Announcer 1:  Tater Bud
Announcer 2:  Chris
Sibling A:  Joshua S.K. Parks
Sibling B:  A Younger Sort of Farthing
Sibling C:  Some other Feetlight sib, or Mike Mattison, or a visiting significant other or perhaps even a castmember who wants some cheap and easy lines [I don't have this one on tape]
Sports Guy:  Scott
Gary: Gary
John-Boy Walton: Teg-Boy Smith
Weatherbabe:  Cricket
Announcer 3:  Heidi
Announcer 4:  Gary
 

(Music:  The Casio News Theme)

Announcer 1:  Good midnight and welcome to the less-than-official WCWS Midnight News.  At the top of the news, President Henry Copeland’s surprise resignation has rocked the campus.  A panicked crowd threw rocks and shovelfuls of rice pilaf at Bissman Hall, while Beall Avenue became the site of a scene of indescribable apathy.  However, when it sunk in that it wasn’t going to take effect for three more years, people relaxed and went about their business as usual.  With more campus news, here’s Chris Farrell.

Announcer 2:  It’s Little Sibs weekend here on the College of Wooster campus, when younger brothers and sisters of Wooster students flood the campus for fun and games in a cheap and underhanded attempt to entertain them enough so that they will consider applying to Wooster when they graduate from high school in ten years.  We asked several of these little brats how they were enjoying their visits here so far.

Sibling A:  (as if reading)  I think that the College of Wooster is a real cool place and I think that I want to come here just like my big sister Edna.  Gosh, this college is...what’s this word here?

Sibling B:  I just wanted to say that this place is evil and that my older brother and sister who go here are misguided tools of Satan.  Death to the tyrant lizard!

Sibling C:  I just came here for the beer.  Oops, sorry, you didn’t hear that, Mom and Dad.

Announcer 1:  And in sports...

Sports Guy:  Now that this whole college basketball thing is settled, we can get on with our lives knowing that baseball season is finally here.  But most important, that means...intramural softball!  Yes, it’s that time of year where groups of losers get drunk and throw slow pitches at some dumb girl who’s never held a bat while fraternities and sororities look on eating their raw hot dogs while listening to old Meat Loaf tunes and the school chorus sacrifices a carpet to the greater glory of Cthulhu and...ahem.  Sorry.  On the ice, the Celtics beat the Indians 95 love.  Wait, that’s not right...

Announcer 1:  In national news, famed businessman and entrepeneur Sam Walton, who instituted the successful Wal-mart department store chain, died this week.  Here with an interview of Walton’s only surviving relative, grand-uncle John-Boy Walton, is Gary DeVore.

Gary: Thank you for the interview, Mr. Walton.

John-Boy: What??  I’m ‘fraid I caint here you!

Gary: Thank you for the interview, Mr. Walton!

John-Boy: Oh, bout ‘42, there was a big wind you see...

Gary: Uhm, that’s not quite what I--

John-Boy: The roof had blown off onto the Bessie-Cow.  We had the Julie-Cow, the Bessie-Cow, and François-Goat.  I named him myself.  ‘Course then old Grannie-Woman threw Sam-Boy in front of the pick-up...

Gary: Sam-Boy!  Yes!  That’s who I wanted to ask you about!

John-Boy: Sam-Boy, yes I remember him well.  I never forget the time we were down by the old swimmin hole, and Sam-Boy was holding little Katye-Girl under the water, then Papa-Man hit him over the head with Bonzo-Dog, gave him a concussion...

Gary: Sam-Boy or the dog?

John-Boy: Neither.  Papa-Man.  Missed old Sam-Boy by a country mile.  Course then the bombs started flying left and right...[ad-lib some death and destruction]

Gary: Thank you, Mr. Walton.  Back to you, Tim.

Announcer:  And in the weather...

Weatherbabe:  (James Brown voice) It’s hot, really hot.  i feel good.  Get down.  Get back up.  Yeah.

Announcer 1: Thank you.

Weatherbabe: (grunt) huh

Announcer 1:  And in entertainment news...

Announcer 3:  Footlights Presents Itself was performed this evening by Tim Russell, Scott Dixon, Gary DeVore, Gardner Key, Teg Smith, Eric Parks, Josh Farthing, Cricket Foell, Chris Farrell, Heidi Ertel, and Laurel Springer, with special guests (names of siblings here).  Material was written by Steve Schroeter, Eric, Gary, Scott , Teg and Tim.  Sound effects by Josh.  Deejaying by Laurel with technical assistance from her evil twin spotted newt Skippy-Bob and a tubful of guacamole.

Announcer 4:  Footlights would like to thank Andy Gardner, Kara Swinehart, Thatcher Thomas, Dylan Devries, Erik Ackerman, Chris Palestrant, Richard Figge, Peter Havholm, Thane, Joh, Lyndsey, Steve, Steve, Sarah and Sus and several other people for their fine nutbread recipes.  Footlights is a College of Wooster based comedy troupe that promotes and encourages radio drama as well as armed conflict between rival dance companies, faculty advisor Peter Sellers.

Announcer 1:  Coming up next on WCWS, Helmut und Gunther present Disco Classics of the 1940’s.