And what is my crime that landed me here with my children? Simply being.... existing. I am in this shelter because according to the world I deserve to be. This is the place for 'people like me.' This is where those who believe the best of their abusers/users and who believe that people can change, end up. This place is where those who "are not strong enough to expose their abusers earlier" end up. This is where we are sent to be locked up "for our own protection" while our abusers run free. Heaven help us if we take away their rights; hold them accountable for the hell they impose on others. This is where we must go to protect our extended families and friends from harm... to keep him from hurting them too. This is where we are kept to be tossed into the fray of welfare, public assistance, sneering sarcastic grocery clerks, project housing, dangerous low income neighborhoods, crime-ridden streets walked on foot, degrading looks from others as we quickly pass by the candy counter and I must say for the thousandth time, "I'm sorry, I don't have enough money for that." Why are we here? Simply because we exist... because we were chosen by one who emerged from a slimy pool of taught depraved behavior, who charismatically grabbed a hold of me to drag me down with him into his dark depression, steel-like grip of power and control, his terror of mental illness and generations of abusive traditions.

It is now up to me to keep my children from losing hope and being pulled into this pit with slimy walls that are hard to grasp and climb. Somehow I deserve this, but why? And somehow I must raise these children from this pit without their getting slimy... but how? I have no home, no family, no friends, no money, no car, no hope. I am alone again in my nightmare.

(Written July 18, 1998 after being in "safe house" shelters for three weeks and running from 20 years of sexual, emotional, social and physical abuse and attempted murder. I was sent from the first shelter, which was full, to three more before gaining hope and moving out to live in a campground for a month, then one more shelter before obtaining a residence of our own.... a four month journey of homelessness and despair.)

I have learned "why?" in the years that have passed since being at this point of hopelessness. Someone has to break the circles of violence and abuse. If not me, then who? I feel privileged now to have gone through these experiences and to have learned that it's not impossible to break the chains of abuse cycles. I am grateful that there is healing available and I'm grateful to have been humbled enough to reach out and ask for help. I know now that there is nothing wrong with me, but there is a lot right with me. That is what I've learned. I'm so very grateful the Lord was there to help build me up after this despair filled experience. If I can do it... YOU can do it!