Announcer:  Tim
Dr. Emmanuel Kathrango:  Eric

ANNOUNCER:  Good evening, and welcome to another Believe it or Else. Tonight we have with us Dr. Emmanuel Kathrango of London, who has been doing some interesting experiments on...what was it again, Doctor?

KATHRANGO:  (Bad London accent) The regenerative powers of the human body.

ANNOUNCER:  Ah, yes.  Would you care to tell us about your work?

KATHRANGO:  Yes, well, as you perhaps know, many creatures have the ability to regenerate--grow again--lost tissue or even whole limbs, like lizards that lose and regrow a tail, or crabs and starfish that regenerate arms.  The human body is less capable of this, but does show some regenerative powers. For example, if you scrape your knee riding a bicycle--

ANNOUNCER:  --or skateboard--

KATHRANGO:  Yes, or skateboard, then the tissue will heal;  it will regenerate.  We’ve been doing research into the limitations of human regeneration.  For example, we’ve discovered that in the majority of cases, someone whose hand’s been cut off won’t be able to grow it back.

ANNOUNCER:  And do you perform this research on yourself?

KATHRANGO:  We’ve had an abundance of willing volunteers.  As you can see, I am quite whole.

ANNOUNCER:  And is this perhaps due to your own remarkable regenerative powers?

KATHRANGO:  Well, to an extent.  I possess the same regenerative capabilities we all do.  When I fall off my bicycle--

ANNOUNCER:  Or skateboard.

KATHRANGO:  (pause)  ...or skateboard, and scrape myself, the tissue heals.  However, as a result of my work, I have developed my capabilities beyond this point.

ANNOUNCER:  Yes, I couldn’t help noticing the extra arm.

KATHRANGO:  (shyly)  Do you like it?  I just grew it this morning.

ANNOUNCER:  So quickly?  Growing an arm--a whole arm--in just a few hours is quite a feat.

KATHRANGO:  Yes, well, you see, I’ve had over twelve years of practice.  I spent about five years in a Turkish prison, where there was little else to do besides sit in my cell and grow my cells.  Ha ha.  I fine-tuned my abilities during that time.

ANNOUNCER:  I see. And is it true that trolls can only be killed by fire?

KATHRANGO:  (pause)  Excuse me?

ANNOUNCER:  (pause, during which we may imagine, if John Cleese were playing this character in a visual medium, that he might stare past Kathrango's left shoulder for a moment, then break out of his trance.) Sorry, next question.  I understand that you’ve put together some sort of regeneration camp...?

KATHRANGO:  Ah yes.  You see, I decided that my methods should be available to others, so I began the regeneration camps.  We’ve worked out a deal with the Turkish government that allows our clients the time for contemplation and listening to my instructional cassette, with varied results.  Some of our clients have even developed eyes in the backs of their heads.

ANNOUNCER:  I see.

KATHRANGO:  No, they do!  Ha ha.

ANNOUNCER:  And what are the advantages of an extra arm or leg?

KATHRANGO:  Well...

(F/X:  Sound of saw or chainsaw)

Karthago:  ...if I cut off this arm here, I still have two left.  See?  However, extra legs aren’t working out too well, because it’s bloody difficult to get the hang of them.

ANNOUNCER:  Any outstanding achievements?

KATHRANGO:  I think our most successful, or at any rate profitable, client is a prostitute from Birmingham...

ANNOUNCER:  Save your sick sordid details for Oprah.  Or maybe you could tell me about it over dinner...

KATHRANGO:  Excuse me?!

ANNOUNCER:  Join us next week when we speak with Louis Abernathy, a man who claims to have developed a thermonuclear hand grenade that we’ll see demonstrated right here in our studio.  Until then, Believe it or else.