Mind Field, memories from my youth

About Me.. a rambling mind field
ask anyone, I'm a nice guy and I try to do the right thing

There is something referred to as "infant amnesia", it was believed that infants naturally forgot all that happened to them when they were tiny. Because of this Dr's felt it was ok to circumcise baby males without any pain control, afterall it would only be excrusiating for a few days and the child would never remember it. This could be overcome by trauma or repitition. Keeping this concept in mind... in my case, because of emotional trauma, infant amnesia was bridged. I was Born on June 1, 1950 in Joplin , Mo. I remember when I figured out that if I sucked on the bottle too long the nipple would colapse, so the trick was to stop, open my mouth and let the air back in the bottle. I also remember how much my diaper reash hurt when I pee'd and I would try to hold it. I remember crying when I could no longer hold my urine and I knew it was gonna hurt. Soon after we moved to California, I don't remember where. But I remember when I was just out of my crib (2yr old ?), because of the new baby, I had gotten into a regular bed, one that I shared with my older brother. Meanwhile my sister had a her own bed. At this point Steve was born and my sister fell in love with the new baby, she insisted that the new baby be allowed to sleep with her, so she could take care of it and play with it. She had been my constant companion, but it ended. Their attachment turned into a lifelong relationship.  Even now any dispute between "The Baby" and myself results in Penny immediatly taking his side, she does this with no idea what happened from my viewpoint. My brother Jim came up with a scheme and between them they convinced my parents to put me back into the crib since it would be empty. I could not convince them how unfair this would be to me, afterall I had "graduated" from the crib.
Soon after my siblings decided to torture me, I think it was because I made a fuss about being demoted. They held the sheets down, all the way around the crib, they hung onto the edges of the sheet like monkey's. when I woke up I was trapped under the sheet and could not find the opening, soon I became terrified, I was screaming hysterically, while rushing back and forth under the sheet searching for a way out. When I finally escaped my siblings were smiling and laughing with glee. Now small places really freak me out.. I cannot watch a movie if someone is trapped in a ??? I suffer panic attacks and need medications to calm myself.  After that I played alone mostly, I refused to have anything to do with anyone in the family. My buddy was gone. It is believed that I am ADD by my sister. My ADD was only with them. As a result of this siblings found me to be an easy "Judas goat", my siblings used me to blame for anything that happened. I suspect that my "tuning them all out all the time" allowed situations to develope without my being aware. This made me the perfect patsy all the time. Some of the problems were no less than intentional viciousness. Children can be cruel.

