When I called the Police Department to get an idea who it was I should meet with, I was transferred to the Domestic Violence Division. The Victim's Advocate talked to me for a moment and helped calm me down. I started to stammer and say I was calling for someone else, but decided that I really did want help. She suggested that I come down to her office and talk. I was shocked and relieved to find that I would be meeting with a female. I know this shouldn't have been a factor, but for most women it is. I drove down to the police department and met with her.

She took me into a quiet room. I second guessed myself the entire way. I didn't know what in the world I was doing there, but I knew what I'd be going home to if he found out I'd gone to the police. We were an upstanding family very involved in our church and community. To "front him off" (as he called it) like this was going to cost me; this I knew for certain. With this weighing heavily on my mind, I began to rattle off my fears, talking a mile a minute. I was shaking and nervous. She asked me some questions and helped me to slow down and try to talk calmly. I wasn't hysterical... but I tend to talk fast when I'm nervous and I was dumping everything out all at once. I knew I'd likely back out or be too afraid to talk about it if I didn't get it over with at this moment.

She had a big smile and a southern accent, unusual for the midwestern town I lived in. I asked her if my experiences were considered "abusive." You know... the "A" word. Everyone talks about it but I didn't have bruises for everyone to see. I hadn't been put in the hospital directly from his being physically violent, but I did end up with many "stress induced" illnesses (as my physician called them) such as depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, emotional truma, migraine headaches, stomach upset, malfunctioning immune system, sleep deprivation, as well as personal injuries incurred from interpersonal violence (rape) which I wouldn't discuss with anyone for many years still to come. I became confused and frustrated and wanted her to tell me if I was in danger or if I qualified for a protective order if I hadn't been beaten up.

She told me that it would be better if I made that determination myself. She gave me a paper called a "Chart of Dangerous Behaviors" and asked me to highlight the things on it that I had experienced. She also explained to me that death occurs more often in relationships where the abuser feels he has much to lose, such as social standing or where there is mental illness. Death/murder does not only occur in cases where physical battering is the norm and it is more difficult for police to predict in emotionally abusive relationships. The chart ranks violence based on experience gleaned from police statistics. It outlines different levels of dangerous behavior as "potentially dangerous," "dangerous," "highly dangerous" and "lethal" (meaning that one or both partners statistically end up dead, sometimes the children with them). After highlighting much of the page and knowing that my husband was noncompliant with medical treatment for mental illnesses, I made the determination myself that I was in a highly dangerous and potentially lethal relationship. The domestic violence coordinator assisted me as I applied for the first in a series of protective orders.

FYI: It is common for women to have from 6 to 12 protective orders before they leave a violent relationship or end up dead trying to leave. This statistic crosses all societal lines, poverty stricken or rich, educated or uneducated, black, white, purple, etc.