Narrator:  Largo Key
Girl:  Sus Salmon
Mommy:  Heidi Ertel
Father:  Steve Schroeter
Antepenultimate Pirate:  Chris Farrell
Sea Slime:  Eric Parks
Captain:  Tim Russell
Penultimate Pirate:  Gar Bar DeVore
Ultimate Pirate:  Scott Roy Dixon
Ha fooled you one more Pirate:  Cricket

(Music:  really cool pirate music)
 

Narrator: Hearken ye now back to those swashbuckling days of high sea adventure, when pirates ruled the waves, all women had heaving bosoms, and all men had wooden body parts.  Well, uhm, not really, but those days were pretty fun, you have to admit.  Actually, this is only a cheap and pale imitation of those days.  Well, really it’s not even that good, but here it is anyway.  The Footlights players present...Car Pirates.  The scene...a major interstate highway somewhere in the continental United States, some unspecified but insignificant amount of time in the past...

Girl:  How much longer, Mommy?

Mommy:  Not much farther, kiddo.  We’re almost to the rest stop.  Ten more minutes.

Girl:  But Mommy, I hafta GO!

Father:  But you just went.  I told you not to drink that Pepsi.

Girl:  But Daddy, that was yesterday when we were still in Utah!

Mommy:  Uh, dear...

Father:  That was only fourteen hours ago.  It wasn’t yesterday.

Mommy:  Dear...

Father:  You’ve got to learn to hold it like we did back in the war.

Mommy:  Dear!

Father:  What?

Mommy:  There’s a blue Ford Escort trying to run us off the road.

Father:  Blue Ford Escort?

Mommy:  Yes!  And they’re flying the Jolly Roger!

Narrator:  Yes!  It was the dreaded Car Pirates, the terror of Interstate 37!  Many a minivan had gone down before their rapacious might, many a U-haul plundered, and many a gas tank drained to enrich their fuel-lined purses.  And now they had a new target:  the Johnsons!

Antepenultimate Pirate:  Harr!  Thar she is!  First Mate, shall I alert the Captain?

Sea Slime:  Nay, you’re needed here above decks.  He’s in his cabin.  I’ll go meself.

(F/X:  Rather a long walk)

(F/X:  Knocking on an oak-panelled door carved with scenes of nautical violence)

Sea Slime:  Captain!  Captain Crud!  The station wagon we’ve been trailin’ is at last in range!

Captain:  (from far within)  Right!  I’ll be right out!

(F/X:  Some mysterious thunks, followed by another rather long walk, then...a door opening!!  Go nuts, Josh, you studmuffin.)

Captain:  What’s the distance?

Sea Slime:  Fifteen fathoms, by my mark.

Captain:  First mate?

Sea Slime:  Aye?

Captain:  Aren’t fathoms a measure of...depth?

Sea Slime:  (embarassed pause)  Uhm, aye sir.  I just meant to say they’re in the next lane.

Captain:  Right!  Load the cannon!

Narrator:  Meanwhile, the Johnsons watched the pirates’ predatorial preparations with something akin to dread.

Mommy:  Bob!  Drive faster!  They’re loading the cannons!

Father:  I’m driving as fast as I can!  But this stretch of highway is patrolled by radar!

Girl:  Look at all the pirates!  There must be...twenty-seven of them!  How can they all fit in that car?

Mommy:  Drive faster, Bob!  Drive faster!

Father:  Don’t panic!  But get my cutlass and blunderbuss out of the glove compartment...just in case.

Captain:  Look at them go!  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (etc.)  First Mate!  Prepare to fire!

First Mate:  Prepare to fire!

Penultimate pirate:  Prepare to fire!

Ultimate pirate:  Prepare to fire!  Oh, that’s me.  Preparing to fire, sir.

Penultimate pirate:  Preparing to...

Captain:  I heard him, dammit.  He’s sitting right next to me.

Penultimate:  Sorry, sir.

Captain:  On my mark, prepare...wait for it...wait for it...FIRE!

All the Pirates:  Fire!!  Where!!  (screams of Fire!  Get the buckets!  Yangin var!  Help!  Et Cetera!  and so forth.)

Captain:  No, you fools!  Shoot the cannon!  Shoot the cannon!

(F/X:  Sound of bullet bouncing off of metal;  the report of small arms)

Captain:  No, no, no, no, NO!   Fire the cannon at the station wagon!  Fire the damn...

Ha fooled you one more Pirate:  Uh, sir?

Captain:  What!!!!!!!

Ha fooled you one more Pirate:  They’ve pulled into a rest area.  We’ve lost them.

Captain:  Curses!  Well...what’s that car in front of us?  Helmsman, ramming speed!

Sea Slime:  Uh, sir?

Captain:  Yes, First mate?

Sea Slime:  Do you really think that’s wise, sir?  I mean...

Captain:  Is the first mate questioning the captain’s orders?  This is mutiny, mister!

Penultimate:  Three fathoms to impact.

Captain:  All right!  We’ll take ourselves a fair prize this day after all!

Sea Slime:  But Captain...it’s...

Antepenultimate:  Two...

Sea Slime:  I mean, it’s not mutiny as such, it’s just that...

Captain:  Damn the torpedoes, mister!  Full speed ahead!

Ha fooled you:  Torpedoes?

Ultimate:  Damn you, torpedoes!  Bad torpedoes!

Antepenultimate:  One...

Sea Slime:  But sir!

Captain:  What?  What is it that’s so important?

Sea Slime:  It’s just that the car ahead of us is a Ford Pint...

(F/X:  Boom)