                                4 years old (all ages approximate)
We returned to Presideo, Ca USA near San Francisco. when I was 4. This was an Army base right on the Bay. I remember living in a house on a hill, a block from the Bay, The hillside was coverd in "Ice Plants" and there was a deck about 20' off the ground on the back, that would be ground level on the front. I would spend a lot of time down by the water playing. I remember how disapointed my mother was that the school wouldn't allow her to enroll me in kindergarden. I was born past a cutoff date, age wise. I recall how unhappy she was that I would be around for another year. I still was not a member of the Jones Clan. I remember how my mom's car, an old gray Ford, would stall out on the hills of San Francisco. My Brother Jim called the car "Nelly-bell" after the old jeep that was on the "Roy Rodgers" TV show. They would hang out the windows slapping the side of the car screaming "come-on Nelly-bell" whenever we approached a hill. I am quite sure this caused my mom no end of embarrasment. She eventually made them stop.
A couple of things stand out in my mind, my little brother Steve was in the backseat next to the door, my mother was driving on the base in an area that had a lot of railroad tracks. It was right after we left the Post Exchange (grocery store) He opened the backdoor and fell out. I just sat and watched him do it. It certainly wasn't something I wanted to be involved with, if I was involved I would be blamed. So I just watched. He was scrapped up but not hurt. I also remember days spent alone on the shoreline... trying to "not be around" I also rember being so upset at one point that I just sat in the sand and cried. One evening during dinner my father lunged at me, angry and ready to hurt.  I jumped up and ran out on the deck rfeady to jump, this was something I had planned for the next time I was attacked.; My mother screamed and I stopped before I went over the side. I knew I would not get hurt, afterall the hillside was covered with a dense carpet of iceplants.  And I had discovered, through experience, that I could jump and slide on iceplants for 10 feet or so before I stopped. This was the very 1st time my mother ever tried to intervene between my father and one of us kids. His attitude was that he didn't care if I jumped and if I didn't he would throw me. She calmed him down eventually while I sat outside on the deck listening to all this. The only thing on my mind was being mad because they stopped me from jumping, and it appeared as if mom had to rescue me.
                                     5 years old
We moved to Oakland, Ca where they bought a house, there are a few things I remember about that house. I convinced Steve to climb on the back of a calf that was in a field at the end of our street. He was thrown to the ground and almost stepped on.
Jim broke his arm and we alll had to ride up to the Military hospital in San Francisco to get it set. It was a quiet and hot ride. I also remember thinking that I wanted to kill animals, I found a puppy and tried to strangle it. I could not do it though.  I was suddenly racked with grief and cried for a long time while holding the puppy in my lap while it licked my face.  I will let the reader decide why I wanted to do this. I met a girl at school and she talked me into showing her my penis. At a different time she talked me into having a pee contest, accuracy was the goal.& She peed through a knothole, I was as good a shot too but baffled as to how she did it.  I pulled the "fire alarm" at school. I was curious how hard the clapper had to hit the glass in order to break it. Not very hard.
                                    5 and 6 years old
My father was re-assigned to a base in Pasadena, he monitored government contracts to be sure there was no payola or cheating he eventually was sent away for turning in his superior officer.. While we were there I used to climb the school flagpole as a fun thing to do. I scared some old guy when he saw me sitting 20' up on that big round brass ball on top, my baby's ass just small enough to fit and my hands at my side gripping the ball below.. I snuck into a construction site and used the 3 story steel skelaton of a building as a jungle gym, I figured out how to run the construction elevator. I would climb out of my bedroom window on the second floor and reach over to the downspout and then down to the ground. One night while my parents had dinner guests I was allowed (?) to be around and discovered that I had them all in stiches, just by sharing my adventures. This was when I discovered that I could make people laugh and like me.  For a 6 year old I got into a lot of trouble, I would gather all the neighbors mail and build a fire, I was playing at camping.  I also followed the maid home one day because I wanted to see how black people lived. The next day I went over and crawled in the bathroom window. I hung from the sill and lowered myself within a foot of the tub and dropped down. When I went to open the bathroom door I found that it was locked from the outside. After trying to get the door open for what seemed like forever I gave up and decided to climb back out the window. As I stood in the tub looking up at the window I knew I would never be able to reach it and if I did I wouldn't be have the strength to pull myself up, there was nothing to stand on. So I sat there trapped for several hours. Finally someone came home and opened the door, I made a mad dash for the front door but I was caught. I was escorted home and of course got a beating.
I used to go to the bakery and buy bread and pay the extra penny to have it sliced. My father raped my mom one day, he threw her underwear out their bedroom window. I heard her screaming. She didn't want any more children, she didn't want the ones she had. I think this was when I stopped listening. Later this would cause me no end of trouble, conversations would happen and I would not have a clue if asked or told or accused... and I was accused a lot. I was forever suprised by accusations, my response was seen as guilt. I always "Looked ' guilty. This was a great advantage for my siblings. Even now I always look guilty, no matter what. Accuse me of starting WWI and I will look guilty. As a response I became angry if accused of anything, this didn't help.
We soon moved into a house in Glendora, Ca. backed right up to the railroad tracks. I was home alone with my father, mom had gone off with everyone else. He was watching TV and I was hanging on him, he finally yelled "JESUS CHRIST, calm down won't you? go have a beer or something. ' I went to the kitchen crying and got a beer and sat on the back stoop and drank it. There was an area near our house that was a washed out desert habitat, I collected cactus and tried to to make a garden in front of the house, they all died. My father hooked mwe up to the front of the "push mower" like a mule and made Jim and I mow the lawns. My father was reassigned to France, we got French language records, but at the last moment our destination was changed to Germany, supposedly we were shipped overseas because he found out that his superior officer was accepting kickbacks on contracts.
