Earth's axis shifts and rotation slows, creating chaos in NFL and around world

An unprecedented change in the way the Earth rotates created pockets of weird activity around the planet on Sunday, sending scientists scrambling for answers. Everyday life as many people know it was thrown into disarray, beginning with Week 4 of the Sunday Football Picks. The situations that unfolded in the NFL were mind-boggling as nine underdogs prevailed, resulting in the worst group record in Picks history.

The wacky wave of events across the globe were first felt in the NFL. A once-proud Bears defense allowed 34 points in the fourth quarter to give the game away. The Chiefs were 11½-point underdogs but cruised to victory anyway. The horrible Raiders, who win two games a year, won their second straight game in dominating fashion. The high-flying Eagles, who scored 56 points last week, could only muster 3 in a miserable defeat. The futile Browns, who couldn't even beat the Raiders last week, overpowered a Ravens defense considered the best in football. The Bills and Falcons magically earned victories for the first time. The Buccaneers danced to a win without the Florida sunshine, and the unbeaten Steelers were schooled by an inferior opponent. It was clear the Earth's rotation was out of whack.

Picks members subsequently tanked with a combined record of 33-58 (.363). The previous worst week was 24-41 (.369) in 1998. It was darn ugly from start to finish, and no one kept their head above water. Ali was 6-7; D.J., Mark, Nicki and Trevor were 5-8; Blaine was 4-9; and QT was 3-10, a career-worst output for the 11-year veteran.

Outside of the Picks, things were just as strange. Britney Spears received a Mother-of-the-Year award at an Iowa banquet; Baskin-Robbins opened a store in Antarctica and unveiled a 32nd flavor; Japan declared cheese fries its national meal; the Leaning Tower of Pisa is standing straight but the Eiffel Tower has a pronounced slant; Death Valley experienced an ice storm; and the Cubs finished the 2007 baseball season in first place. Scientists were baffled, but have since made progress.

The Earth's axis historically tilts at 23.5 degrees from vertical. But scientists say the tilt has reached 25 degrees, which marginally slows the Earth's spin and makes normal situations a bit goofy. The suspected cause? Scientists believe Americans have gotten too darn chunky, and the extra weight on one side of the Earth has caused an imbalance in the revolutions. It's like a washing machine trying to spin with a T-shirt on one side and jeans on the other. It's a formula for trouble.

In the past century, the average American has gained 40 pounds, thus adding 12 billion pounds to the country. Add to that the tremendous weight of the Starbucks stores popping up everywhere, and the inherent mass of Oprah Winfrey's ego, and you have an axis struggling with undue pressure. President Bush said he knew of the problem years ago and deployed troops to Afghanistan and Iraq to balance the planet's weight, but to no avail. None of the president's decisions seem to be good ones.