Announcer:  Steve
Sidney:  Gard
Jean:  Sus
Ed:  Tim
Betty:  Cricket
Carlos:  Scott (?)

(F/X:  Bad sitcom music.)

Announcer:  “The Life and Times of Sid and Jean” is brought to you by Nizbar and Fissle Huh, makers of the Home Enema Party Kit. Tonight’s episode:  “The Dinner Party.”

(F/X:  Door opens.)

Sidney:  Hi, honey!  I’m home!

(F/X:  Laugh track.)

Jean:  Sidney!  Hurry up and change!  Company’ll be here any minute!

Sidney:  What do you mean, “company”?

Jean:  Don’t you remember?  Ed is coming over tonight with his new fiancée!

Sidney:  Call them and cancel.

(F/X:  Laugh track.)

Jean:  But why?

Sidney:  Jean, I’ve had a rough day at work, selling tractors door to door.  My arms are tired from all the lifting and I just want to sit down and watch the game.  Besides, I don’t think I could deal with Ed tonight.

Jean:  What’s wrong with my little brother?

Sidney:  Jean, you know what the man does for fun.

Jean:  He visits nursing homes!  So?  Those people are lonely.  They look forward to a visit from a friend, or relative, or complete stranger...

Sidney:  Jean!  That’s not the point.  He doesn’t visit them to cheer them up!  He goes to scare them, dressed as the Grim Reaper!

(F/X:  Car sounds.)

Jean:  They’re here.  Go get dressed.

(F/X:  Laugh track.)

(F/X:  Sidney goes upstairs, grumbling.)

(F/X [again]:  Door knocks, door opens.)

Jean:  Ed!

Ed:  Hi, Jeannie!  I’d like you to meet my fiancée, Betty.

(F/X:  Laugh track after a pause.)

Ed:  Oh, is there somewhere I could put this rubber scythe?  I just came from the Home.

Jean:  Right over there.  Oh, Betty, I’m glad to meet you.  We’re all happy that Ed is dating real women again.

Betty:  Thank you.  Nice to meet you too.

Jean:  Here, let me take your coat.

(F/X:  Laugh track.)

Betty:  Thanks.  What should I do with the rest of my clothes?

Jean:  Put them over there, in the fish tank.  What do you do for a living, Betty?

Betty:  I’m the Queen of England.

Jean:  Oh, how nice.  Well, Sidney’s upstairs getting ready, but he should be down in a few minutes.  So have a seat and I’ll get you something to drink.

Betty:  Oh, that would be lovely.  Ed wants some human lymph and I’ll have three bottles of Kahlua in a dirty bucket, shaken not stirred.

Jean:  Ice?

Betty:  Oh, no thanks, I brought my own.

Ed:  That’s why I love her, sis.

Jean:  I’ll be right back.  You make yourselves comfortable.

(F/X:  Laugh track after a pause.)

Ed:  Will someone fix that damn laugh track?

(F/X:  Knock at the door.)

Jean: (calling from kitchen)  Get that, will you Ed?

(F/X:  Door opens.)

Carlos:  (Spanish accent) Hello, my name is Carlos can I come in thanks.  Nice place you’ve got here.  What’s on TV hey is that real human lymph mmm good so what’s in the fridge?

Announcer:  The year is unimportant.  Throughout Europe the people huddle in fear, wondering when that fatal knock at the door will come.  The dark years of...the Spanish Imposition.

Carlos:  I hate to be a bother but could you pick up my cousin at the airport?  He’ll have to stay here but it’s only for a few months until the Interpol agents lose the trail.  So, when are you having dinner?  I’m starved.

Announcer:  Will Sidney and Jean and their invited guests escape with their lives and integrity intact?  Will President Jefferson arrive in time to stop the cake from burning?  For the answers to these questions and other, less vexing ones, tune in next week for the continuing adventures of Sid and Jean.

Carlos:  Hey!  Why are these clothes in the fish tank?  This chair’s really comfortable mind if I turn on the TV hey wake me up when it’s time to eat...