                                      7 years old
We drove cross country, stopping rarely, my father was "driven" to get to NY. I was trapped with my siblings in the back seat. In Denver we spent a few days with my Mom's step-mom. The house next to hers was vacant and available to us, because they were G'ma's friends. I would spend a lot of time combing the alley's behind for treasures. One night when the adults wanted to go out for dinner we kids were dropped off at the movies, the movie was a horror flick, dark and scary very inappropriate for children, I ws terrified of the dark for the next 2 years.
Next stop was Knoxville, Tn. My uncle had a nice big house, I spent my time behind the house in the woods, there was a stream there. I found a cat behind a log playing with something. As I got closer I discovered that it was a tiny bunny, all bloody. The cat had skinned it and was beginning to eat it. I scared the cat off and I picked it up and took it to my father, he told me it was a lost cause and I had to take it back into the woods and stone it to death, put it out of it's misery. I protested as much as a 7 year old could, but I was afraid of his father, then I cried all the way down the hill into the woods.. I remember laying the bunny on the ground next to a stream and stepping back from it I picked up a big rock and tears were flowing from my eyes... I threw the rock and missed so I tried several more times. I was not very coordinated at age 6/7 so I couldn't hit the bunny from 5 feet away. So I got a really huge bolder and stood directly over the bunny and dropped it... Twice... crushing it's head. So I did it, I put the bunny out of it's misery. I spent he rest of the day sitting there with the dead bunny, watching the stream run by. I was crying for a while but then I stuffed those feelings and went back to the house, my dad asked if I had "done IT?" and I said with a straight face that I had. I had learned a new skill, not showing emotion... In the future I would be called on to kill not only the family dog, Zsa Zsa but my 1st wife's dog and 2 dogs that I owned with Liz. I was pretty numb to the whole idea. We saw the 1st nuclear reactor ever built anywhare, it was in Knoxville. From there we went to NY city, the family dog was put into quarentine. She had to be given a certificate of health in order to travel overseas. The car had to be dropped off for transport. The ship we got on seemed to take forever to get going, then it took forever to wind it's way out of the ports. I remember the tugs dropping the ropes once we were clear. We were underway. We spent a week on the naval ship, traveling to Europe. Everyone was seasick and spending all their time in the cabin, laying down. I couldn't be there, so I would go forward on deck to the area set aside for the pets of military families and hide amoung the cages. I discovered that if I faced into the wind and breathed deeply I could stave off the nausea. My birthday came and went.
                                         8 years old
When we arrived in Europe we spent the 1st day sitting on our luggage, waiting for my father to get us all processed. My siblings kept themselves busy. I kept to myself as much as I could, I tried to go "exploring" but got in trouble. We spent a day on a train to get to our destination, Heidelberg, Germany (age 8-10). We spent the rest of the week in a hotel while the arrangements were made for base housing. Normally we would have been assigned a house on base but none were available, I remember the conversation between my parents about waiting for an opening. we ended up on the 2nd floor in a military apartment building. I was terrified of the basement, it was dark and scary, I was sure there were monsters. I discovered books, I lived in them for years. Later I remember "wetting ' the bed for years out of spite ,I was 9/10 when I finally stopped, I used to wake up early in the morning and lay there and pee... and once in a while I would stand on the pillow at the head of the bed and pee. I think I was getting even with my "family" for torturing me and never making it right. No one ever noticed that my jammies were often dry.
One night my mother and father were arguing and she was in the kitchen where she grabbed a package of frozen peas and threw it at him. I was setting the table for dinner and she hit me instead of him. I went down but was unhurt. She was sorry, it was the 1st time I remember her caring about me. My father decided that we were too sensitive about our modesty, so one night he declared we would all walk around naked for everyone to see. I was horrified, I took my turn, I stripped down and walked through the living room and back to my bedroom where I redressed. When it was my sisters turn I couldn't take it, I crawled under an end table and burried my face in my arms. I knew this was just "wrong" it was an embarasment, but I survived. And my sisters privacy was intact. (in my mind)
I always day-dreamed that I would be a hero someday... I would save all my classmates after a building collapsed from "the BOMB" we were taught to "duck and cover" and I would be the only person that wasn't hurt, I would save everyone and be a hero... I was a loner... My family would go on vacations all over europe, I was very fair skinned and would burn in 20 minutes, blisters in an hour. This did not affect travel plans, so I would attempt to hide under a blanket, I did this until I was 16. I left home then. We spent 2 weeks on the Rivera, camping. Everyone spent their time on the beach getting all tan. I stayed in the tent. It didn't matter because I still got burned. I was bright red by the 3rd day. So of course my brother Steve would slapped my back.
In spite of all this I was a wonderful, sweet, kind, loving caring person that was never going to share that with anyone in the household. Once in a while they would see the "me" inside. Like when we left Germany and I cried, I had found a way to survive there or years later when my mom wrecked her new car on the "grapevine" and I wept for her loss. I would never tell them why I cried. In general I tried to stay away from all of them. Being near any of them always meant emotional or physical pain to me.
