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2007 2006 2005 2004 2003 |
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"I love guns. They won't give me a gun, though, because I don't have a license... to kill." 12/04
"One patient last week had the last name Crapo. Unbelievable." in a letter, 11/04
"You're too cheap to buy me a draconian diamond." to Dad, upon viewing a Zales
ad for cubic zirconia rings, 11/04 "The Yankees get their just desserts." 11/04
"Denial's ten fourths of the law." 11/04
Mommo: Is that Elton? Dad: Yeah. Mommo: Is that Elton? Dad: Yes. Mommo: That's Elton, isn't it? Dad: (Sighs. Doesn't respond.) Mommo: Hey! That's Elton! He's a little cheesecake, isn't he? Dave: A little cheesecake? He's a little cheesecake? Mommo (to Dad, ignoring Dave): He's a little cheesecake, huh? Dad: (Doesn't respond.) Mommo (reflexively): Yeah. I like him. Yeah... (to Dad): He's gay, you know. upon viewing a commercial
featuring Elton John, 11/04 "The bitch is still bitchy, but not as bitchy to me." on her supervisor, 10/04
"The bitch is a bitch. She's a bitch no matter what." on her supervisor, one week
before the preceding quote, 10/04 "You were a fat chug-o-lard." on Dave, as a child, 10/04
"He's getting funky." in response to the channel 4
weatherman's new outfit, 10/04 "A little bit is okay. It keeps you alert. It keeps you awake." on torture, 10/04
"He should be president. He's so cute." on Arnold Schwarzenegger, 10/04
"Can't put that on your resume." upon hearing about a man's
unsuccessful suicide attempt, 09/04 "So you get a freebie?" to Dad, upon learning that veterans are buried
free of charge at Otis military base, 09/04 "How was the ashes-in-the-river thing?" to Dad, after Buddy's memorial service, 09/04
"Look at his little brain going." on Dad, 09/04
"He's gay. He had to be. Nobody writes like that." on Shakespeare, 09/04
"They're a happy family." enigmatic response to a question about
our neighbors' landscaping practices, 09/04 "He's made of more primordial ooze than the rest of us." on Dave, 09/04
"Cats don't have brains. Their heads are mainly big eyeballs." 09/04
"That's the best show there is. Nobody can beat The Simpsons as far as everything goes." 09/04
"He's acting stupid. He's not usually stupid." on Dad, 08/04
"I start with the Enquirer, the more important one. Then I read the regular, the less important one." upon being asked which she reads first:
the Enquirer or the actual newspaper, 08/04 "There's no excuse for this phenomenal mess." on Dad's work area, 08/04
"When he tears the sting ray into a million pieces he shows the depth of his shallowness." 07/04
"You poopie now, or forever hold your poopie." to the dog, 07/04
"I'm gonna stop speaking to him." about Dave, MFC's main
quote supplier, 07/04 "She's obsessed with cat power. She won't rest until cats have taken over the world." on the cat, who was, at the time,
sitting quietly and contentedly, 07/04 "String beans can not stand in the way of true love." 06/04
"You're a latte freak." to Dave, 06/04
"Doctor Phil - what an ass!" 06/04
"Extra fat. With two jelly doughnuts on the side." on her preferred type of ice cream, 06/04
"You need to eat. I don't want to be responsible for your, um, emancipation." warning about emaciation, 06/04
"I don't care that you're cute. That doesn't cut it anymore. That doesn't cut the soufflé." to the dog, 06/04
"Oh, do we have to get out now? I don't want to go out there, back into that world." after a long car ride, 06/04
"I got the toddler job today. I start work on Monday. The kids are little and cute. I may just take one home." 05/04
"You're a total idiot." to Dave, 05/04
"I got bored today and so I went to Google and typed in ASSHOLES for fun. The 2 following pages contain information about ASSHOLES." explanation of enclosures in a letter,
(original capitalization preserved), 04/04 "I'm watching Jerry Springer now. People are beating each other up. No one has taken their clothes off yet." 04/04
"I like how one guy beats up another guy, and it's legal." on pro-wrestling, 02/04
"Yeah, well, that's okay." upon being asked whether the Viking
practice of capturing small birds and attaching burning twigs to their legs (so that they in turn set the thatched roofs of about-to-be-plundered villages on fire) is a form of animal cruelty, 02/04 "It's my only vice." on her addiction to
televised pro-wrestling, 02/04 "The eggs are making me crazy. I think they're alive." on the process of
scrambling, 02/04 "This is my dream commercial, come to life." on the spongmonkey (sic)
Quiznos commercials, 02/04 "Plunder. I like that." in admiration of the Vikings, 02/04
"You're a can maniac." to Dad, on the extent of
his cooking skills, 02/04 "A good belch is good for you. It makes you feel alive." after belching, 02/04 "Aw heck. What is this shit." while taking an elementary
school-level math quiz, 02/04 |