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| Friday, September 22, 2000 - We awoke the next morning around 8:30 and immediately began getting ready. Brian asked if I wanted to call the SCN and I told him to do it. Neither one of wanted to because we feared what they might tell us. Brian ended up calling and was told Sydney had a fairly good night. They had increased her pain medication a few times though. Brian�s mom and sister called to tell us they were going on over to the hospital. My parents said they would go later to give them time to spend with Sydney. We got in the car and I made sure we had our camera and camcorder. I knew I could never have too many pictures or too much video. Kelsea went with us even though we weren�t sure if she could go in. We figured family could watch her if she wasn�t allowed. |
| Sydney's Story |
| As soon as we walked through the doors at the hospital, we saw Brian�s mother, sister, grandmother, and another relative. Brian�s mom was crying. Oh no! Were we too late? For what seemed like the millionth time in a few days, my heart sank again. However, they told us that Sydney was okay. They were just downstairs during doctor rounds. I went to the restroom to |
| calm myself down while Brian and his sister went out to the car to get something. When Brian and I met up again, he had tears in his eyes. He told me that his sister had told him that Sydney was in pain. She said that when they were visiting her, she kept grimacing and making little noises. |
| Brian and I went upstairs to see Sydney. As soon as we laid eyes on her, we knew. We knew she was suffering. We knew she was in pain. Our baby girl was hurting. We had said from the very beginning that if we ever knew that Sydney was in any pain, then we would not continue life support. If we knew she was suffering, anything other than letting her go would be selfish on our part. The moment we had never wanted to come had arrived. We hadn�t wanted to make this decision. Although we didn�t want Sydney to die, we definitely did not want to be the ones to have to say to turn off the life support. We had hoped God would make the decision for us but it didn�t work out that way. We had prayed that we would be there with Sydney when she dying, and He had answered that prayer. Now we had to be strong and allow Him to take her home. We had to do what no parent should ever have to do. We had to give permission for our baby to die. We had to allow her to quit fighting and finally enable her little body to rest. I don�t remember who actually said the words, Brian or I. All I remember is that we were both crying as soon as we walked into the room. Brian said, "She�s suffering" and I whispered "I know." He said, "I don�t want her to suffer" and I replied that I didn�t either. We had fought so hard for our little baby girl. We had done everything we could for her. We had fought the doctor and we had made sure she had the best care possible. But it wasn�t enough. All of our love was not enough to save her. There was only one more thing we could do for her, the most selfless and heartbreaking thing a mommy and daddy could ever do. One of the nurses had called Dr. M in and he asked if we were wanting to take out the vent. Through our sobs we said we didn�t want to, but we knew we needed to. The time had come and we had to be strong for Sydney�s sake. |
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| Looking back, I still don�t know how we had the strength to let her go. No baby had ever been more wanted or more loved, and yet we couldn�t keep her. Mommy and Daddy couldn�t make it all better this time. Sometimes I still feel like I failed Sydney and let her down. Mommy is supposed to be able to protect her children, yet I couldn�t even do the most basic thing. All the kisses from me in a lifetime would never make this boo-boo go away. I had failed my daughter. Although we had made the decision to end Sydney�s suffering, it was not immediate. We wanted to make sure our families were there to tell her |
| good-bye for the last time. I called my parents and got the answering machine. I left a message, crying, telling them to call the hospital as soon as they could. They immediately called back, they couldn�t get to the phone in time, and I told them to get to the hospital as soon as they could. There was no need to tell them why. I also called my friend Tera and asked her to come. I knew she would be more than willing to take care of Kelsea. After struggling with my memory, I finally was able to remember her work number. She answered and I asked her if she could leave work to come to the hospital. Again, there was no need for an explanation. She left immediately. |
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| While we waited for our families to arrive, we spent every second with Sydney. We videoed every little detail: her beautiful eyelashes, her long feet, the cleft in her chin, her tiny unattached earlobes (like Mommy�s), her thick hair on the side of her head, her tiny fingernails, her sweet little tongue peeking from behind the tubing. Everything. I sang to her and recited every book I could remember to her. I bent down to her level so she could focus a little better. I kissed her fingers and toes and even her nose. Brian comforted her, telling her she would be feeling so much better in a little while. We were given just a few moments to convey what normally takes a lifetime to do. We would |
| never see her run, never hear a belly laugh, never even hear her cry. She would never have a first day of school not even a first pair of shoes. She would never lose her first tooth or even have a first tooth. She and Kelsea would never have a tea party or play Barbies. She would never get her ears pierced, never have a first kiss, never go to prom. Her daddy would never walk her down the aisle and lift her veil. She would never have the chance to confide in me that she thought she and her husband were going to have a baby. Instead, there would forever be an emptiness, a void. Instead, we will forever be thinking what Sydney should be doing. The death of one little baby forever wiped away an entire branch of our family tree, never to be replaced no matter how many other babies may follow. |
| I explained to one of the nurses that I had never been given the paperwork for Sydney�s birth announcement to be included in the newspaper. She gave me one to fill out. I knew more than likely that her obituary would appear before her birth announcement, which it did. I kept asking "Is Leah here? Is Leah here?" Leah is my little sister. She was the last one to arrive at the hospital. I feel guilty because it was as if I was wanting to hurry and end Sydney�s life which was not what I wanted at all. She finally arrived and we knew there was no more reason to wait. Everyone had been in to tell Sydney they loved her. We couldn�t stall anymore. We didn�t want to be in the room when the tubes were removed so it was time for us to leave. I had asked one of the nurses to take pictures for us and another member of the hospital staff was going to video. We walked over to Sydney�s bed for the last time. We told her we would see her in just a little bit after the nurses had removed the tubes. |
| 9/22/00 |