My mother's and father's constant fights ended up with him sitting on her, holding her arms across her chest so she couldn't move. When I saw this I tried to tackle him and knock him off of her. He knocked me 10 feet with a backhand. I guess it startled them so much that they forgot their fight. On some school days I would want to stay home so I would be safe from attack. My mother would throw me out the front and lock me out of the apartment in my pajamas. I liked to listen to "Radio Free Europe" a lot of morality plays about people letting crimially minded people take away their freedoms. I also liked the "Lone Ranger" and some music. I heard "Are you lonesome tonight" by Elvis... it made me cry. I bought the 45, it cost a whole weeks allowence, 10 cents. No wthat seems so telling about who I was...
One time while in Austria at a ski resort called Lake Eibse, I was on the slops and had a collision with a german kid, probably my fault. His ski tip caught me under the left knee and tore out my tendons. They sent a ski rescue and I was toted off to the 1st aid cabin. Finally my mom showed up to collect me and was told that I should see a Dr ASAP. Unfortunatly My mother and father were at each others throats at the time and he decided that it was a load of crap and refused to take me or to allow my mom to take me to the Dr. He decided that I was faking it and would yell at me and hit me if he saw me hopping on my right leg. So for the rest of the trip I was stuck in the room, when we got home he still refused to allow my mom to take me to the Dr. After 2 weeks of this she finally decided to take me to the Dr anyway and I was put in a cast from hip to toe.
I felt ashamed that I had somehow betrayed him. I'm not saying I was logical all the time. I would ride my bike using just one leg the other balanced precariously on the handle bars. I was told by my father to "Don't limp" you're just looking for attention, what he didn't say was and proving your mother right. I still hear his demand whenever I'm hurt.."DON'T LIMP" My mother decided to take me to see a psychiatrist, she thought that there was just something not "right"... DUH... he concluded that I was anti-social and possibly schizophrenic and paranoid. This quiet sullen kid shows up in his office and doesn't want to look him in the eye, he had a lot of questions that I was afraid to answer. Afterwards I decided that this was actually a nice guy that really was interested in me, the next week I had all sorts of stuff to share. He asked if I thought people were after me, I told him yes, my brothers and sister. (paranoid) No wonder he thought I was a schitzo, 2 totally different kids showed up at his office. That was the end of that. My dad wasn't about to let me talk about my life. Well I am not schizophrenic. Scared of people sometimes, yes. All I wanted was to be left alone, not that I was getting any supervision or guidance from anyone, anyway.
I was one of those sweet boys that didn't like or understand violence. Being Army brats, and living in "base housing", row after row of 4 story apartment buildings. Once in a while all the kids played "WAR" with wooden swords, and trash can lids for shields... 50 kids chasing each other and pounding 1 of enemy into crying "uncle" While all this was happening I started a club, in the middle of all this choas, that was named"the good deed club". There were 4 of us, we decided that we would each put 5 cents from our allowances into the club's treasury every week. Then when we had a
"lot" of money (50 cents) we would give it to the Red Cross.After a month and me being the only one putting in money, I disolved the club and bought candy.  A man and his son were practicing, hitting a baseball, they invited me to join them. The father took his time and showed me how to swing a bat. The next time I saw them practicing I went to join them ... they uninvited me, I never understood that. I was expelled from the Cub Scouts because I was wearing one blue and one black sock. Thats what happens when a Lt Colonel is Scout Master.
My older brother (the football player) loved to torment me, one day he saw me in public near the library and decided that he was going to "pound" me. I took off running with him hot on my heels. I ran into the building and down the stairs. He lost his footing and fell down the stairs, landing face first on the floor. I was glad that I was now gaining distance between us and was sure that this time I might escape. He screamed in pain, I stopped, he continued to scream holding his mouth. I went back to see what was wrong, he had broken both front teeth, now just stubs. I held him and helped him up the stairs. My nature. Another time he had me cornered in the bathroom and was once again beating me. I grabbed a shoe and nailed him on the forehead with the heel. I was almost as startled as he was and I felt terrible and sick. I was told many times that I was never going to live til the morning, he was going to kill me while I slept. I went to bed in fear almost every night.
Mom would scream at my father that we needed to be beaten as soon as he would get home from work, he would sort out the problems and the accusations and my guilt. At one point he decided that he didn't want to hear her drama every night and would simply use a belt on all of us every night as soon as he walked in the door. "if you didn't do anything you will" was his rational.
I'm the little boy you see running home carrying a hurt dog and crying... praying no one would see my tears. Tears meant I could be hurt and was weak. Someone would torture me with that information. I am the little boy that hangs out with a little blind girl 3 buildings over. I took her a movie "South Pacific"... she loved the music. Her parents decided that I shouldn't come around. I wonder if I touched her life in any way??? I am the little boy that chased the little girls up and down through the bedsheets, hung out to dry, trying to kiss them. My father saw this and hollered down from the 3rd floor "I SEE WHAT YOUR DOING" shaming me. I am the boy that had very few friends, a middle child. One time I was in on the top floor, it was servant quarters in case anyone hired a full time maid/nanny. The floor was deserted and had a lot of trash around. I was sitting with my back against the wall reading something to a girl that was up there with me. I reached a point in the story that I felt required faux frustration. I sighed heavily and dropped the book into my lap. At the same time I banged my elbow into a broken glass jug cutting my elbow to the bone. It scared me and I immediatly started screaming and ran down stairs to my home. Blood was flowing and my parents were horrified. My dad grabbed a towell and had me hold pressure on it while he then drove like a maniac through town to get me to a Dr. About half way there I stopped screaming and crying and looked at him and said "I don't know why I'm crying, it isn't helping." I rode in silence the rest of the way to the emergency room.
