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SIGNS TO LOOK FOR IN A
"BATTERER" PERSONALITY
Remember... a "batterer" does not mean someone who physically hits...
Predatory behaviors often fall under the category of a "batterer."
Many individuals are interested in ways that may predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be abusive. Below is a list of behaviors seen in people who abuse their intimate partners.
The last four signs are almost always seen if the person is a batterer. If the person has several of the other behaviors (three or more) there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer.
In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that can be identified, but they are often exaggerated (e.g., extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially, the batterer may try to explain his/her* behavior as signs of his love and concern, which may be flattering at first. However, as time goes on, the behaviors often become more severe and more frequent.
This information is reflected in many judicial websites. The Third Judicial District Court in Idaho offers this same information on its website.
- JEALOUSY-
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. He may question the woman about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends and even her own children.
- CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR-
At first, the batterer might say that this behavior is because he is concerned for the woman�s safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He may be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment. He might question her closely about where she went and who she talked to. As this behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, herself or going to church. He may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room. He might keep her from seeking medical help for any reason, whether it is related to his behavior or not.
- QUICK INVOLVEMENT-
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. He may come on like a whirlwind claiming "love at first sight," and he may tell the woman flattering things such as, "You�re the only person I could ever talk to," or "I�ve never felt loved like this by anyone," or "I love you so much, I can't live without you." He needs someone desperately and may pressure the woman to commit to him. Desperation is not love.
- UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS-
He may be very dependent on the woman for all of his needs. He might expect her to be the perfect wife, mother, lover and friend. He may say things like, "If you love me, I�m all you need; you�re all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home. He may require her to work, rather than him.
- ISOLATION-
The man might try to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has male friends, she may be called a "whore." If she has female friends, she may be called a "lesbian." If she is close to family, she is accused of being "tied to the apron strings." He may accuse people who are her supporters of "causing trouble." He may want to live in the country without a home, he may not let her use the car, or he may try to keep her from working or going to school. He may also isolate her from the children if she tries to protect them. He may require her to work, rather than him, so he can remain at home with the children as a constant threat to their safety while also remaining in control of the finances. He may lie to her friends or those whom she associates with in order to destroy what relationships she has in order to further isolate and manipulate her.
- BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS PROBLEMS-
If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always "doing him wrong" or "out to get him." He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on doing his job. He may tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
- BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS FEELINGS-
He might tell the woman, "You make me mad," "You�re hurting me by not doing what I ask," or "I can�t help being angry." In reality he actually makes the choice of what he thinks and feels, but he may use his inability to control his own feelings to manipulate the woman. In a subtle way, he might claim that "You make me happy," and "You control how I feel."
- HYPERSENSITIVITY-
The man might be easily insulted, he may claim his feelings are "hurt" when he�s really very mad, or might take the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. He may rant and rave about the injustice of things that have happened to him, things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with household chores.
- CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN-
This is when an individual may punish animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two-year old for wetting their diaper, burn them for crying), or he may tease children or young siblings until they cry (50% of men who beat women they are with, also beat their children). He may also want children to eat at the table or expect them to remain in their room all evening while he is home.
- "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX-
The man may like to throw the woman down and/or hold her down during sex. He may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He is letting her know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and use sulking, anger or threats to injure the children in order to manipulate her into compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
- VERBAL ABUSE-
The man might say things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful to the woman (e.g., degrading the woman, cursing her, running down her accomplishments). The man might tell her she is stupid and unable to function without him, or tell her not to think or that she is incapable of thinking for herself and he must do the thinking for her. This behavior may involve waking her up to verbally abuse her or not allow her to go to sleep.
- RIGID SEX ROLES-
The man might expect the woman to serve him. He might say she must stay at home, that she must obey him in all things, even things that are criminal or hurtful in nature. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, more stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
- DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE-
Many women are confused by their abuser�s "sudden" changes in mood. They will describe it as "one minute he�s nice and the next minute he explodes," or "one minute he�s happy and the next minute he�s sad." This does not necessarily indicate mental illness or that he is "crazy," but it is possible. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat or batter their partners. These behaviors are related to characteristics such as hypersensitivity and immaturity just as easily as whether they are related to bipolarity or schizoaffective disorder, etc.
- PAST BATTERING-
The man may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses that the man is abusive. Unless treated, a past batterer will continue to batter. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality, but recidivism (returning to former criminal behaviors) is very likely in past batterers.
- THREATS OF VIOLENCE-
This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. "I�ll slap your mouth off," "I�ll kill you," or "I�ll break your neck." Most men do not threaten their mates, but a batterer may try to excuse this behavior by saying "Everybody talks like that." This category includes threats to the children or woman's family if she doesn't comply with what he wants.
- BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS-
This behavior is used as a punishment (e.g., breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The man may beat on tables with his fist and throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior. Only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or manipulate them.
- ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT-
This may involve a man holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving a room, and any pushing or shoving. (The man may hold the woman against a wall and say, "You�re going to listen to me.")
*Reference to the perpetrator as a male may be substituted if the perpetrator is a female. However, females are victims of family violence at a rate three times that of males (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1993, Washington DC, p. 25. Frieze, IH & Browne A, 1987. "Violence in Marriage," Family Violence, Ed. L Ohlin & MN Tony, Chicago
This article adapted from NiCarthy, Ginny, 1986. Getting Free, Seal Press, Seattle WA.
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