Last updated 6/5/2002.

All this stuff is copyright © the folks mentioned. Don't take stuff. We attempted satire from time to time, especially satire of things topical only to Wooster students in 1992, so if you see a name you recognize, that's why, and you were probably one of our writers. Other more famous names used in the same way without implying anything legally binding about the real person. No challenge to trademarks of companies holding same implied. Void where prohibited. Batteries not included. Some restrictions apply. Contents may settle during shipping. More humorous comments here.

Most of these, as you will see, were written or co-written by me, Eric. That's an accident of text transmission, and not representative of the percentage of sketches I wrote for the troupe. I hope I'll manage to scare up more stuff other people did. If you have some, especially all typed up electronically, e-mail me.

My frequent collaborator was Tim Russell, a friend since 4th grade. He's actually teaching at our old high school now. Poor bastard.

Some sketches were pre-cast, at least in part, and some weren't, so there are gaps in my electronic copies. Fortunately, I have most of these on tape as well, and even after 8 whole years I can recognize most of the voices. The cast lists here represent, to the best of my knowledge, the actual performance.

In his own words:

• Alex Descends into Hell for a Bottle of Milk
by Eric Parks
probable airdate: Friday, Jan. 24, 1992

Why I should never have been allowed to write a sketch by myself, certainly not one based on the title of a U2 instrumental. It was written earlier that same day, and not much earlier, which explains why the others let me get away with it.

Hmmm - perhaps the alphabet is not the best guide for organizing these. I'd really rather this wasn't first. Skip ahead and come back to this one.

The "Oppress-O's" commercial was probably inspired by campus activists' attempts to get Kelloggs cereals banned from the dining halls, since Kelloggs was said to be invested in South Africa. Or maybe it was some other brand.

Thane Norton unwittingly provided the duck joke one dull afternoon at Pennsic XIX or XX.

Probably about 0.237 listeners got my feeble attempt at literary allusiveness, and I suspect they didn't care. But the hamster voices were a hit.

• Car Pirates
by Tim Russell and Eric Parks
probable airdate: Friday, Feb. 7, 1992

Adventure on the high seas! Or the highways. A mere excuse to use our over-the-top pirate voices. One of the most fun to do, I think.

The Ford Pinto reference is probably not topical to a majority of readers, if it was at all in 1992 or indeed any time since Top Secret was made (but was dear to our hearts since in high school Tim drove our band of nerds around in his bright orange Pinto, which never exploded to my knowledge).

The sound effects directions often contained more information than was strictly necessary.

• MacGard
by Gardner C. Key
at least one airdate: Friday, Jan. 17, 1992

Retyped from the script I have of a "Spotlight Showcase Performance" we did (with live remote radio feed from one crappy mike) at the campus snack bar (known for some reason as "Mom's Truck Stop"). It was originally performed the year I was away. The cast list represents that of Jan. '92.

A Shakespeare parody.

• Milk Commercial
by Gary DeVore (?)
at least one airdate: Friday, Jan. 17, 1992

Also from the "Spotlight Showcase." Thus the stage directions were in fact staged.

From the days before "Got Milk?" and TV Guide centerfolds of Sarah Michelle Gellar with white gunk on her upper lip.

This was originally done at some point during the year I was away. I'm pretty sure it's Gary's...

• Mr. Peanut
by Tim Russell and Eric Parks
probable airdate: Friday, Sept. 6, 1991

This grew out of an improvised thing we did in high school. For several years my friends and I would gather on my birthday (June 10 - send me lots of presents, or at least your credit card number and expiration date), have an all-nighter in a tent in the backyard, get doped up on Mountain Dew and Doritos, and turn on a tape recorder. Tim and I mined this material a few times - the 5% that was accessible or actually funny to anyone who wasn't there.

I no longer have the German translations Gard and Gary did for the opening. Maybe I'll transscribe the tape someday.

• News for Apr. 10
by Tim Russell and Eric Parks
probable airdate: Friday, Apr. 10, 1992

Every Footlights show ended with "News," the inclusion of which is a time-honored sketch-comedy tradition. The theme music was the extremely perky pre-programmed "Demo" for a twenty-dollar Casio ToneBank SA-7 keyboard.

On my desktop the MSWord file is entitled "News for April 10," but the sketch itself is titled otherwise. Internal clues lead me to believe that it was in fact April 10. I've left the title as it was, however, just to confuse you.

It was little siblings weekend at the C.O.W., and so we pressed them into service. My brother, then 9, was among them.

"... sacrifices a carpet to the greater glory of Cthulhu" was apparently a reference to the Wooster Chorus spring tour Tim and I had undergone the previous month. John "Jack" Russell, no relation to Tim or the terrier (or in fact to Cthulhu), director of the chorus, hated the acoustics of carpeted venues and spoke often of wanting a "carpet Terminator" to accompany us and lay waste to the decor of Presbyterian churches from Ohio to Massachusetts.

See? Even with an explanation the topical humor isn't funny. So I won't bother with the rest.

Our faculty advisor at the time was in fact Peter Havholm.

• The Nosebreaking Sketch
by Eric Parks and Tim Russell
probable airdate: Friday, Sept. 6, 1991

But it may be that I unjustly blame Tim. He did one of the voices, though.

I think this may in fact have been one of the sketches I wrote while I was in Athens and sent back to the troupe to use as they would. They ended up being fused by Teg into a bizarre medley. The worthier ones, or at least the ones I still had a copy of when we were desperate for material, were redone in their entirety the following year.

The voice of Nargwiggler was done by Steve Schroeter, who had a terrible cold that night. It gave him a certain sepulchrality, if that's a word, that we gleefully exploited in this and other sketches.

• Refugees
by Eric Parks and Harold M. "Chip" Summers III
probable airdate: Friday, Nov. 1, 1991

Another sketch growing out of improvised high school material, this one by Chip and me while riding back, if I remember, in the orange Pinto from an In The Know match in Columbus. Tim no doubt added some refining touches.

There's no significance to the recurring use of the name "Alex."

This belongs to the category of "derivative Python" sketches Footlights tried not to do but kept doing anyway. Yes, the mother spoke in falsetto with a British accent, even though we had all those perfectly good women in the cast.

• Regeneration
by Eric Parks and Tim Russell
probable airdate: Friday, Nov. 22, 1991

... and another one, from the orange Pinto, with a British accent. Interview sketches are a Python staple, of course, and an obvious format for radio comedy.

Perhaps too obvious. But we had fun with this one.

• Sitcom
by Eric Parks
probable airdate: Friday, Nov. 1, 1991

... Whatever. I swear I do not not now, nor have I ever had, a drug problem.