My parents forgot my birthday 2 years in a row, while my sister was doted over. My older brother was a bully... he liked to practice on me. (he is the only one that ever apologized for the way he treated me, now he treats me well. (I am not sure if it isn't entirely guilt driven.) They all blamed me for everything that they did wrong. I'm sure they never cared or thought that it made any difference. They were always backing each others claims that "Philip did it" My childhood passed with me trying to "not be around" so I couldn't be blamed, it didn't work. I would come home and discover that I was in trouble and that my siblings were unified about my guilt. I was told "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID" and was not told.   I have to say that as a child I was usually pretty "sterling" in my behavior, just to be sure to be blameless, although my spanked red ass didn't confirm it.
My sister was taking ballet lessons, I watched the kids inside the auditorium dancing and having fun, There were adults that were actually helping kids do stuff. I decided to join them, my father was outraged that I wanted to do ballet, my mom insisted. After a month or so some boys from school saw me inside and I had to stop. I didn't mind stopping to much, my sister was ignoring me anyway.
                      10 years old and back to the States
I wasn't the smartest kid in class... I was to accustomed to "tuning out" so at times I was disruptive or was "the clown"... My mom and dad got divorced and I was shipped off to "Brown Military Aademy" Steve joined me there later, he loved it. I hated it and finally ran away. Not that I was wanted back at home. I didn't stay home long. In my teen years I was the kid that smoked alone, out in the back of the school during lunch. I asked the beautiful girl with a slight facial deformity to the dance. It never occured to me that I would be teased for likeing her. My older brother and sister would drink from the crystal booze decanters and refill them with water. You can guess who got blamed when it was found out. My sister broke her arm and I would do her hair, it was a time of ratted and combed over boufants, I couldn't stand to see her unable to do it herself, my nature... She thanked me when I was 50...
At some point I quit trying to be sterling, it was obvious that it was useless to try. I was a teenager that is always on the fringe of the crowd. I didn't know how to be with other people. My mother would tell my older brother to "get him" which meant he was to attack me. One time he was off balance and I pushed him into her china cabinet, breaking most of her collection. For that she cried.
I was 16, I left. I became a maid at a motel in exchange for a room, I was a dishwasher across the street at a restaurant for meals. A month later my mother came to my motel room and sat in front of my door and cried, begging me to return home. After several months I returned home and started back to school, I earned my high school diploma by doing a lot of extra work. I met a girl and fell in love, we got married right out of high school... and divorced as soon as she mis-carried the baby. We were way too young.
My sister told me to never speak to her because she hated the timber and sound of my voice. Sh etold me that she didn't want me to talk at all when she was in the room. I did not cry in front of her. She didn't care if I existed and would prefer that I didn't. I didn't talk to her for many years, of course she didn't mind or probably even notice. She lived in Hawaii for years, I never visited.
When I was 19, I changed my last name, I never felt like a Jones, it has never bothered me that I did it. I never felt a part of. I in effect divorced my father and he became Hugh. He asked me to call him dad many years later, but I wouldn't give him back that power. Eventually our relationship was based on humor, my wife and I would visit him on his "ranch" in the desert. He would disparage me behind my back. He would declare that I was a queer (his word) or some other nasty slight. He did this while pretending to be my friend. But I was unaffected, I had removed his power to hurt me.
Even now the "group dynamics" reverts to an "attitude" if we all get together. Phil as "The goat" everyone else as his tormenter. Christmas when I was in my early 40's involved a white elephant gift exchange. As soon as I showed interest in one of the gifts it turned into a game of "keep-away" That was the time I decided to avoid get togethers completely. Eventually you just have enough.
I do visit my brother Jim in Bend sometimes, he was the bully that apologized to me many years later. He seems to like me, seems to be interested in me, but I think it is guilt driven, rather than a true sense of caring. I accepted his apology, I didn't want to deny him the relief that it should and hopefuly has given him for his actions long long ago.
My younger brother is in Spain and we haven't spoken in years. He spends his time listening to the bias of the America hating media over there and has become a staunch supporter of anything and everything anti-American. He married a Spainish woman that he has mistreated everytime I have seen them together. He became a citizen of Spain and swore allegiance to only them. I told him once that he had no business commenting on American policies, and I wasn't interested in the opinions of an American hating foreigner. That was the end of our communications. My sister is in Eugene and we don't speak either, she wasn't privy to my conversation with my brother Steve, but she made it very clear that she backed him regardless. I am sure this stems from plotting to move him into her bed when he was 2 and the allegiance that created.
This is all good, finally I am not a goat... it's kinda nice. It isn't really that lonely, not after 56 years of it being in a self imposed exile anyway. I know they are not "there for me" and that's not new either.. When I was injured and had no place to go to live it never even occured to me that any of them would be an option. I have other people that consider me as family and love me. People that are on "my side". As opposed to those that only amuse themselves by trying to hurt me. It may be from an ingrained habit... but that doesn't make it excusable.
It took me over 50 years to admit to myself that I have bad feelings about all this stuff. Always trying to be a "nice" guy, with no hard feelings towards anyone. Always ready to forgive and forget? I wish, but forgetting is impossible and unreasonable to expect.
I look back and it feels a lot like a bad movie, "Cruel Intentions, my life".So I guess this is the answer to all the people that asked "what do you have to say for yourself"
As a child I lived with a red hot coal of anger inside, an angry coal the size of a 2 year olds heart, so hot it would burn anything that touched it. I lived through it, I have looked at it.
Now I am a man and I have put away my childish things.

