a fact.
MAROONED!
On the television at the moment there is a barrage of documentary type programmes about groups of young spunky people being shipwrecked on a desert island. On the island they have to fend for themselves, back stab, whinge and eat raw pig.  Talk about enthralling TV.
However, this TV concept is not as original as one may have thought, as the High Priestess of Beige was actually shipwrecked on a desert island with her family in the summer of 97/98.
The High Priestess has agreed to let her story to be told without any regard to any personal pain that she may exprience with all the memories that will undoubtedly flood back.

So, sit back and read this inspiring story of survival against the odds. Marooned! The Soundtrack featuring Bryan Adams will be available through Shithouse Records in December.
It was a glorious day when we embarked on a trip of a lifetime. On board the dinghy was the Skipper, known for the purposes of this story as Dad, Mother, Madame Spank, Psychic Fi, Bush Tucker Dog and  the High Priestess of Beige.

All of a sudden a thunderstorm rolled in overhead. Three foot waves engulfed our poor defenceless little dinghy. Despite our efforts, we could not drink enough sea water and our dingy sank.
We lost everything, including our valuable collection of Sweet Valley High novels. It was devastating.

We swam for our lives, which was quite a struggle, as we were very water logged from trying to save our poor dinghy from sinking.

We seemed to float around at sea for an eternity when we eventually washed up on a beach of a desert island.
Scroll down for the recipe for Marinated Seal
We were very lucky as there was plenty of wild life present on the island. The picture of the seal above became our first meal on our new home. The recipe for marinated seal will be available on the website asap.

After the meal, we wandered around the island looking for some shelter. We were all extremely tired, suffering from dry skin and coke withdrawl, so we decided to make a shelter ourselves (pictured right with Madame Spank, left, and Psychic Fi, right)
Everyday we waited and waited for help to arrive, but it was not to be. We quickly adapted to our new environment, as people from the Beige Kingdom often do. Within ten days of our arrival we managed to rid the island of the remaining seals, rare birds, savage kangaroos, koalas and fresh water.
On the eleventh day of our arrival we were saved when a catamaran full of park rangers turned up on our beach to investigate the fall in the seal population, among other things.

The eleven days marooned on the island taught each of  us a lot about ourselves. We realised what was really important to us: football, meat pies, kangaroos and Holden cars. We learnt that you shouldn't try and spear a fish that is swimming around your feet. We also received a humanitarian award for finding a place to send the Olsen Twins.
EXCLUSIVE!!!
It's not often that the hard and loyal workers on the Beige Page get a break and get a red hot scoop. Well, this time we have hit the jackpot, and this time it is in really bad taste.

The Beige Page takes no responsibility for anything and anything written below is not factual (as far as we know).
Click on the plane to uncover the Exclusive Scoop !!
Separated at Birth?
I feel that it is necessary for me to dispell a few myths. Tatiana Gregorieva and The High Priestess are not the same person. I know the resemblances are quite remarkable, but they are not even related. So please, the High Priestess begs you to stop mistaking Tatiana for the High Priestess and refrain from mobbing her in the street.
Want to kow what your pets get up to when you're at work???
When the owners are away, the pets come out to play.
The passion just got too much for these two
RECIPE CENTRAL
Want to know how to make this....... ................into this????
=
This is a fabulous on the run meal or barbecued on a weber. Whatever takes your fancy.
Ingredients
500g of Seal Steak (preferably NZ fur seal)
3tblsp Olive Oil
Pinch of Jasmine
Squeeze of lemon
Black olives
Basil leaves
Red Onions
Lemon grass
Put oil in pan to heat. The pan must be very hot when you put on your seal steak
Cut the steak through the middle, but not the whole way through and open up.
Place sliced red onions, basil and  lemon grass on one half and fold over
Skewer sides together so filling doesn't fall out
Drizzle lemon on both sides of the steak
Sprinking some jasmine on both side of steak
Put in pan for approx 2-3 minutes on each side for an inch thick steak.

Serve and enjoy!!!
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