I arrived in town about an 2 hours late and felt terrible about keeping her waiting, she led me to a motel that she had checked out and found to be cheap. I checked in and we went to have coffee and talk. She looked almost exactly as I expected, We had a nice talk and she drove me back to my motel. I was hoping that she wasn't disappointed in me, I know how people can create an image in their heads, then not like the reality...
I carried my bags to my room and it was horrible, there was a huge hot tub in half of the room and a bed on the other side and lots of Red and black decorations, the walls were carpeted... it was obviously the type of motel you rented by the hour. I was exhausted and fell asleep quickly. I woke up and the room was pitch black, the air was oppressive and stale smelling. I had turned on the heat and the room was hot, I was sweating and shaking. I was having a panic attack. I have had them before but nothing this bad. I had a bad experience as a child with being trapped, my terror was back.
I got dressed in a panic and rushed outside, it was morning already. I sat in my rental car smoking and shaking. I am not sure what had broken in my head but there was definatly something wrong. My usual self treatment wasn't helping... I walked around, taking deep breaths. I listened to the radio trying to sing along to anything... anything at all. My mind had seized on the panic, I was trapped in there. It was made worse because I did not want my friend to see me like that, I wanted her to see the nice, together, friend from online.. Instead I was none of those things.
I waited for my friend to show up, I drank coffee from the lobby machine. I waited and trembled. When she showed up I had decided to keep the problem to myself. She would never know because the panic would pass and all would be OK. I cannot say what we did that morning, afternoon or evening... I do know that I told her that I needed to see a DR or something like that. My memories are filled with the feeling of panic and a desparation to not be "wierd" in her presence.
She saw that I was not myself, I think. She stayed with me, keeping me company. She took me to a Urgent care center after my Dr at home had suggested I get XANAX for the panic. I know she was there for me as she always had been when we chatted online. I was worried she would think I was nuts so I tried to control what was happening to me, I think that just made it worse. She sat up with me late into the night, I know she must have felt helpless, neither of us knew what to do. The Xanax wasn't helping.
We got me moved into a different room at a different motel. I must have looked like a june bug on a hot gridle. She was leading me around by the hand... I was helpless, I was panic struck. I wanted to double the Xanax to see if that would help but I couldn't decide. I couldn't make any decisions on my own. The days passed... agonizingly slow.
I had to keep moving, I headed to the airport. I dropped off the rental car and paid an extra $100 for toll fines. I jittered around the airport... I boarded the plane and was seated facing the bulkhead and started to lose it. The stewardess moved me to a different seat.
I was ill for several months after I got home, I slept in my chair unable to lay down. I took xanax at double the original dose. Something had broken inside my mind. I am finally back in a bed and I can even sleep without the lights and TV on. I am off of the Xanax. I feel stronger, almost normal. I cannot leave the house without feeling a lot of anxiety.
Looking back, with a little perspective, there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it from happening. No warning signs were present. No behavior could have helped resolve it. No behavior caused it. I simply had a mental break. I hope I never see anything like that again. But there is no way to be sure. My night terrors, panic attacks come out of nowhere.
I have explained some stresses that I felt on my trip, but I have survived many things that were much worse. When I was a teenager I lived on the streets for a while. I travel to far off and exotic places. There is no excuse why I broke "This time". There is no way of knowing if it will happen again. |