My father (lower case) went to Korea and mom shipped us off to a sitter 99% of the time, either she was working or kickin it. Later We went to live in Japan, the streets were all mud in the wet weather and dusty in dry weather. My mom hired local houseboy's to care for us, she was either working or kickin it. As for me... I would leave as soon as I could and be gone all day if possible. My mom never wanted to raise kids or keep house, She always had a maid or forced us kids to do all the house work from age 6 and up.
Sometimes the Houseboy would find me, so I started riding the bus, it would be gone for hours, all the way up to the temple on a hill somewhere and back. The driver let me work the door opener for a few days, then told me that I couldn't do it anymore. That hurt my feelings. I was 4 at the time. The houseboy stopped worrying about me or trying to keep me home, it was the 50's and the streets were safe. I would sometimes find a "honey wagon" and sit on his rear bumper as he traveled up and down the streets looking for donations. (a honey wagon collected human waste to be converted into fertilizer). Looking back I am suprised by the things I did at 4 years old. I learned to tune out, alone in a crowd.
I don't remember having any conversations with either of my parents. The most I remember was hearing ";WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING???" Obviously not them. Whenever in the family group I sat silent. I am sure that this left them wondering if there was something wrong with me. I'm sure it didn't endear them to me.

We are the sum of our experiences, below is a bit of the stuff I remember. To read it is fairly shocking to some people. Keep in mind that the person I became is a good person. I am a good friend, I may not give you the shirt off of my back, but I will take you shopping and buy you one. If you need to talk to someone I am always available. I care about issues that face all of us. If you get your heart broke call me and I will tell you what an ass he/she was and make fun of them... I am a thinker, a kidder and a cook. (what was that all about???) sometimes I am very shy.  Sometimes I am very bold.  I like animals to a fault, I spent 6 months rehabiliting a dachshund with a bad back and paralyzed hind legs. I have a very tender heart and I try to help people if I can. I am not delusional, I know that some people need to get themselves straightened out. But I know that there are things that 1 man can do.
I care... that is the bottom line. I am as honest as the day is long. I am moral.
I believe that "in order to relate to someone you need to be "in" his reality"
I turned out great. At least that's what I'm told.
so below is the story of my upbringing, the blacksmith's forge, hammer and anvil upon which I was shaped. Everyone has stories, this is mine.... (smile, life is good)

