 |
| Thursday, September 21, 2000 - Brian was ready before I was to go to the hospital since I was still very slow so we decided he would go ahead and go over with his brother, sister-in-law, and his sister. Brian�s parents had to leave to take care of some work-related business at home but would return later in the day. My parents came over to the room to take care of Kelsea and get her ready while I was in the shower. While taking my shower and getting dressed, I noticed my milk was coming in. I broke down crying. How could this happen? How was this fair? It�s like I was being teased in some cruel way. My body was ready and willing to give Sydney food but she was unable to take it. If I couldn�t give this nourishment to my daughter which I was so desperately wanted to do, then why in the world did I have to produce it? My body didn�t know that my little girl wasn�t going to live to need to nurse. It was just doing what came naturally. It is not natural for a mommy to outlive her baby. When we arrived at the hospital, I quickly spotted Brian and the rest. Why were they still downstairs and not with Sydney? My heart sank. I went over to him as quickly as I could and he told me that they had not been allowed in yet. A doctor was making rounds and no visitors were allowed at that time. We waited a while and Brian called the nurses� station and he was told we could come on up. |
| Sydney's Story |
 |
| As soon as we walked into the NICU, Dr. K spotted us and said he needed to talk to us as soon as possible. I immediately looked over to make sure Sydney was still in her bed. She was. I had no idea what he could possibly want. He took us into a little side room and explained the situation. As he had said the day before, there was nothing more they could do for Sydney. Her condition was incompatible with life. They could continue to keep Sydney there as long as possible but they were running out of room for other babies. There was a baby at the hospital where Sydney was born that needed special help. If we would be willing to let Sydney go back home, then they could switch and transport that baby to UVA. He wanted us to think it over and let him know as soon as we could what we wanted to do. Dr. K left the room and Brian and I just looked at one another. We could take Sydney back home. Well, not home, but back to where she was born, only 45 minutes from our house. It would be easier for our families and it would allow the other sick baby a chance. We didn�t have a room for the following night because there was a big ball game and almost all of the hotels were booked. We had |
| nowhere to stay. However, would Sydney even be able to survive the ride in the jet? We had been fortunate once, would we be again? What if she died while being transported? What should we do? Brian and I decided to pray about it. It didn�t take us long to decide...we wanted to take Sydney home. We had to trust that God would not allow her to die alone. And we also needed to think about the other little baby and how desperate those parents were feeling. We found Dr. K and told him our decision. He said he would make the necessary arrangements. |
| After washing our hands and donning the gowns, we walked over to Sydney�s bed. She looked so fragile. How much longer would we have with her? Would these next couple of hours before the trip be our last? I noticed she had on a special type of diaper. I asked the nurse tending to her why it was different. She explained that many times when baby girls are exposed to the lights to bring down the bilirubin levels, their ovaries can be damaged. The special diaper was to prevent that from happening. Although the nurse knew that Sydney probably was not going to live much longer, she still cared enough to protect her ovaries, ovaries she would never use, ovaries that would never produce an egg that would result in a child for my child. Tears came to my eyes. My baby girl would never be able to make me a grandmother, but the nurse wanted to do everything she could for her, to take care of her to the best of her abilities. Such a kind gesture that touched this mommy�s heart. |
 |
| I put the rail down so I could kiss my little girl. When I close my eyes, I can still remember the softness of her forehead against my lips. I whispered to her softly, told her Mommy was there, and she wiggled around. I gently caressed her fingers and toes. Brian rubbed her hair and told her Daddy loved her. Kelsea was brought over and read to Sydney again. It didn�t take long for her to get restless though. I asked Brian�s sister to take pictures and video us as a family. I didn�t know if we would have this chance again. We also made sure that we took pictures of each member of the family with her. Before Kelsea left, we told her to kiss Baby Sydney and tell her good-bye. We didn�t know if the two sisters would ever see one another here on Earth again.Dr. K had called the hospital where Sydney was born, telling them we were willing to let Sydney go back, but there was a little confusion. For some reason, it wasn't known if the other baby |
| was still able to be transported. If not, then Sydney would have to stay at UVA. Finally, after many phone calls to various people, we learned the transfer was still on. We asked the rest of our family to please get everything out of the hotel rooms for us so we could stay with Sydney. |
| There was a lot of paperwork to be done and various people had to be called in for the transport. While we were waiting, the nurse asked if I wanted to change Sydney�s diaper. She would need a normal diaper for the flight. I nervously agreed. I was again shocked by how small the diaper was. It was no larger than a dollar bill. The nurse took off the old diaper and handed me a wipe. I was as gentle as possible because I did not want to hurt her. The nurse then lifted Sydney�s hips and I slid the new diaper underneath her. Most parents hate diaper changes. However, this was the only one I was allowed to give Sydney. While Brian and I were standing there talking to Sydney, we heard a strange beep. The nurse quickly ran over and looked at the machines. For some reason, the respirator was not working. She pressed several buttons and adjusted various tubes, but nothing worked. She called for a respiratory therapist. She paged him two or three times before he finally arrived. I panicked. What was going on? I could tell by the numbers on the machine that something was not right. The therapist himself tried to get the machine to function properly but nothing was working. Finally they had to get the less powerful respirator and switch Sydney again. This was going to have to be done before the flight anyway but I didn�t know that until later. While we were standing there waiting for the respirator to begin working again, all I could think was "Should we just tell them to stop? Should we just let Sydney go to Heaven now? Was this a sign?" But I could not bring myself to do it, to say the words. I wasn�t ready to let her go. |
|
| 9/21/00 |