Many times during our separations he threatened suicide, or worse... that he'd kill the children and me and then himself. He'd say that this life is too hard and our children didn't deserve to grow up as he did or suffer with the problems of this world. He believed they'd be better off in the hands of God than living this life with all its troubles. He twisted and distorted our religious beliefs against me and to defend himself, saying I needed to be submissive to his abusiveness. I started to understand that his behavior was completely against everything I believed and everything I believed the Savior to represent. His choice to resist any kind of treatment was even more evidence that he had no concern with others or the affect of his behavior on others.

This separation and divorce was a little different. After his threats no longer held the power they once had (and I had the support of a kind ecclesiastic leader) my life started to improve. He still showed up daily and called to see what I was doing or where I was, but it was better than the terrifying and irrational behavior experienced previously. I was not yet counseled and self-educated enough to realize that it was the same behavior in a different form and that he was now obsessing.

I received constant criticism in both directions. I was wrong for divorcing... I was right to divorce and hadn't done it soon enough... I never should have married him... I should have stayed married and stuck it out no matter how difficult or violent it was.... etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseum. A well meaning neighbor of another religion came over one day, with her bible, and quoted me all the scriptures regarding divorce. I quoted her several about husbands being benevolent toward their wives and appropriate behavior. She left spouting hellfire and brimstone, figurtively smacking her bible, informing me that I knew I was out of line and needed to be submissive, humble and meek and go back to my marriage... good or bad. She left me in tears and feeling very confused and alone.

Over the next several months, his stalking began to be more serious. He'd show up at any time of night, call me at any time of day or night, while still carrying on his own inappropriate behavior with other individuals. After the divorce was final, my car was having electrical problems and a I had my car worked on by a former boyfriend of several of his sisters. He was willing to do it for free and I needed the help. It was completely innocent and we are only friends. He worked for a restaurant and got free meals so he offered to get me a free meal as well since we'd been working for several hours. My exhusband had me paged at the restaurant, threatened me on the phone then showed up there just as we were leaving. We left without our food. His stalking and threats continued, and then he made an abrupt change.

He began attending church. He said he'd read a book that had changed his heart. His bishop told me he was a changed man. We met with a higher ecclesiastic leader who told us that he was either a changed man, or he was as cunning as the devil himself... he was not sure which. I wanted everything to be "right" and had originally married for time and all eternity, so when my ex-husband appeared to be a changed man and asked me to remarry him... I said yes, then no, then yes. It seemed like there was a change, it felt like there was a change. I prayed about it and felt strongly that it was the right thing to do. The children and I had included him in our daily prayers that he'd have a softening of his heart and he'd find happiness. I never prayed that he'd come back, only that he'd have a change of heart and learn to follow the Savior.

We snuck away to the county courthouse, were remarried in jeans and shorts and then went home to tell our children. We took the marriage certificate into my bedroom, called all three children in my room and showed them the certificate. The oldest was seven and all three could read very well. They jumped all over us laughing and hugging and kissing. It seemed like it was the right thing to do.

It was an uphill battle because so many people knew our past and knew what we'd been through. My family was not supportive of this decision, but were not openly critical... and even though his family supported the divorce and had told me I needed to follow through with it, they also supported us being remarried. The abuse did not begin again immediately... it took several months before I started to see the sickening signs that nothing had changed.