ISSUES

If we didn't have any issues we would have to make some up, so here are some that I have and some that I made up.. People don't like not having issues.

"Control Issues" in the past I tried to control my environment, all aspects. Trying to avoid pain. As I said this is in the past.

Im a lousy father, I never learned how. I look back and realize that my style was to either be silent and avoid... or try to act as a friend. The fathering skills I did learn shouldn't be used on a human. Or even an animal. Or plant. Or rock.... dad was damaged.

I am not tolerant of people that are &"out for themselves" always trying to "Get over" on someone or some Social Service. People who need help should get it. Free school breakfast should be only for the needy. Cheaters are "Liars" I guess I have had my fill of them.

Being "accused" I know what I have done, I don't do things out of evil intent. Asking me my intention will display this. I also own my mistakes. If asked I will tell you. Sometimes I have to consider and figure out what happened.... Accusing me is a sure way to upset me. Just ask. Don't assume.

I understand that sometimes people have a need to discuss their relationships with friends, other than their "mate" this is understandable.  I don't like it when they create fantastic stories, with no truth in them or to tell tall tales or try to make out to be a victim or set themselves out to be blameless, no one is ever blameless.

I am pretty forgiving, "he who steals my purse has stolen trash, but he that steals my good name has harmed me indeed."

Sometimes I simply cannot deal with crowds, usually if I'm expected to "mingle"

I read a million books when I was a kid. It was a great way to avoid family. Sometimes I come across as a know it all. Sorry...

I rarely speak without thinking, but when I do it's usually a doozie...

I have expected more from my girlfriend, wife, lover than was reasonable. I thought they would be everything I never had. I thought they could and should "complete me" and this was without me even understanding what I needed. Me? better!

I sometimes withdraw for no reason, I think it is because I am just not used to "dealing" with others on an ongoing basis.

I am extremely empathic, so I do a lot of tearful TV watching.

I tend to dismiss the good things about me, the things I do or think or feel. I am reluctant to recieve credit. (a good deed, that is found out, doesn't count)

I have been struggling with compulsive buying, my impulse center of my brain was damaged in a fall. I do better by putting everything on a 3 day delay. If I still want it I buy it. I am in need of nothing.

I used to fall "in love" with anyone that showed me any consideration or kindness or sweetness. I was blind to peoples dishonesty. Trusting tooo much. I am much more sensible, but not cynic

I am now very cautious when I meet someone. I keep my emotions in check and observe them for a while. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. This has caused some women who expect everything right now to lose interest.

I have low stamina now, I need to find a way to build it back up without using my foot too much.

I watch too much TV, I used to be in a book all the time. Now it is TV, the good thing is I can pause TV. Books are dificult now, I love reading but forget what I have read as soon as I turn a page.

I am lonely. I am not, however, desperate.

Because of my accident I developed a condition that involves rapid bone loss.  I became riddled with osteo porosis and lost most of my teeth.  I now wear false teeth, if I am going out.  The Dr's reversed some of the bone loss so I don't expect to snap any limbs off.

I am too open about me, no kidding.

Small places and rape and child abuse of any type freak me

Sometimes I think I am emotionally dead, yet I am touched by sadness in life and movies.  I think I am just a little afraid now.

I live with constant pain and it makes me grumpy sometimes.

I am moderate to conservative and am tired of the far lefts name calling, truth twisting and their hoping that our nation fail in order to boost their "insight ratings".

People that hide their feelings, I need some idea what's happening behind their eyes? Sometimes I am pretty dense..

I am sometimes at a loss for words, I have trouble making small talk, but I can be engaged. Chatterboxes are just fine with me.  Otherwise I'm pretty content to just sit quietly.

My Memory Falters

INTERESTING

My Injury

hmmm, April 21, 2002... Working for AT& T Cable TV. Me? 24' up a ladder. 50% of people falling over 15' die. Ladder fell over, I stuck out my foot to break my fall. I shattered my heel and hit my head. 5 days in OHSU then surgery. Home to bed for 3 months, crutches only. Rehab, rebroken foot. OHSU 4 days, 2nd surgery added steel plate to my foot. Home and 2 more months in bed. Permanently disabled. Bone disorder causes osteoporosis. Mobility restrictions and compulsiveness and memory issues. Short enough? ummm also on OMMP. Morphine, Dilantin. Some Post Trauma Depression is controlled.
So 5 months in bed and 2 operations, all my teeth fell out from osteo type effect

I just want to try and explain some things. You might think that I don?t need to, but I will feel better after I have. Some say I have always been a little ADD. I have always been able to get by without any issues surrounding this. I could deal with group situations and even have a lot of fun. As you may know I hit my head when I fell off of the ladder at work in 2002. As a result I have to deal with a new and more severe inability to concentrate. This is not a big deal most of the time, but sometimes, when I?m in a group mostly, I am totally overwhelmed. I can deal with this very unsettling and sometimes frightening experience by withdrawing. I can get re-centered by getting all the confusing and different things that are happening in the background. I don?t know if you can imagine how frightening it can be to become so confused and overwhelmed just from having more than 2 people talking at the same time. It is sort of like being in a clothes dryer? everything suddenly starts spinning and making no sense. I am usually pretty good one on one, as long as I stay focused, as Liz can attest, even then I sometimes have to ask people to repeat what they just said. It sometimes comes into my head sounding like this ?Don?t you sacef qwfnwcfhy at hwdhwd for hshaqy, Phil?? and I have to ask for the pers onto repeat themself. This embarrasses me, in the extreme. So what usually happens is that I just go away, I go watch TV, for a smoke, a walk, or just avoid situations like that. So, yeah I?m weird, my behavior at times is weird, I know this. I wish I wasn?t. I just want you to know that there are reasons for my behavior and hope you can understand. Writing this is very humbling; I guess no one likes to admit his or her weaknesses. There isn?t anything that you can or should do differently. If I don?t join in Rain-deer games you can now understand why. If I go off and plop down in front of the TV and act anti-social you can understand. If you ask me something or make a comment that would normally elicit a response and I say nothing, you know why. I am simply not all there, anymore. But the good news is? if you engage me one on one in conversation I do better, unless I?m already short-circuited by my surroundings. My Roomate deals all of this by simply ignoring me... entirely. I really don't mind. I have to ask twice, but so does she. So don't worry if I walk away, I really am ok. as a side note, this was very HARD for me to write, Pride... end of 2nd ramble 1/5/07

if you can raed tihs, you hvae a sgtrane mnid too. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!